Please help am losing the will to live!! (bit long)

[c737]

Sorry for ranty title am just so tired and stressed and beyond it at the moment so will try and order my message So it doesn't read like a mad woman's nonsensical witterings after a bottle of wine (which actually is quite an accurate description of me atm).

I have dd who is 2.3 and Ds who is 8 mos and they are both driving me to f*ing distraction at the minute! will start with Ds as this is where most of my probs/concerns are right now.

He was a perfectly happy contented baby until around a month ago when he just became a milk/food monster and hasn't stopped since. I can't lift him anymore as he has moved up to the 99th centile due to the fact that all he does is whinge and moan for food/bottle all day even after he has just finished a meal or bottle. He has been on special milk since birth due to cmpi (not sure if relevant but trying not to drip feed if you'll excuse the pun). He doesn't move at all - despite putting him on his tummy/toys out of reach etc, he seems to have no motivation. Think this is due to dd putting toys in front of him and no real need for him to move but obviously he's just getting bigger and bigger. Have no concerns over rest of his development - smiles and interacts loads, clapping etc just doesn't seem at all fussed about moving and cries/fusses to be picked up after 5 mins on the floor. As a result he is bored much of the day and not using any energy so still feeding two or three times a night which is just wearing me out on top of his daytime needs. Am taking him bk to HV on thurs to be weighed again as they seemed concerned last time about his weight and non moving, and tbh I'm finding their concern really stressful right now and seems to have ramped up my own worrying about the fact that I am turning poor Ds in to an obese, floor-bound chunk who can't move himself.

Add to this his whirlwind two year old sis (nursery two days per wk praise the Lord) who has taken to being extra clingy, crying over absolutely nothing and waking in the night two or three times refusing to go bk to sleep unless myself or dp lie in her room with her until she falls asleep. Been a bit ill lately so this may be why but it has continued and it is relentless as even familiar friends and family can't help out as she goes crazy unless she is with myself or Dp. Still happy for us to leave her at nursery though for some reason.

Dp is really helpful but we are at the back breaking end of our tethers. The demands all through the day without a break added to no sleep is just wearing me down and I'm starting to feel depressed and like I just want to go bk to work and leave all this behind (would need to find a job first though as was just qualifying in my field when I had Ds).

I just feel like I have no control over anything with them - no routine for Ds as it seems impossible to do unless we just stay in which makes me feel even lower and which dd doesn't like as she wants to go to soft play etc. His naps are so hit and miss which may be contributing to night time, having said this he usually gets a good couple of hours in the daytime despite being lugged around to groups etc.

This is long I realise and I really appreciate if anyone has stayed the distance and read this, I feel a bit better already just writing it all down. If anyone has any experience, words or encouragement or anything else I would love to hear from you. I promise I am not this maudlin usually, just want a bit of myself back and to feel like I'm doing an ok job. Thought it would be easier second time round but oh god it's soooo much harder 😩😩😩

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Yiu say he's on the 99th centile but is he tracking all of his centiles? Being on the 99th isn't a worry in itself.

As for the not moving, he will just give him a little time. If you want to get him moving sooner, have you tried swimming or a jumperoo?

As for the feeds, are you offering solids roughly an hour after his milk feed? Is he getting lots of protein with his solids?

As for your little girl. Is there anything that could have triggered the waking up? Start of nursery, back teeth coming through?

Have you tried the no sleep solution for toddlers and preschoolers?

[c737]

Hi Jilted,


Thanks for replying. He was born on the 75th centile so has gone up a bit but he was a bit early and I think he would have been nearer the 99th if he'd been closer to due date.

He's it really interested in jumperoo, just kind of stands in it and then moans to get out even though we have tried to show him how to jump. Swimming is a good idea and I've been meaning to take him so think I will make that a priority.

Perhaps I am remembering things wrong with my little one as I am a little tired from offering a seemingly non stop stream of bottles and meals but if you say meals one hour after bottle then perhaps he is feeding as regularly as he is supposed to and I need to chill? We don't have much of a routine but I would say there's around 1-2 hrs between a meal and bottle all day (pretty much the whole time he is awake he is drinking milk or eating) but he is still managing three meals and four or five bottles a day plus around two bottles at night, sometimes three. Just seems so excessive to me and like I have no time to do anything but feed but maybe I need to alter my expectations a bit.

Really don't know what has triggered my dd's clingyness/waking. At first we thought it was the arrival of Ds and then starting nursery but it has just been going on and on with seemingly no respite. She's upstairs calling for me now (even though she's been up since 4.30am this morning) when a yr ago she was a perfect 7-7 sleeper.

