Just had second baby and feeling tearful for firstborn

[mumwhoruns]

Hello
I just wanted to know if anyone else feels/felt like this when their second child was born?
I feel sort of bereft and sad - I know it's silly and probably baby blues/hormones but I miss my firstborn and knowing that it's not just me and him anymore.
He's been a bit offish with me because of the new addition. He's quite interested in the baby but is definitely out of sorts. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this sad.
I feel completely daft really but feel like I'm going to adjust again to a different life with two and will miss life just with one.
He now seems so big and grown up and I feel like I haven't spent much time with him because I'm with newborn.
I love newborn to pieces but then I think of how firstborn is and I get all teary. Please someone tell me to shape up!!

[mayoketchupchocolate]

No advice but sending

We only have one at the moment, but trying for number 2, and this very situation terrifies me. I feel sad already about DS1, so totally understand your feelings and I'm not even pregnant with DC2 yet!

Sorry, not very helpful, but I think what you're feeling is normal

[luckiestgirlintheworld]

I felt very similar. I even started a thread about it, here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2446934-DS2-just-born-feeling-complicated-emotions

The feeling lasted about 10 days, and now, 8 months on I am so so pleased we have the new relationships that DS2 has brought.

Things aren't the same now, but soon enough you wouldn't have it any other way.

Be kind to yourself. These are heady days.

[EnjoyTheSimpleThingsInLife]

My kids are 7 and 4 years old now but I remember feeling exactly the same when DD2 was born. I was in hospital for a few days after having her, and felt so guilty that DD1 was at home and needed me. Even when we were back home, I felt the same.

Don't worry about it, it's completely normal (I think!). I felt like that for a couple of weeks but you soon get used to having two children!

I'm TTC no.3 and can imagine feeling the same all over again if we have another baby.

Congratulations btw

[unlimiteddilutingjuice]

I had similar feelings OP. But Firstborn and baby have a great relationship now. They are three and one and have genuine affection for each other. They are even capable of playing together with Duplo bricks and Cars.

I don't know if this is right or not but in the first 2 weeks of secound-borns life I made the choice to deliberately favour firstborn.
So, for example, if they both wanted me at the same time I would let secoundborn cry while I sorted firstborns request.
I figured secoundborn wouldn't remember and it would prevent jealousy setting in.
After two weeks- I made it more equal and did first come first served. Two weeks in toddler time is forever so she wasn't an interloper any more just his kid sister who'd always been there.

Once she started smiling I would get firstborn to "make her" smile. He would get right up in her face and chant "Smi-le, Smi-le, Smi-le" and of course the baby would do it, just because someone was talking to her!
Then I would congratulate firstborn on being such a brilliant big brother!

I still even now, make a point of introducing firstborn first when people come to say hello to the baby. I say "Hi, this is my Big Boy, he's three and this is secoundborn- she's just turned one."

Another thing I did and this is probably a bit nutty and not for everyone so feel free to ignore: When secoundborn was 5 weeks old I took both kids off on an adventure to visit family on the other side of the country. It cemented us as a team and showed firstborn that exciting, happy things could still happen to him, even with a baby sister in tow.

[ThisWasCrownjewel]

I had exactly the same feeling - so much so that I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy in tears knowing what was coming, and the first week after DD arrived in tears with guilt for having done such a terrible thing to DS1 - the day we brought her home, he was horrifically badly behaved and I was so upset that it was my fault...
Anyway fast forward a couple of weeks, DS1 loves DD to bits and is doing a great job as big brother, he loves showing her off when she comes with me to nursery drop-off and pick-up, he takes his toys to her, bounces her bouncy chair etc... I honestly think it'll pass once you start to see them interact with one another

[pleasethankyouthankyouplease]

I think it's normal. Make some special time for each of your children when you do something that's just about them.
Be kind to yourself is good advice.

[stugtank]

Very normal OP. I have three kids now 10, 7 and 2.

When dc2 was born I felt such sadness for my firstborn. Then when dc3 came along, even though there was a bigger gap, I felt it for my second born.

It's an aching bereft feeling and I used to cry when I looked at the child who used to be 'the baby'.

But it does pass and then you can't imagine it any other way. And the baby becomes a cheeky, physical toddler too!

When you've just had a baby your emotions and hormones are everywhere. Also humans don't like change and even if a baby is very wanted it takes time to adapt to new relationships and routines. But it is so very worth it. I love seeing mine together, playing and protecting. Yes there is jealousy and bickering too but that is also normal!

It's okay to indulge the baby. I know a lot of people ignore the baby a bit to focus on older one but it's important they see you love and care for their baby sibling because they will mimic this. They trust you and trust that this is right. Get them involved.

In the very early stages it's okay if another caretaker,Dad or grandparents, help with the older one while you get to grips with feeding and rest. As long as you carve out a bit of time for your older one where you focus on them. Maybe Dad could walk the baby and you cuddle up and read a story or watch a favourite programme. It really doesn't have to be big gestures just now.

Also don't worry if the older one rejects you for Dad a bit. Now mine are all past the baby stage it's much easier to give equal time and attention and I used to show my older two pictures of me breastfeeding them and carrying them in a sling. They come to understand that babies need a lot of practical care but your love is boundless and there is plenty for all!

