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Should I report Parents to Social services?

(118 Posts)
user1462959192 Wed 11-May-16 11:19:33

My Stepson and his wife are the most useless parents I have ever known.
Girl 11, Boy 8

Despite trying for years they(parents) have not changed at all.

Am I over reacting? This is a letter I was going to give them, it's about the same as the others we have sent or spoken to them about, but they ignore them.

The children say you Watch TV all the time when the kids are home, they hate it as you have an 18 rated Game of Thrones program on all the time they shouldn't be watching age 18 programs, so the kids then go upstairs because they hate the program

They say at weekends they do nothing and you just watch TV or go on play Station

It is NOT appropriate to leave small children downstairs alone with a dog in the house, in fact even without the animal as it is classed as child neglect

At weekends or in fact any day, it isn't OK to get up at 9,10,11,12,1pm, they are too young to organise themselves and it is very dangerous.

Children and their life.

Get up before the children and organise their day, uniform, food, things for school, also classed as neglect if you don't.

The school has a website and an App for everything going on at the school, yet you ignore it

X missed out on a Guides night in the woods when the FB page clearly stated where to go.

Ensure their time at school is made easier by making sure they turn up smart in ironed clothes and with all the things needed for the school day. Today and most days they look liked tramps and have food all over their clothes. There shoes are a disgrace.

Ensure they aren't late for school. Their late attendance is appalling, because you are still in bed and the school is 50 yards away

Ensure they get the most from school by allowing them to partake in all after school activities, It is NOT your job to constantly forget to send back forms or kids miss a meal because you forgot to pay

When we collect the kids and their spare clothes, 99% of the time it is wet or damp. There is no excuse as you have a huge garden with plenty of room to hang clothes out.

You refused to attend the last parents evening, which is appalling, so we got the school to ring you

Feed them correctly. A tin of soup is hardly a meal for a growing child, they are often hungry and custard isn't pudding. On the day of Xmas sales You was still in bed at 11, the kids hadn't had breakfast AGAIN,

Ensure a balanced diet, processed frozen food isn't a balanced diet, they tell us they have never had potato, carrots and gravy or a Sunday type dinner at your house.

Ensure the kids are taught about responsibility, for say their room, their things, their life

Ensure they go to bed at a reasonable time and that isn't 9.30pm for a 7-year-old or even later in some cases.

X is 7 and can't even tie his shoes, which shows how much help they aren't given as most 5 year olds can tie their shoes, So we taught him, He goes backwards in his learning during the week when at home then we teach him over the weekends to bring him back up to speed

Another example of lack of help is X spelling is the same level as 4 year old, Big List 1. So in a week we taught her and X and they went up 5 levels

Did you know your kids love to learn and often ask us to give them types of homework

You 100% cannot let your kids go to the park on their own.

Where are X's school shoes? She has gone the whole week wearing non school shoes, why haven't you even bothered to look for them, after all they were in the living room. The thing is you have no idea how they are dressed when they go to school as you are in bed, They say you wave out of the bedroom window to them, Just wtf are you doing in bed at 9am?

Name me one place you have taken the kids since you moved, In fact name me any place the both of you have taken them for fun, I bet that's on less than one hand

She screams like a lunatic at the slightest thing and you do nothing, she even screamed at a frog, it's a frog, yet this never happens at ours probably because you will “cuddle her” She clings on to everyone which could get her in big trouble, when she goes to big school she will be instantly bullied for being fat, dopey and clingy

Your Home:

It is your job to ensure a clean and tidy home for your kids to enjoy, instead of the tip it is.

Not their job to walk through dog and cat piss and shit in the mornings or be scared to wake you, which is outrageous. In fact, they are so scared of you they have never woken you up.

All children love their friends coming round to play, one of X & X's friends live next door to you yet has never visited and vice versa

It is your job to ensure the kids are kept entertained and pointed in the right direction in life, if that's homework, playing with others helping them with x//y/z then so be it. Not just sat in front of a play station

Children like bedrooms that are a great place to play, theirs did look like a drug addicts room, lifeless and no furniture with the floor covered in “crap”. In fact your room is no better,.

The back room downstairs is obviously a dumping ground. The rats will love that rubbish.

It looks like the house hasn't been hoovered for a month.