I just feel like I have had the life drained out of me and have nothing more to give. I know it will pass but at the moment I feel wretched, my back is killing and I just can't please either of them no matter what I do. Dp is away with work tonight and I just know it's going to be an awful night with both of them again.

[Handsoffmysweets]

& for you OP. I have a gorgeous little chunky monkey who loves his food and has certainly had periods where he has wanted more, could it be a growth spurt? Also, I found with the jumparoo that initially you have to leave them to it. Just put him in there and leave him for a bit to figure out the jumping himself. I know the whinging is horrible but he'll get there eventually. Also, I know it sounds so obvious but have you tried water instead of the milk?

[Handsoffmysweets]

Sorry posted too soon. Have you tried offering water instead of his night bottles? Is it that he needs his night milk to settle him back to sleep or genuine hunger?

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Have every sympathy with you, sleep deprivation is awful.

Yes, at this age it's all milk and food but it does sound like he's tracking his centiles and it will get easier. He won't be 10 and wanting all those bottles and meals. Well perhaps he will but at least he'll be able to get most of it himself

As for the jumperoo, can he stand for a moment if you hold him when he's not in the jumperoo?

As for your daughter, that book might be worth trying. Does your DP let you have a lie in at the weekend?

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

handsoff surely you're not advocating that the OP sticks him in his jumperoo in from if CBeebies whilst she has a ?

[Handsoffmysweets]

Oh no Jilted, definitely not that

[Handsoffmysweets]

If you're really struggling OP could you send DS to nursery one or two days a week to get a break?

[c737]

Handsoff, yes I guess need to leave him to it more in the jumperoo, I just have no tolerance for the moaning or crying so hoik him out pretty quickly. His night bottle(s) are defo hunger because he is inconsolable when he wakes until you've made the bottle and put it in his mouth! Find that a bloody nightmare too as live in a small house and he often wakes dd with his crying in the night for bottles. We are slowly trying to water the feeds down but I'm not sure why as I don't think he will be capable of dropping the night feed(s) any time soon. Yes have been thinking about nursery but feel like such a shit excuse for a mother - all I have to do is look after my children and I feel like I can't even manage that. I feel like I desperately need a break from Ds but feel so guilty about it as its not his fault he's a demanding little Chubb monster.

Jilted I have that book, got given it before dd was born so will have a look and see. Dp is OK about lie ins and can usually get an hour or two either sat or sun morn but hard to sleep when house is so noisy with the two of them and dd usually bursts in demanding that I wake up!

Have just let Ds cry himself to sleep (wouldn't go down despite being fed, clean, cuddled and v v tired) as I just don't have anything left in me and feel so guilty about it. Sorry ive just gone all out and thrown myself a massive pity party but just feeling so fucking shit about everything. Why is it that I can't cope when everyone else can? I remember feeling a bit relieved when I had to go bk to uni when dd was 7 months old to finish my training and now I want to do it again - do something else when the going gets tough. I need to toughen up a bit I think

[c737]

Sorry Jilted meant to say yes he can stand for a minute if we hold him, he can actually stand propped against the sofa playing with whatever's on it. He's v strong just not willing to try and move himself at all yet!

[lucy101101]

Hi there, I just guessed when I was reading the beginning of your thread that there was a CMP issue. That might sound a bit odd but one child I knew with reflux (partly from the CMP) just wanted an endless supply of milk and food as in the short term it made her feel better. Just a thought.....

[c737]

Lucy that may be a point as he is still sick quite regularly after feeding so perhaps reflux is more of an issue for him than we think (it was defo an issue when he was tiny). Just seems strange that from the ages of 3mos to 7mos he was the most happy, chilled out little dude you can imagine and now he is driving me half insane with the constant demands and whinging!

[CopperPot]

If I were you I would put ds in nursery soon if possible and start working part time to have a break.

My dd is 4 months and ds is 3.5 and he's clingy and tries to hurt dd sometimes as he's jealous, it's v normal. Plus when he's ill he's super clingy and behaviour gets worse - whining etc.

As for your ds, he is still v young and I'm sure will get moving soon. Some babies don't crawl they just start walking, has he got a push toy he could try. Does he like standing when you hold him?

[CopperPot]

The constant crying and whining from him would indicate he is in pain of some sort so maybe look into reflux and visit gp

[c737]

Hi Copper, yes he has a push toy and does quite like standing when we hold him. Same with my dd - she will often sneak a slap or two on Ds when I'm not looking purely through jealousy.

