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Can you talk yourself out of having another child?

(30 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Wed 11-May-16 11:46:25

I have a DS (just turned 2) and the decision to have a second had been fraught for about the past 6 months. We decided to go for it earlier this year but unfortunately I miscarried at 5 weeks.

One minute I feel excited and happy at the thought of having another baby and then the next minute I feel petrified at the idea.

I angst about it all the time, I swing from yes, to no, to yes and to no again on a regular basis and I'm constantly being told I'm overthinking it. A colleague has told me to just stop thinking about it otherwise I will talk myself out of it altogether.

I just feel so confused about it all.

This morning I decided not having a second baby was the best choice in case I died during childbirth confused

Is having these doubts and worries normal?

caitlinohara Wed 11-May-16 11:53:01

I get where you're coming from. I worried FAR more about having my 2nd because I was so anxious about how ds1 would be affected. Are you an anxious parent in general though or is it just about this?

Writerwannabe83 Wed 11-May-16 11:54:27

I don't know if I'm an anxious parent or not? What sort of behaviour defines a parent as being anxious?

caitlinohara Wed 11-May-16 12:12:10

That wasn't meant as an attack, it's just that I wondered whether you are the sort of person who worries about things in general. I think it's understandable given your experience that you are worried about the same thing happening again. Fwiw, I had mc at 10 weeks between my first and second children, and it did take the shine off my eventual pregnancy because I was worried the whole time. But I always knew I wanted more than one child and that I really wanted ds1 to have that sibling relationship, so I clung to that. I am sorry for your loss flowers

Writerwannabe83 Wed 11-May-16 12:18:21

I know you weren't attaching, I was just interested to know what the signs of an anxious parent are smile

The only thing keeping me going is because I want DS to have a sibling too. My husband would be quite happy to just have the one child.

squizita Wed 11-May-16 12:36:54

I am so terrified of miscarriage (having had 3 and a partial molar - and being at risk of late loss) that I'm not sure I could try for another.
Doesn't help I'm in the last 2 years or so when you're not really risking stuff due to age...

Totally get where you're coming from.

You don't have a history of recurrent MC though? So most likely it's a one off and your next pregnancy will be normal.

NickyEds Wed 11-May-16 14:58:07

Normal, understandable and actually sensible. I had periods of angst about ttc our 2nd but Tbh we had formulated a plan before even having ds that we would have two close together because it would reduce my over all time out of work (I'm a SAHM) and because I'm getting on a bit and I didn't want the option of a third to disappear. So we made a plan and then stuck doggedly to it smile. Probably not the most adult way to do it but I'm very glad I didn't over think it too much.

Is there something specific holding you back, work/money issues, relationship problems?

Writerwannabe83 Wed 11-May-16 15:15:12

I think a large part of my reluctance is the worry of dealing with both a toddler and a newborn. I had a rough time with DS when he was a baby (the usual feeding issues, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, CS recovery) and I just don't know if I can face it again.

I just can't see how I could manage again with a toddler to look after. I know lots of women cope, everyone finds their way but I'm just worried that I won't and I will regret having a second sad

NickyEds Wed 11-May-16 15:37:18

The way I see it the newborn/toddler phase is a relatively short period of time compared to the lifelong commitment of parenthood. Also, you will have learned loads from having had your son. You never have to have your first baby again. I've found having dd much easier than ds despite her being a more challenging baby because I know it's fleeting. I've been able to enjoy her in a way I couldn't with ds because I'm more relaxed.

Dealing with a toddler and a new born is tough at times but on the whole I love it. Not today obviously. Today ds is being a little sod and I'd swap him for a cup of tea and a Twirl! Good days and bad days!

Do you have any support? I honestly find limited family support difficult.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 11-May-16 15:42:24

I have my husband, who is absolutely fantastic, and I have lots of family around me and good friends. They all really rallied around me when I had DS, my mom was an absolute angel.

When I take a minute to think about all the support I have it does take away some of the fear.

There are 9 days until I enter my fertile week so I think I need to make a decision really. The longer I leave it the more chance there is of my DH changing his mind about agreeing to a second and I don't want to risk that.

NickyEds Wed 11-May-16 15:52:13

You clearly want a second or else you wouldn't be worried about your dh changing his mind! It's good that you have a supportive dh though, wonderful as our children are the biggest "casualty" (aside from perhaps our bank balance) is our relationship- a few of our friends who are sticking with one are "coming out the other side" so to speak, decent sleep, approaching free hours, easier to leave with sitters etc. I wouldn't swap though.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-May-16 09:04:09

I had an absolute horrendous night last night with my two year old who was up from 01.15 until 04.00 and cried, grizzled and screamed for the entire duration. He was then up for the day at 7.30am and I'm exhausted.

This is my worry - how am I supposed to cope with nights like that if there was a newborn here too?

splendide Thu 12-May-16 11:19:38

I feel like you Writer and I think we had quite similar babies! Sorry if I sound stalkery I just have read quite a lot of your threads nodding along - especially about sleep.

I think I have settled on not having another.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-May-16 11:29:36

How old is your child now splendide?

My DS is being so clingy this morning, he is following me everywhere and keeps asking to be carried and cuddled. We have such a close relationship and I can't see how there is room for anyone else, I can't bear the thought of him feeling pushed out. I know these are worried and issues everyone has though.