Even on X after we had kids for the weekend, you still hadn't been arsed to make their beds or hoover up, the place is still a tip

What the kids say

Does mummy tell you to stop sucking your thumb or picking your nose or teeth, NO

So what books does mummy read to you?
“she isn't that sort of mum”

What bedtime stories does she read to you
X “Grandma don't be silly”

I guess homework is easy because your mum and dad helps a lot
“ erm Grandad they never helps us”

Did you enjoy guides?
“I loved it, but mummy won't let me go I know she won’t” and she was right, you should be ashamed to tell her that ½ mile is too far to walk. So one Monday night she missed out on Skating.

So go on tell me the games you play with Mummy?
“She doesn't play with us, she's not that sort of mum”

X are you looking forward to the party? “Yes grandma as I have never been to a party before”, at age 8 & 11 we would have expected the kids to have been in many weekend team/games/sports and to many parties etc, yet they have been or done none at all.

How does mummy help you with reading and school work? They both just laughed.

X, how was Taikwando, “Grandad she never sent the form back again and I wanted to go, she never sends any forms back so we don't do anything all my friends do” he then cried.

Kids did you make mummy and daddy Xmas cards?, no didn't know we should. Did you get cards off mummy and daddy, they both cried.

X birthday, she wanted a bowling party, did she get one? Of course not

Your kids are bored out of their heads because you can't be bothered.

An amazing fact for kids age 8 & 11, they have never had a sleep over, they have NO friends outside of school, they have never taken part in a sport or activity, the only people they play with are each other.

Sometimes you even fall asleep on the settee (they told us) and haven't fed them at 7pm which is a disgrace being as you aren't at work

Your kids think it's their fault you had to go to the police station after social services intervention and you told them to lie if anyone asked, you actually said that they should say everything is OK. As far as we know it was X's mother that started it, maybe you should tell them whose fault it was.

You went to work on a Friday and missed the nativity play that both your children were in, The play started at 1.30 so there is no excuse as your train was a lot later, you just wanted to go to wherever instead of encouraging and seeing your children.

You have never ring up to see how they are, or if you do they can't be bothered to speak to you or X,which says something,

Hubby came home on a Thursday and both of you never even bothered to come and see the kids, which about sums up how little interest you both have in them.

You couldn't even be arsed to buy her first bra, so we did


The house is an utter disgrace, with dog shit stinking the place out, get rid of the pets now

Your kids think the way they act is normal as you give them no guidance at all

Once again they stayed here and you just chucked some clothes into a plastic bag

Most of Xs's clothes don't fit him, not a single thing had been ironed

You need the carpets professionally cleaned as they are a disgrace.

Despite the previous warnings, almost nothing has happened regarding the kids welfare.

They are banned from taking their books home as they keep losing them at home!!!!! That is as bad as losing Xs school shoes when they were in your living room.

Once again nothing is ironed and half their clothes don't fit.

They still continually argue with each other and us, they have no idea this is wrong, as you never correct them.

I feel utterly sorry for the dog and the cats continue to piss over all the clothes, get rid of them.

We spend most of our time, trying to put right the things that you two have never taught your children.

Bedtime, WE take them to bed each night and they are read a story, you don't ever, even when they were 4 years old, so they never clean their teeth or get washed as you don't go upstairs, they then play games with each other often staying up late in the bedroom, you have no idea as you don't check, that’s why they are late for school.

They can play games with each other staying in their own bedrooms AT BEDTIME as they use signals and you never check on them, so they get away with it.

We have had the kids for a week and you or X never rang then once, what an utter disgrace.

back to normal at not caring, as X missed Beavers. Despite it only being 6pm, you should have taken him as it's a 5 minute walk.

house stinks of cat pee again. No wonder you don't want people to come round to your house. How can you be married for 10+ years yet not have any bedroom furniture or even a dining table?

It is almost 2 years since you came to X and you have never taken the kids anywhere except the shops and you shop at the most expensive shop there is, what's wrong with using online shopping? Where it is a lot cheaper?

X missed his end of the season Zorba party, despite you having the details and X paying for it. So we didn't remind you as that isn't our job, we did this on purpose to see if you would organise them, which we knew you wouldn't and have been proven correct.

They still have no interest in anything at all. They are the only kids we know that have no hobbies or interests.