Know what you mean about gp but oh man I have been in and out of our lovely female doctors office more times than I would like to recall when he was younger. I even got so embarrassed about he frequency that I made some stilted joke in her office once about promising that I didn't have fabricated illness syndrome which went down like a lead balloon.

Ds was on ranitidine for his reflux until everything seemed to improve and calm down so took him off it ages ago and he was fine so can't see that symptoms would disappear for so long and then return?

I actually do think the moaning and crying is down to wanting milk and food as the only thing that seems to keep him happy for longer than 5 minutes now is sitting him in his highchair with some finger food. The unhappiness, to me, just seems to be about wanting either food or milk 24/7!

[CopperPot]

How many bottles does he have a day? What food does he eat usually?

Two kids is hard work to juggle.

[c737]

He has around four or five bottles a day plus 1-3 during the night. Hvs looked at me like I was crazy when I told them about the night bottles and were adamant that he shouldn't be feeding at night but how can I not give him a bottle when he's crying out for it?

Today he had weetabix with banana for brekkie, for lunch a sandwich plus goodies puffs, cucumber and pear and then chicken with sweet potato mash and carrots for dinner plus a little more banana after dinner.

[Handsoffmysweets]

YY to reflex causing increased hunger. My LO has reflux and to begin with before it was diagnosed HR was forever eating and my Dr said it was a classic sign of comforting him in the short term. What's your day/evening routine like? Does he associate milk with sleep? I know you say it's hunger in the night as he's inconsolable until he has the bottle but it may be because he has built an association between milk and sleep and can't self settle without it iyswim. I hate the whinging too but sometimes you just have to leave them in a safe place and go somewhere you can't hear him, for your own sanity. You are absolutely not a shit mum. We've all been where you are. My LO has just finally (touching all wood in the world) stopped a whingy period that went on for a good few weeks. It was a bloody nightmare at times and I did have a good cry more than once wondering what I was going to do and whether it would ever end. I really think it would help you to put your DS in nursery for a couple of days a week so that you can have a break. You may be his mum but you're also a person in your own right. You need time to rest and relax from the relentlessness that motherhood can be and from those awful sleepless nights that we all know so well.

[CopperPot]

Sounds great.

My ds had two bottles at night at that age, they're growing loads. Try not to stress too much, I know it's hard but this won't be forever.

[Handsoffmysweets]

He not *HR!

[CopperPot]

Maybe get some more reflux meds and see how he is? Can't hurt

[Handsoffmysweets]

And if you're still up now OP can you go to bed and try and get some sleep before he wakes you up?

[beenaroundawhile]

OP you have my sympathies, more to you. I have a 13m and 3 year old, still at end of tether.

fwiw, my suggestions in addition to all the good advice you're getting here:

1. does DD sleep in the day still? If she's napping, it may be the dreaded time to drop if it means she sleeps better overnight. You can subsitute with "quiet time"
   
   
2. DS - if he's heavy that will be a key reason he's not moving, especially if he's top heavy. Have you tried giving him extra water, are you sure it's hunger not thirst? Watch his sodium and liquid intake. It may also be that he (like lots of babies) has greater sensory needs orally... Things to chew, suck, mouth, teethe. When my DD is teething badly (all her teeth come at once) the only way we can keep her quiet is by giving her things (food and drink) to put in her mouth. You can always tell there's a tooth or two coming as she outgrows her "normal" size / percentile
   
   Good luck, whatever you do don't try too many different things... That can be just as disruptive. And don't feel bad about sleeping whenever you can!

[c737]

Thanks for all your great suggestions everyone, feel really touched by all your replies and advice.

Yes Handsoff am in bed now praying for a few hrs!

Beenaround thanks for your post I will have a think about your suggestions. Yes she is still napping in the day and have thought about dropping it for a few months now, just need to get used to the idea of no break from her in the day! As ds is up for the day v often at 5am so I am up then anyway I started to think that perhaps it was better to have her crap sleep and early wakings but still have a break when she napped.

Yes the weight is probably holding him back and v interesting about needing things to suck/chew on - he certainly needs a lot of that and perhaps can be placated sometimes with a stick of cucumber. I have tried water a few times to no avail but will persevere as I think he is sometimes thirsty but wants milk as it is what he is used to.

[Pinkkahori]

Dd2 went through a phase of whinging constantly til I realised she wanted to be able to keep up with dd1. I solved this by doing something I swore I would never do - I got her a walker. It stopped the whinging instantly.
I was careful in how much she used it and we were lucky to have a large open plan living area so lots of space to move with no access to steps or other dangers.
She loved trotting around after dd1 and she was much happier.
We didn't need to use it for long as she crawled and then walked at 13 months but it was an absolute life saver at the time.