Having to go in laws every weekend(11 Posts)
DS is 2, our only child atm. Every weekend, Sunday's, we go to dp parents for dinner. They do dinner every Sunday and my dp has been going every Sunday since we moved in together 10 years ago. He also goes once for dinner in the week as well. Before DS was born, id either go along or I'd go and see my own parents while he saw his.
I've been feeling this way for a while now that I am sick of having to go there every sunday, but my dp thinks I am being unreasonable. Since going back to work 4 days a week, any time I get during the week is very special for me and my son, so I don't go and see my mum during the week as I just don't get time and as I say my time is quite special and precious. My mum has DS 1 day and mil has him another day, so they both get their time with him during the week. But come a weekend, we have to spend all afternoon (4 hours) at in laws on a Sunday, because fil works during week and dp says this is his only time to see his grandson. It isn't. He runs his own company and could take time off I'm sure to visit one evening, but in the 2 years my som has been born, they've only came over here when other family members are down or when we invite them for dinner. They've never ever suggested to come and see us, therefore we always end up going to them and it's always on a Sunday, when they cook dinner. I've mentioned this to my dp and he shrugged it off. My parents come here and don't wait for me to ask, it just comes naturally like 'I'll pop over in the week if you like' which is lovely because it frees up weekends for us a bit more. Or they suggest coming over some Saturday's just for an hour or so, so that we still get a bit of time.
obviously a Saturday is our only time together as a family. I feel like if we are seeing the in laws for 4 hours on a Sunday then my mum should get a visit on the Saturday, plus now I am at work I don't actually get to see my mum myself very much, although she gets time with DS in the week, but I don't get to spend much time with her.
So I feel our weekends are spent visiting family, which dp said is normal. But my sister, bil and kids always have weekends together and see my parents every couple to 3 weeks.
My in laws are a very big presence in our lives, because dp is extremely close with them. I'm close with my mum and dad but they as well as me understand that we are our own little family. I dread Sunday's. I could not go but that means not seeing my son on a sundar for 4 hours and being at work in the week I don't think I should allow that to be honest.
I've tried to suggest some sort of system with visits etc but dp gets annoyed with me and says weekends are for visiting family, and his dad doesn't get any time. His dad could make the effort to pop over in the week to see his grandson, don't you think? Or weekends could be alternated so that we get time to ourselves.
It's been said before op, you haven't got an in law problem you've got a dp problem. It doesn't seem like he will support you because he doesn't see a problem so perhaps you need to organise things at a weekend? More specifically on a Sunday. How would this go down?
Totally agree it's my partner who is the issue here, although I do think my fil could perhaps on occasion come over so we don't have to go there every weekend so that we have time to ourselves.
We could arrange stuff for the two days of the w/e but it would be a rare one.
Why should your FIL be arsed if you're going to be there for 4 hrs on Sunday anyway?
Your DP has been doing this for a decade. It's not going to change. They "own" Sundays.
My PIL are like that. Which is why I'm relieved we live hrs away. Sundays are non negotiable and all the nearby kids have a weekly summons. They enjoy it of course as it's their home and comforting and familiar. But it's awful if it's not your home.
Sorry Els being a bit silly here, what do you mean weekly summons?
Just that it's so expected, it's almost gone beyond tradition in that it would cause massive personal offence to break free!
It's not just a rejection of a bit of beef, it's a rejection of THEM!
Could you go over dp's head and speak to your mil? I learned near the start if I left it to dp as a go between it doesnt get done or he ends up not saying the right thing anyway.
Something like we cant make it Sunday is there any chance you could pop over to see us during the week, don't ask if its ok not to go just say you cant and give the alternative. Then tell do you have made plans and ok'd it with his mum.
"Weekends are for visiting family?" ...like bugger they are. That would drive me insane. A straw poll on here would soon give you some idea of who visits their family every single weekend.
We certainly don't.
What happens when your DS is older and has his own activities, parties etc that IME, eat into many a weekend. What happens then?
You and your son's happiness should be his priority, not his parents'.And if he's really as close as you say there should be no problem him speaking up to them about it. If he can't or won't, I would be questioning the relationship.
You need to start gradually withdrawing. Now your DS is 2, I'm sure there's plenty of things he'd enjoy going to. Look up stuff happening in your local area, one off events, that fall on a Sunday, and start taking him to them. It's a good excuse to not go once in a while, and over time visits can become less frequent. Your DH does need to be on board though, or accept that he'll be going to his parents alone.
It would be good if you had friends with similar aged kids that could come with you, so you could use the excuse of so and so asked me.......
We had a similar situation with my family, and suggestion that I wasn't coming or if I hadn't been in a couple of weeks was met with huffing and passive aggressive comments. I just ignored it, kept saying each week 'oh we won't be round on Sunday because there's an event / birthday party / whatever' and they are now off my back and don't expect me to be there.
It's a bit passive and takes a while, but in my case it's led to no fall outs so everyone is happy.
We have 3 DC and where possible go to FIL every Saturday for lunch and my parents every Sunday for dinner. There's too much going on mid week to see the grandparents but losing MIL a couple of years ago really made me realise how lucky my kids are to have the 3 grandparents they have so we make the effort for them and for the grandparents.
I don't always go to FIL's and DH doesn't always come to my parents so one of us might stay home to make sure the baby gets a good nap, catch up on housework in peace or just have some me time.
There are times we can't go, especially now with activities and birthday parties (oldest is in school, another in Montessori) but we just let the grandparents know we won't make it. I'm sure the times we can't go will only increase as they all get older which is another reason we're happy to do it now.
It's up to you & I certainly wouldn't want to be made to go every single week but it's fantastic that your DS has a good relationship with them, maybe it's worth the hassle.
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