Single first-time mum

(4 Posts)
catpower80 Wed 11-May-16 07:43:25

Hi, I'm 35y/o and about to have my first baby, a son, in August. Dad was a friend for 8 years and late last summer we started seeing each other romantically. It was December when I found out I was PG.
He has a son, about 20 months old who he is pretty good with (despite some worrying stories involving his love of white powder when little one was a baby). When we found out he said he didn't want another child with someone he wasn't with (i.e. if we're together, it can be some lovely fairytale or nothing). This got me thinking I would always be the one compromising so he wouldn't leave me - NOT in my DNA I'm afraid. I won't put up with just because I want you to stay. Stay if you want, there's the door if not.
This undermined all of my feelings for him. I didn't and don't want to be with someone who conditionally loves their child (or me). Plus, how would I deal with things falling apart later when I was heavily PG or had just had the baby? This made me realise I couldn't be with him.
Since then, he contacted me a few times, said lots of lovely things about 'being together' but nothing about being there if it didn't work out. This was January. I said if he couldn't commit to being there for little one no matter what, he should not be involved at all. Now he's not. I haven't heard from him since mid-Jan.
My question is; what do I do now? Continue on without his involvement? Contact him to check one last time? Ask him about being on the birth certificate? What about child support? This is all very new to me so any advice would be great.
As far as I can see on Twitter and FB, he's enjoying the life of riley, out up town drinking and doing god-knows-what-else so clearly he's not bothered. I don't think even his friends or family know he has another baby on the way....

Manyshadesofblack Fri 13-May-16 20:51:52

Hi catpower maybe you should post this on the lone parent board. I am sure you will get advice there.

I decided to not contact my childs father very much when I was pregnant but I did contact him to ask about child maintenance and if he wanted to be on the birth certificate. My childs father died last year. I do have some regrets about him not being in my sons life, I had assumed my son would meet his father when he was older but that will not happen.

I did receive maintenance but apart from that there was no involvement from the father. And I would say my life has been better that way. My son and I have a very strong bond and we are very happy together. His father would have complicated things and made life very up and down instead of settled.

I would definitely contact him to ask about child support. You can go to the csa if you decide you want to after the baby is here. If he is on the birth certificate it will give him parental rights (I think, I am not very up to date on it all). I felt safer without his name on the cert. My child has autism and I was glad he left us alone. It was for the best. But I am still sad he died.

Good luck

Manyshadesofblack Fri 13-May-16 20:56:40

My life was better without him in my life, but perhaps it is not the best for ds that he never met his father. You should probably speak to him again but it is up to you. You will know what is best

catpower80 Tue 17-May-16 12:05:29

Thanks Manyshadesofblack I'll re-post to the lone parent board too.

Looking at his twitter page, it looks like he's so busy going out, getting drunk and chatting up random girls he's gone and lost his job...

I think I've decided I'm going to get a solicitor to do the contacting/chasing. I don't want to speak to him, but he has a responsibility to at least contribute to our child's cost of living.

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