We have just abandoned a bank holiday weekend which we had planned to spend at a (not cheap!) 'family-friendly' hotel and spa in the country. I am very anxious taking our 17mo DS anywhere, as he is a terrible eater (he barely ate anything until he was 9/10mo and then only under perfect conditions with no distractions, being sung to, taking ages etc and still making disgusting mess). So I never go out to eat with him and our lives have become much smaller, revolving around his routine at home. It is very lonely and boring, but it seems less stressful that way. We attempted one holiday to Sicily when he was 10mo which was a total disaster. Our luggage was lost for 4/7 days, he ate nothing, and then started refusing bottles (later we found out this was because he got a throat infection), and it was a nightmare from start to finish. At the time I resigned myself to never going away until he was a teenager, but having had a terrible few months, with a stint in intensive care, subsequent diagnosis with a lifelong health issue, and significant strains in our marriage, we felt that we would try a last ditch attempt at going away somewhere to see whether we could enjoy ourselves as a family. So my husband booked two nights at this 5 star family-friendly place, and off we went yesterday.
BIG MISTAKE. DS had been struggling with a nasty cold, and I was wary about going away, but DH insisted. When we arrived, DS became increasingly hyper and distracted-so many new things, light switches, TV remote, picking things up etc etc. Then we took him to have supper. He barely ate anything, threw stuff on the floor, stood up from (useless without proper harness) high chair and knocked over glasses of water - everywhere, and then had a tantrum. We gave up, put him in bath and put him to bed, the whole of which felt like a wrestling match. No other child was behaving like him. Last night, the hotel was full for the bank holiday weekend and my husband and I didn't sleep for hours as it was so noisy. And then DS wakes us up at 615. We were both shattered, trying to keep him amused until the breakfast place opened. By the time we got there, DS was crying and refused to be put down. We managed to get some yoghurt and banana into him, having insisted on high chair with a working harness, but then he started throwing things on the floor, getting cross and crying. I tried to distract him with toys but he just threw them on the floor as well. I started to cry, as felt so embarrassed as everyone was looking at us, and said to DH that I wanted to go home. He said that DS 'had to learn', and that other people manage to go away with their children. This just made me cry even more to the extent I just got up and left and packed our bags. We are now in slow traffic heading home feeling useless.
I do love my son, but I have to say that I feel that having him has ruined my life. I am totally exhausted, as he never sleeps beyond 630am, and I hate the tantrums and all the crap. I work full-time as although I hate my job and am useless at that, the thought of staying at home with him all day makes me want to run for the hills. We are lucky enough to have a saint for a nanny, but she makes me feel even more inadequate as he behaves well for her but is so difficult with us. DH never feeds him, and it is always me who baths him and puts him to bed at night. At weekends it is me who usually does most things for him, changing nappies etc. I have met up with friends in the evening three times since he was born. I barely ever see friends any more and I've been out to a birthday party once. My husband and I have been out about five times since he was born.
I used to be a pretty social, physically fit and energetic person, with nice clothes and felt ok about myself. We went on a couple of simple holidays a year. Now I am always exhausted, look awful with threadbare/filthy clothes, have no time to exercise or make myself look good, feel a total failure at work and as a mother. I absolutely hate this. I worried DS has a disorder on the autistic spectrum as he still has only two words (shoes and hat...he may say Daddy), doesn't respond to his name, and is totally impossible. The thing that really scares me as we are expecting another child (my health conditions meant that I should get on with it as it is more likely I will suffer early menopause). I can't cope with my existing child and cry thinking about doubling the trouble. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to as I am not a good enough mother to be able to go anywhere or on a holiday without crying through the whole ordeal. Life seems so bleak. Has anyone been through this? Any words of wisdom much appreciated.
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Feral 17mo. Feel a total failure.
90 replies
cobaltblue27 · 01/05/2016 11:49
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