Why is it they almost never have breakfast?

It was the kids science fair and just for a change you couldn't be arsed to go,

They both had a week to practice their experiments, of course you never helped during the whole week, so they were rubbish. It was obvious other parents had helped their kids.

They both argue continually and even did it at the science fair in front of their teachers and X. They never accept they are wrong because they have NO guidance.

It is your job to get them to bring home their PE kit each Friday, they almost never do.

You have no idea what they look like when they go to school as you are in bed, they don’t wash or clean their teeth ever

X has needed new trainers for 2 weeks, bet you never noticed.

X never brought his homework home for a whole year, you never said a thing

I believe it's time we took serious action as this cannot continue

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 11-May-16 11:31:50

Yes I think they sound neglectful

StuRedman Wed 11-May-16 11:40:02

You need to speak to social services. They sound horribly neglectful.

wannabestressfree Wed 11-May-16 11:53:29

God that's so sad.

Fragglewump Wed 11-May-16 11:58:04

Have you offered them help rather than criticism? Whether I was a great parent or an awful one - I would hate to receive a letter like that - detailing all my failings. I think perhaps that professional intervention is needed - I would be trying to salvage my relationship with them for the sake of all involved. Make the call and get them some help. (NB I didn't read all of your letter)

user1462959192 Wed 11-May-16 12:09:55

We have a good relationship with them. No matter how we try to advice them, it never changes as they simply ignore it

Prime example this mornings SATS, GS went to school, daughter was apparently ill. Teachers rang the house, they even went round but no answer, my Wife went round, Mother in bed 9.45, ask GD if she was OK and took her to school quite happily.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Wed 11-May-16 12:16:33

Don't bother sending a letter to them.

Call the school and report, the school will have noticed a lot of that and will hopefully call SS, then you call and report to SS as well so the concerns are coming from different sources.

They sound neglectful at best.

Why did they have to go to the police after the last SS visit? Would it be worth going to the police if you feel as though the dc are in immediate danger at any point rather than you going and picking up the slack.

Poor kids.

mumofawoodlouseeater Wed 11-May-16 12:19:42

I think you need to filter some of those criticisms and stick to the main problems. There are some very sad things in there (animal mess, etc) but complaining about them having custard for pudding and unironed clothes sounds nit-picky.

Fragglewump Wed 11-May-16 12:21:16

Sadly, a lot of the things above won't meet the threshold for social services to get involved. Lazy selfish parenting but probably not dangerous. I would certainly flag to school and ask them to call it in - or call social services yourself. So sorry op - must be very frustrating!

TormundGiantsbabe Wed 11-May-16 12:23:37

Unironed clothes is not even an issue. Plenty of people don't iron.

Are they working long or unsociable hours?

KondosSecretJunkRoom Wed 11-May-16 12:23:45

This is neglectful and I think I would call SS. But you need to think about how you present this to them and I think you need to be more focussed on what can/ should be done to help.

At the moment you are so cross you seem to be dumping everything in together. It's terrible that the house is covered in dog shit, it's terrible that the kids are ignored by their parents and that they cannot engage with school properly because of their parent's neglect.

It's not terrible that their clothes go in a plastic bag when they come to you or that x never got a bowling party or they get themselves breakfast.

If you dump it all in together it belittles the bigger issues.

FarelyKnuts Wed 11-May-16 12:29:22

I would not be sending them the letter.
I would be condensing it into bullet points and sending it to SS and the child protection officer at the school.

Jackie0 Wed 11-May-16 12:31:18

Those poor children , it must be heartbreaking to see them being treated like this.
Tell school , tell SS.
This neglect will damage them for the rest of their lives , it's just so very sad and unnecessary.

Andbabymakesthree Wed 11-May-16 12:32:27

I'm a social worker I don't iron and nor can my eight year old tie shoe laces.

You sound extremely judgemental and probably not best placed to help the family other than providing a safe and constant authoritive but loving figure to the children.
Did you take the children to science fair?
I think you should ring your local children's services. Raise your concerns. Out then in a more coherent less not picking way than you have above.
Also speak to the school. I'm surprised they aren't raising their own concerns.