I wish I had a crystal ball.

I don't want to regret having DC2 but ten years down the line I don't want to regret not having one.

DH is after some 'quality time' tonight and I keep looking at the box of condoms in our room and can't decide whether to bring them into the equation or not.... grin

splendide Thu 12-May-16 11:34:29

He's about 18 months - I'm about 6 months behind you! I was absolutely certain I was only having one this time last year so who knows where I'll be in six months' time.

It really is tough. I definitely had moments when DS was really little when I regretted having him and I don't want to feel like that again, it was awful. BUT now I don't regret him at all although there are still tough moments. Like you I feel we are very attached to one another and can't stand the thought of him being all sad while I spend 23 hours a day breastfeeding - if the 2nd was anything like the first.

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-May-16 12:46:57

My DS is still breast feeding and I'm not too sure he'd take kindly to sharing grin

Me and DH were happy with one but when he got to about 18 months something inside me just clicked but it took me a good 6 months to get DH on board.

I work with babies aged from 0-2 and I'm ridiculously broody, so I know I must want one, I think I'm just too scared to take the leap.

splendide Thu 12-May-16 12:50:18

Yes mine is still feeding too! Although maybe not actually, it's been about 3 days since the last one which I'm really sad about.

Honestly, it sounds like you should go for it - nothing ventured and all that! I think I overthink everything to be honest!

NickyEds Thu 12-May-16 13:47:47

The second is just so different to your first though. You have a better idea of what you're doing. Second babies don't bf 23 hours a day past two weeks old because they just can't. With ds I watched The Wire, House and The West Wing in their entirety whilst bf. With dd I perched on a park bench whilst ds played! I think you're also a bit more pragmatic- with ds bf meant the world to me and it was unbelievably stressful, with dd I said I'd try for 3 weeks then give up if it was too much (as it turned out she was a pro), with ds I fret over weaning, timetabling feeds and solids etc, with dd she was plonked in a high chair whenever ds ate and given whatever he had!
Sleep can be tricky. I'm lucky in that ds is a good sleeper now but at the point that I got pregnant he was waking every 90minutes-2 hours, it was a nightmare. We sleep trained him and keep a pretty tight routine now. If you ttc now and are lucky enough to get pregnant quite quickly you could still have a year for your ds's sleep to improve?

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-May-16 13:52:41

Usually DS sleeps through from 8pm-6am (he was sleep trained at 10 months old) but over the last week he's been waking every night for about 2-3 hours at a time. I don't know whether it's the heat, his teeth or something else but lack of sleep is taking its toll. Two hours into last night's shenanigans (at about 3am) I shouted at him because I'd reached breaking point.

Both times I have gotten pregnant (DS and then a miscarriage) I was lucky enough to get pregnant on the first cycle which also worries me because if it happens straight away again then it's not like I have time to get used to the idea of having a 2nd.

I really don't know why I'm getting myself so worked up about it really. I'm just so scared of rocking our happy little boat sad

NickyEds Thu 12-May-16 21:08:10

Has he got his molars yet? Ds's were a pig to come through and he still has two to go.

We've been talking about a third and more or less decided to stop at two. Dp is much happier about this than me sad but I totally understand where he's coming from. Financially it would be a mistake and the idea of being pregnant with two toddlers is awful......but I still want another. I think I will regret not having another baby but I do think we could offer out two so much more if we stay how we are.

Can you just leave it a set amount of time, say 6 months and see how you feel?

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-May-16 21:27:36

I definitely do think it's his teeth as his feeding position has altered and my left boob/nipple are very sore!!

The problem is that my DH already thinks he's too old to be starting again and I worry that if I keep putting it off there will come a point where he will change his mind and use his age as the reason.

I've just sat and watched OBEM and I really do want another but I just feel scared about it. I think about it over and over again throughout the day hence why I worry that I'm overthinking it.

I keep telling myself that for the first five years it will probably be hard but that it will hopefully pay off in the end.

My family never thought I would even have one child, they'd freak if I announced we were having a second smile

NickyEds Thu 12-May-16 21:37:40

I honestly can't watch OBEM, I'm just too broody!

Brummiegirl15 Thu 12-May-16 21:37:47

Like Squiz I've also suffered from recurrent MC and we've finally been successful and our DD is 20 wks.

I'm 40 this year and DP is 47 next month so if we want to try for another we need to try really by end of year. I really don't think I can face it due to the crippling terror of another MC. But the thought of leaving DD without a sibling upsets me. I agonise over this daily

Writerwannabe83 Thu 12-May-16 21:48:13

But the thought of leaving DD without a sibling upsets me. I agonise over this daily

This is what is constantly at the forefront of my mind. I'm scared about many aspects of pregnancy, childbirth abd having a second child but I feel like I have to give DS a sibling,

My DH is only 33 but still feels he's too old. I know that if we didn't get pregnant this year he would most likely put an end to TTC.

If I were to fall pregnant straight away it means DS would turn 3 at about the same time baby would be due and I think 3 years is actually quite a big age gap and probably the biggest I would like if I had a choice in the matter.

I wish such big decisions could be easy to make.

NickyEds Thu 12-May-16 21:56:46

I know he may feel old but 33 really isn't old. I'm 37 next month !

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