feeling like such a failure

[Flowerbunty]

Hey, I just sort of feel like I need to vent off somewhere and where better than my new favourite place...

So, I'm on my own with 2 DS.. It was never planned this way, but my partner passed away just over 2 years ago. I feel like I'm still grieving for the life I thought we'd have...

That's not really the point of my post tho. I am so tired all the time and I feel like I can't cope anymore. I work full time, to walk out at the end of the month with money that doesn't even cover my childcare costs (thank the Lord for tax credits eh?), come home to make dinner, do homework with DS1, which usually ends in a row, fight with DS2 to get him to bed and flop on the sofa too tired to even do the dishes.

I am struggling financially, I barely break even each month, getting minimum housing benefits etc... I can't see a way of me ever being able to build savings, of which I currently have none.

DS1 is currently being assessed for being on the autistic spectrum, I just constantly feel like I'm losing the energy to fight these constant battles that are being thrown at us. It is so hard to keep smiling even though my kids are the reason I breathe.

I just really feel like I'm failing them and I'm failing myself. I don't know how to change any of the situations we are in.

[Daisyandbabies]

First of all, having the ability to get up every morning and carry on while grieving for your husband shows just how incredibly strong you are. You are not a failure, you are being amazing by being able to do that as some couldn't.
Do you have much family around? In your position, you really need to lean on others and give yourself a break. Is there someone's house they could sleep at 1 night week, so that you have some time to yourself to get stuff done and relax a bit?
I can't advise on the money issue except to find a primary school for the kids (how old are they?) that offers breakfast and after school club so that you can cut back on paying for childcare.
Have you joined any local groups for people with deceased partners? Having people around you who are going through the same thing and fighting the same struggles and grief will make you feel less alone, and probably make you aware of how brilliantly you are actually coping.

One little tip...do the dishes while you cook so that you don't have to worry about them when the kids are in bed. I do them while the food is cooling and then rinse the plates before cleaning the kids up. Oh and 7/7:30 bed time with a strict routine. This makes the world of difference.

[Flowerbunty]

Thank you so much for replying. DS1 is at a school where the after schools club only runs from 2-3pm for the younger kids, and DS2 will be starting playgroup there come September.

There aren't many groups or anything in my area and although my family are close by they all work/have their own kids. It's hard to ask for help from people who are already doing so much themselves.

I dunno, I guess there isn't much to do but carry on. I just really needed to vent because some days it feels like I'm drowning more than others.

[Twinkie1]

Oh love, your life must be so dreadfully hard at the moment. Please ask for help from your family and friends. To them you may look as though you're coping whilst you're falling apart underneath. I'm sure they'd be there like a shot if you told them you were struggling regardless of their own commitments.

2 years is no time to process your grief and being there for your children and working will prolong the process.

Have you been able to access grief counselling? Could you perhaps approach your doctor to see if there is support locally or does your work have an employee assistance programme you could take advantage of?

[Flowerbunty]

Twinkie I went to my doctor and the first thing they did was offer me antidepressants (which I refused)... It seemed she was more interested in dulling the problem than actually dealing with it!

I think it's harder atm because it's coming to the date that he went into hospital (26th may).. He was there until he passed away 1/11/2013... DS2 was 9 months old when he passed. Dates in the calendar always seem to hold so much significance.. As I said, I feel like I'm grieving for the future we should've had, and every day our son grows or does something funny, I'm grieving for the relationship they'll never have. DS2 will never have any of his own memories, which in a way is also a good thing, but he won't have any fond memories of his daddy to look back on...

[Daisyandbabies]

It's awful and it's a position that none of us want to be in and dread the thought of... life can be shit sometimes. Nothing compares to grief and you have my utmost respect for being so strong and carrying on the way you do.
You have to have faith in the fact that you have your whole life ahead of you with your boys and will find happiness again. A close family friend was in a very similar situation to you...it's now 15 years on and she loves her life and is very happy, and so are her sons. Of course, she misses her husband and will always think of him, but he's alive in her kids and I guess she takes the joy that she can out of that.
You are doing an amazing job, don't forget that. Also, your family might have a lot on but unless they are going through what you are, then they can find the time to help. Confide in them and start to get back some happiness in your life

[cornishglos]

Do you have any family? Can they help?

[2015mom]

Really sorry that you are having such a tough time!

You really need to ask your family and friends for some help... It will make the world of difference ... I know you say they are busy with their own family and life but I am pretty positive they will want to help if you wanted it. I don't like to ask people for help with my LO unless it's absolutely essential ie funerals or places I cannot take my LO. You need a support system and people who love and care or you will help you.

Even if it's once a week or once a fortnight it would give you a breath of fresh air. Grandparents would love to spend time with their grandchildren... Maybe you could start with them.

In terms of finances, that is a tricky one especially with out government system!! Things will be better when they turn 3 & 4 because you will get 30 hours free childcare which will help you loads and the eventually they will go to full time school.

And give yourself a HUGE PAT ON THE BACK for your hard work and dedication.... Look at all your achievements you are doing great looking after two children on your own and working full time!! You should end very proud of yourself xx

[Topsy44]

Hi Flowerbunty,

So sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to your situation as my DH passed away 2 years ago in August. I have one 4 year old dd and it is very hard trying to look after her with grieving at the same time. Each one is exhausting but both together feels like I run a marathon every day.

My parents are elderly and although they are absolute troopers who want to help me out, they can only really be company for me about once a week and other family live too far away soI know how it feels to be battling on alone. Friends were great in the early stages but after a while they just assume you're ok and the offers of help stop. I find it very difficult to ask for help too when others have their own busy lives going on. What I would give to have a brother or sister living nearby who could help out with dd from time to time.

Anniversaries and special dates in the calendar are so tough and I find always make everything else so much harder to deal with. You just want to crawl under the duvet but have no choice to keep going.

At the moment, I have taken a break from work to help me cope and my DD's nursery is what I see as my main source of help. She has the free 15 hours and that is my time when I can breathe. I am learning to pat myself on the back and say 'well done' as no-one else can truly understand how hard it is unless they are going through it. I also see a counsellor from Cruse once a week and that really helps me to get everything out. I belong to Widowed and Young too which has been a great online support. Have met up with members a few times which has really helped but not always easy with dd.

I think venting online or to someone in person really helps too. The anger and frustration needs to come out. I often find myself screaming into a pillow!

I know how tough this is. You are doing an amazing job. Your DH would be incredibly proud of you.

Sending you a big hug.

[timelytess]

Sending , hugs and a .