MidnightVelvetthe5th Wed 11-May-16 12:32:32

Go onto your local council website OP & there will be a link about reporting if you think someone is being harmed or neglected, report them via that. (It may not mention children as may people fall into this category however there should be some kind of link there).

I'd stick to the main issues as someone said above, non ironed clothes & strange puddings are not harmful or neglectful but animal mess, social isolation, lack of hygiene & non attendance at school are. If the non attendance is as bad as you say, then I'd be surprised if the school have not begun their process on their side already.

squizita Wed 11-May-16 12:32:59

I think you need to filter some of those criticisms and stick to the main problems. There are some very sad things in there (animal mess, etc) but complaining about them having custard for pudding and unironed clothes sounds nit-picky.

Some of this is awful, awful neglect.

Some is just a bit dodgy (e.g. leaving a 'young' child downstairs is neglect ... leaving a 10 year old isn't, but all the time is lazy and bad parenting).

Some of it sometimes happens in perfectly happy/good families (e.g. clingy/chubby kids, grabbing a carrier bag not a nice bag in a hurry etc).
I don't iron. My child is considered rather indulged by her key worker overheard her joking about it, thankfully in a jolly tone and the local schools have polo shirt uniforms so I might well never iron! That has nothing to do with parenting.
Shopping at the wrong supermarket - completely irrelevant.

Don't let the terrible stuff (dog mess, undernourishment etc) get mixed in with the stuff you don't like. Stick to the real issues.

Take these to the school and explain you would like to speak with their safeguarding officer and SS. Maybe take this letter and get the safeguarding officer to help you divide 'not so good parenting' from the 'neglect'.

RaeSkywalker Wed 11-May-16 12:34:48

Why are you writing to the parents? They obviously don't listen. Just contact SS directly.

Paddingtonthebear Wed 11-May-16 12:38:18

Christ why waste your time sending them another letter. It's not working. They are either ill/depressed or plain neglectful and disinterested. I'm surprised school haven't done more. I would contact child protection at school.

ShortbreadFinger Wed 11-May-16 12:43:00

Sorry to say this, but we had a case similar to this in our family. Spent thousands trying to bring a court order in place to give my family member more access to the neglected children. Court system had no interest in separating children from their Mother. Mother was wide enough to bleach the floors before being visited by SS and despite having a huge case file on her, including police involvement for physical attacks on the children, alcohol related issues; nothing has been done, no support offered, no intervention. Children will need counselling to make a decent go at adulthood, and so collectively as a family, we concentrate on thinking about how we can facilitate that support in the future. It's the stuff of nightmares but sadly, it's a system that is so overwhelmed, children such as these aren't prioritised.

ShortbreadFinger Wed 11-May-16 12:43:33

Wise not wide*

Fragglewump Wed 11-May-16 12:43:39

Agreed that some of it sounds very judgey and condescending. I never iron, don't consider gravy a vital part of a meal, when my kids were 11 and 8 I also had a lie in at weekends and didn't classify it as 'dangerous' and my kids have been covered in food and gone out with belongings in a carrier bag. I like game of thrones too. Would you like to judge me? I also shop at expensive and cheap supermarkets and would consider anyone who gave their judgement on that to be a twonk. P.s. I sometimes buy my vegetables at the market.

FATEdestiny Wed 11-May-16 12:55:10

Very judgmental letter OP.

Some key, important and neglectful points.

But lots and lots of bitter, needless nastiness and devalues your key points and just makes you sound like a bitter, cat-bottom-mouth judgemental madam.

Firstmum24 Wed 11-May-16 12:56:34

So sad.

titchy Wed 11-May-16 12:56:49

Your letter is AWFUL. Patronising, condescending and most of it entirely irrelevant. If you have genuine concerns either report to Social Services (though I don't imagine anything you've written will cause any immediate concern, the kids aren't in danger, the parents aren't addicts), or step up yourselves.

Or did you just want to have a go?

I notice you're the step-parent. Your wife has brought up either the father or mother of these kids, and presumably they're continuing a pattern of neglect they were brought up with.

So what does your wife say about all this?

NerrSnerr Wed 11-May-16 13:09:50

You need to decide what the actual issues are. I don't iron my daughter's clothes, she is not neglected. Yes, they do sound bad but sending that letter to them won't help. You need to refer to the appropriate authorities.

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