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Should I feel guilty?!

(12 Posts)
LariyahSpen Tue 10-May-16 18:50:09

Just in need of someone to tell me I am feeling completely normal or give me a good shake...either would be appreciated.

I have a beautiful, clever amazing 14 month old daughter who is mine and my partners world. He works I look after her full time time but due to go back to work in a few weeks.

I am 26, half of my friends have kids half don't. I never really got a huge feeling that I was missing out since becoming a mum it just is what it is. Previously I had a fantastic social life, a good job, money, nice clothes etc and plenty of plans with my partner.

The past two days we have been meeting up with my partners best friend and his new gf and it has made me feel like I am mourning my past life! They are totally in love, responsibility free and have excess money. They are popping off to Thailand for two weeks etc etc I just want to sob with jealousy! It's like I have realised all of sudden how restricted my life now is and how little freedom I actually have. I feel like I am in mourning! How ridiculous when I have such a perfect daughter sleeping in the other room! Cue GUILT!

Tonight my partner has gone to meet up with the couple and his other friends for food and drinks and I said it was fine but I just feel like crying tonight. I would love to just be going out for impromptu drinks and adult conversation but I feel stuck and have never have had this since having my baby.

I have quite a good social life still by that I mean I go out with friends every couple of weeks and my mum is good at having our little one so we get nights together it's just I feel like it's hit me like a tonne of bricks the past two days. I don't think my friends with kids would understand.

Has anyone else had this?! I feel like a horrible person! Kill me now!

starpatch Tue 10-May-16 20:24:58

Oh god yes it is so restrictive especially when they are very little

na5ima Tue 10-May-16 21:19:22

Aaawww don't feel guilty.. At least you have a social life- if you didn't then it would of been a different matter but at least you get a chance to get out.

I have a 11 month baby and I wouldn't change it for the world but sometimes I feel like I could just go away without thinking I have to look after a baby- kinda miss being selfish lol

Don't worry about it.. It'll pass.. Just think in a couple of years you can just go out and enjoy life with your partner while the kids have a sleep over at your mums or his mums smile

thedishonthecoffeetable Tue 10-May-16 21:25:21

It makes you think, eeeek I'm a grown up now and realising that your daughter now depends on you and that no matter what you want to do, you now have to to put someone else first, and that you will be doing that for the foreseeable future.

That sounds a bit scary, but it's not, it's how you grow as a person, can understand your friends who don't have children will not know what you are feeling/going through but their turn will come and you can sit on the sideline smiling serenely smile

Shelduck Wed 11-May-16 10:35:04

Totally totally normal thing to feel! Don't feel guilty, but also try not to dwell on the-life-you-don't-have too much. I find myself doing this every now and then, but i also know i wasn't on balance any happier when i was "free". Things are hard with children, and there are things i miss being able to do, but i know that if i could wave a magic wand and go back to my pre-children life, i'd probably get bored really quickly!

MiddleClassProblem Wed 11-May-16 10:44:53

I only ready half of your op because I suddenly felt I have to tell you I share this exact same feeling. I'm a sahm, will be until DD starts free nursery, or even school. We have no babysitter and moved when I was pregnant so no local friends to pop out and see whilst DH sits. DH has local friends. The only people I know here are through DD and just talk about mum stuff all the time. It's like no one knows who I am. A few of DH's partners (not local) have expressed similar feelings so I think it's quite common, particularly our generation where we have experienced more freedoms than many women (not all) decades before us.

weeblueberry Wed 11-May-16 10:56:49

If I were one of your friends to whom you mentioned this, I'd totally understand.

I love my kids to death but find myself often mourning my prekids life. Especially on random evenings when I see people leisurely going out for dinner or on a Sunday morning where the bloody Timeline thing on Facebook reminds me that five years before I was lying in bed watching TV and eating breakfast.

I tend to remind myself that if that were still me I'd be sobbing at the fact I didn't have children because it would mean we'd been trying for five years with no luck. Does that make sense? I'd be longingly staring at families with children at the beach and internally crying that I didn't have it. That's sort of what keeps me going when the grind gets me down, morbid though that sounds...

LilyandGinger Wed 11-May-16 11:02:37

Your friends with children would totally understand. Everyone goes through it.

I spent six years and several rounds of IVF trying for a baby. Our DC were completely planned and desperately wanted. I still had periods of mourning the old me.

It goes away. Just go and look at your lovely baby. and find a babysitter

herethereandeverywhere Wed 11-May-16 11:14:53

I still mourn my old life. I love my kids but they've done nothing for my quality of life.

Once the youngest got to 2 and family very kindly offered to have them for some overnights it made things bearable, and better. Without that I really don't think I would ever have been happy, if I'm honest. 5 minutes of cute cuddles and giggles per day are heart-melting but really don't balance out months of sleep-deprived arse-wiping drudgery.

You're not alone. The reality of being a parent it just tough. Very tough.

LariyahSpen Wed 11-May-16 11:56:47

Once again everyone is always fantastically supportive on these threads and I thank you all very much for not making me feel like an ungrateful sod!!

It's so true about feeling a bit forgotten when you have kids and I hate that so much that since having a baby I sometimes feel almost in the back ground. It was just last night my partner was saying how his friends gf has been giving him a bit of 'business' advice about his new venture...he has obviously forgotten my 5 years in a very good career because he didn't ask me for any advice what so ever hmm LOL

At least we can be honest about it. Having children has been harder than I could ever of imagined and mainly due to the choices you are forced to make to ensure that little person is always 100% happy it really is all about self sacrifice.

It's also true that as humans I think we yearn for what we don't have so yes I do long to make a snap decision and say 'yes let's do drinks can you meet in an hour?' But then again I wanted my daughter and some
of my single friends often say they wish they had a child and a stable family life (and give up 3 holidays a year & your mulberry handbag yea right!!)

I still feel a bit funny today but it helps to know us mums are not alone in these feelings. I am so lucky to have a healthy child but I did not know how lucky I was previously with 10 hours sleep and all the other joys of being young free and single!!

squizita Wed 11-May-16 12:22:07

All my mates have 2 or 3 kids - I was the last to have kids - and I sometimes feel this way too!

I have been assured that as they get older it gets easier - for example to spend time away from you without so much angst/guilt (e.g. staying at grandparents or aunt's for a fun weekend, while you gorge on pizza and slob out have a girl's night out).

Blooming well hope so.

In the meantime I am being strict with myself about wearing my 'me' clothes/make-up whenever possible not mum-stereotype clothes, it seems to help. I guess everyone has something like that. And why should I feel any guilt for that as I already paid for the clothes, it takes nothing from her IYSWIM? Whereas I might not enjoy a weekend away at this stage as I'd worry about her little face saying 'whe' mummeh?' sad .

corythatwas Thu 12-May-16 19:49:54

The restrictiveness of having children won't last forever. But hopefully the joy will.

And you may even find they make brilliant companions for future holidays to Thailand or wherever you want to go.

My elderly parents are just planning a long train journey through Europe with their teen grandsons. They are going to have a great time together. My dd is my favourite companion for nights at the theatre.

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