I am furious with dd, 4 1/2.

[NapQueen]

She has taken a gift box in our bedroom containing shredded tissue paper and proceeded to toss it all over the room. I have asked her nicely three times to tidy it away.

I then said that if it wasn't tidied by preschool time (12.30), it'd be there for her to tidy when she gets home.

Still not put away.

I've asked again. Still not put away. Tantrum. Time out. The mess still there for her to tidy away. I've shouted. She cried. Still refused to do it. I shouted louder. She cried more. I've walked out the room and left her to it.
-----
Between me starting this OP and now she's calmed down, come to me and asked nicely for some help. I went in and helped, she did the majority. We sat and had a chat about choosing to make messes and how we should tidy our own messes. I've apologised for shouting and she's apologised for making a mess and refusing to tidy it.

But all can think about is how furious I was with her. And how I shouted loudly. And how shit a mother that makes me. Dh works with kids and no doubt would have handled it a million times better using whatever techniques he uses for the school kids.

[Elllicam]

It doesn't make you a shit mum. Kids try your patience sometimes, we all shout sometimes.

[kohl]

Children are infuriating, we shout. Not ideal, but show me a mother who hasn't! The amazing thing -and the thing to focus on, is how she came down, asked for help, and the calm chat you had about it-you should be proud that you apologised and she apologised. Have a big cup of tea & don't worry about it any more. You are the opposite of a shit mum.

[Avebury]

I actually think you handled it really well and the fact that she then came to ask for help is brilliant.
She now knows that you mean what you say so is more likely to do as you ask quicker in future but also knows that ultimately you are on her side. Result in my eyes.

[WellErrr]

Nothing can wind you up as much as your own children.

When you're sobbing real tears and saying 'WHY do you want to make mummy sad!?' to a 3 year old who laughs in your face, and there are no toys left to confiscate, that's when it's really bad.

Sounds like you handled it well tbh. She cleared it up didn't she?

[NapQueen]

She did clear up yes. But I can't stop thinking about how angry my face must have looked when I shouted at her. I've shouted before but not like this. She did do really well calming down and coming for help. I wish she'd just done that at the start.

I don't want her to be scared of me. Nor to find me a pushover. It's a hard balance to find!

[kohl]

She's not scared of you OP, if she was then there is no way she would've come down asking for help, or in fact, thrown the tissue paper round the room initially. (Speaking from having had a terrifying mother)
At 4 1/2 she's pushing the boundaries, and you've shown her how far she can go.
Please don't beat yourself up; as you say, you've worked out a way to deal with it -without shouting-when she does something like this again. You sound like a great Mum. Chalk it up to experience & let it go.

[AndYourBirdCanSing]

I think you've done really well actually- I would have given in and done it myself, which is pretty crap in itself!

[NapQueen]

Thanks everyone. I was resolute in that I wasn't going to do it - I only helped because she asked so nice and calmly, I really wanted to insist she did it all. I've had a cup of tea, calmed a little, but my head is pounding.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Apologising for shouting was a really good move and talking about why you were cross cleared the air so don't continue to kick yourself. Other grown ups will not be so reasonable so I don't think an occasional cross face when justified in an otherwise harmonious home is anything too damaging.

[Gibble1]

I think you smashed it by calming down and explaining why you were so cross.
It's obviously worked and as a PP said, she wouldn't have come and asked for help if she was terrified.
I try ever so hard not to shout but I still shout. I'm much better with other people's kids but that's because you only have them for a short amount of time.

[kiki22]

It doesnt make you a shit mother being furious that she made a mess for fun and refused to tidy it doesnt make you a shit mother. You were right to make her tidy it and its perfectly normal to be angry, you were right to say sorry for shouting.

Imagine how inferior our children would feel if we were all perfect mothers the pressure of living with someone who never does anything wrong would send them to therapy

[CodyKing]

I'd say this - I'm never cross about mess - because they are kids and they need space to play -

I tell my DC I'm cross because they haven't tidied -

At school they put on tidy up music or shake a tambourine -

Makes it easier

[NapQueen]

I wouldn't get cross about toys out - nor ask her to tidy them till she was done or wanted the next thing out. This was mess. Shredded tissue paper out of a gift box stored in my bedroom that she emptied and shook out everywhere.

If she was using it for crafts or for animal figures or something it'd be different. It was the fact that she was destructive.

[AndYourBirdCanSing]

Imagine how inferior our children would feel if we were all perfect mothers the pressure of living with someone who never does anything wrong would send them to therapy

Now this I can get behind! I feel so far from the perfect mother at the moment so this cheers me up