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Should I allow my ex to attend my sons hospital & school appointments?

(8 Posts)
Shootingstar2289 Wed 25-May-16 13:34:49

Basically my five year old son has just been diagnosed with Autism.

I split with his father when I was pregnant with him. He has always been in his life but only for a few hours a week. He has never had him for a weekend, a whole day or anything. He very occasionally has him overnight.

I have communicated with my ex from the start about my son . Told him we and the school etc believe he has Autism and he shrugged it off and shown little interest. His family didn't believe my son had it - believed he was just behind/a little naughty.

Anyway, now he has an official diagnosis, he says he wants to attend any meetings or appointments he has. But in all honesty why should I let him? He has no insight into my sons life and the struggles he has on a daily basis. Me and my husband do ALL the hard work.

I met my husband when my son was 1. We have a daughter together and I believe he had more right than my ex as he sees what my son is like every single day not just two hours a week. My partner has attended meetings and appointments and will be carrying on to do so around work if he can.

Am I being selfish? Bearing in mind my ex has never shown an interest before. This time last year my son was having 3-4 apps a month with different professionals. Now it maybe once or twice a year and a Tac meeting once a term.

Fourormore Wed 25-May-16 13:42:03

If your ex has PR, I'm not sure you can stop him from attending.

MilkAndFenty Wed 25-May-16 13:57:19

I understand what your saying, but if he's asked then yes you should. If he fails to show or is difficult then you could review the situation but for now I would just go with it.

Shootingstar2289 Wed 25-May-16 14:22:52

I understand that but my point is. He will have no idea what they are talking about or how well my son is doing. He has never even asked how he's getting on at school - brilliantly btw.

My ex hasn't even told his Mum that my son has been diagnosed. Why? Because the ex Mother in law think shes knows my son best and he has not got autism. She is likely to hear it elsewhere. I haven't been telling everyone but I have a family friend who is a relation of their family that I told without thinking.

Sirzy Wed 25-May-16 14:25:37

He will only learn what is going on by attending though, if you try to block it then that isn't going to help anyone is it?

Imnotagilmoregirl Wed 25-May-16 16:20:02

He should go. I don't get on famously with my ex, and my partner is the one who sees my son every day and knows what his needs and requirements are (ds has autism) but the way I see it, unless he poses a threat to your child, he has every right to be there. If you give him the times and dates and he's a no-show, it's all on him, you can rest easy knowing you've never denied your child or their father any opportunities.

Occasionally, you can request separate appointments, if things are really bad. Generally though, those in the know can spot a part-time parent a mile off, so don't worry about his (uninformed) opinion overruling yours.

You never know, it might just be there start of him pulling his finger out and doing more...

Shootingstar2289 Wed 25-May-16 17:05:20

I have never tried to block him Sirzy. In fact I used to invite him to appointments. The last one he came to was when my son had just turned 3. He is now 5.

Thank you Imnotagilmoregirl. I have always encouraged him to get involved but since having his new partner he's not been as interested. Such a shame.

He will just be a bit of a spare part. And he always making stupid unnesscary comments that aren't even relevant.

Nobody at the achool knows my partner isn't my sons dad. Not that I'm ashamed to have two children with different partners BUT my ex lives 5-10 minutes away and had not once picked my son up from school. Even though I have offered as thought he'd might like to.

ElspethFlashman Wed 25-May-16 17:09:06

Tbh it sounds like he'll flake on attending the appts anyway.

So I'd send a terse one liner with location time and date. And then he either turns up or he doesn't.

I'd bet good money he doesn't. But have your communication in writing so he can't accuse you of not telling him.

At the most I imagine he'll get bored of it all pretty quickly.

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