[mumwhoruns]

Oh thank you. Oh dear your nice words have set me off again. I really didn't think about this issue when I was pregnant so it has floored me. I expect made worse by no sleep and hormones all over the shop.
Some great tips and advice which I will take on board.
I'm glad it is not just me and this feeling is not unusual.
On the plus I feel much better about ds2 than I did with ds1 when he was born - prob down to positive birth and feeling a bit more relaxed with feeding and general motherhood as have done it before, so I feel love for him fine, it's just the grieving for ds1 and our little life we had. I feel like I've lost him or that he feels different as he is so big compared to ds2. But I guess things will adapt and I love him just as much - maybe it's highlighted to me just how fiercely I do love him. Going to do some nice small things and loads of cuddles. We should all adjust soon.

[mumwhoruns]

Oh thank you. Oh dear your nice words have set me off again. I really didn't think about this issue when I was pregnant so it has floored me. I expect made worse by no sleep and hormones all over the shop.
Some great tips and advice which I will take on board.
I'm glad it is not just me and this feeling is not unusual.
On the plus I feel much better about ds2 than I did with ds1 when he was born - prob down to positive birth and feeling a bit more relaxed with feeding and general motherhood as have done it before, so I feel love for him fine, it's just the grieving for ds1 and our little life we had. I feel like I've lost him or that he feels different as he is so big compared to ds2. But I guess things will adapt and I love him just as much - maybe it's highlighted to me just how fiercely I do love him. Going to do some nice small things and loads of cuddles. We should all adjust soon.

[lordStrange]

I had this too, it was so odd! Also, DC1 suddenly looked enormous like a burly teenager (he was five ).

He adored his baby sister, and the sadness slowly left to be replaced with a wistful feeling about the early years of my pfb.

[Jenijena]

Are you me? DS2 is three weeks old, DS1 is nearly 4. Doesn't help that DS1 's behaviour has been ...trying... For a couple of months (major answering back, totally not listening, waving goodbye to boundaries, and not enough sleep overnight...)

He hasn't asked to send him back, but I'm not a newborn person and missing being a family of three... I know it will get better!!!

[Chrysanthemum5]

I remember crying in a soft play (and not just because I hate soft play ) when dc2 was a newborn because I was convinced I'd ruined dc1's life. Fortunately I had a cup of tea and managed to stop. Now they are 11 and 8 and love playing together.

I think it's quite a common feeling

[stugtank]

Yes that intense sadness does go. I suppose when you go from 0-1 you grieve for your child free life but once you've adapted it's okay. Same when a subsequent baby comes along. You grieve for the fact that it will never be just you and pfb again.

It's a form of grieving and of letting go but also looking forward to the new and positive things ahead.

My dc2 was so much easier as a baby. Fed and slept better, loved to snuggle and sleep on me. Compared to dc1 who cried and cried and pushed away and wouldn't sleep etc. So I felt a lot of guilt too. But I worked through that and realised I did the best I could.

Now dc1 is a strapping 10 year old lad and a lovely boy! We have a great relationship and lots in common and he still likes his own space and doesn't need loads of sleep. Where as dc2 is 7 and still a very cuddly girl and loves her sleep. They were just different all along.

[puglife15]

I felt like this and to compound it my ds1 was awful to me, he completely rejected me and wouldn't even talk to me or cuddle me, would scream if I walked towards him. He screamed, cried and fought us physically at nursery drop off when previously he'd walked in happily, and screamed, cried and refused to leave at pick up. He had no interest in the baby and refused to call him by his name.

I tried to do bedtime about two weeks in while DH had the baby and it was so upsetting - with him screaming, sobbing, pushing and hitting me constantly for nearly an hour - I left the house!

Two months in things have turned a corner and are much better. DS1 behaviour however is still extremely challenging at times and he is testing boundaries constantly, whining and being very defiant. But then he's a 3 year old and did most of these things already!

It helps massively that ds2 is a good sleeper and slept anywhere for the first 6 weeks tbh.

I can still sense a little sadness in ds1, but now that the baby is smiling and cooing a bit he's more engaged. We talk a lot about what he was like when he was a baby and things we did, and I've tried to do fun things and days out with him where he gets plenty of attention.

[saucepot]

Hello, I just wanted to say I feel exactly the same-had my baby 6 days ago and so tearful about ds1(nearly 6) I feel like I want to go back in time and cherish every moment again. Oh god, getting tearful - MIL here any moment so must toughen up! How are you feeling now, mumwhoruns? Lots of love xxxx

[DownstairsMixUp]

Yes op defintely normal. My ds's are nearly 2 and nearly 7. When I got home the first few days I was a mess, constantly bfing and felt like i was missing out with my eldest and i was all emotional that HE wasn't my baby anymore. It passed and they are good together now (apart from the eldest sometimes being a little TOO rough with him)

[Thurlow]

I'm not a newborn person and missing being a family of three

I'm pregnant with #2 and this is what I'm terrified about! I know I do want this baby, and I do want to be a family of 4 in the end, but the past month or two I keep looking at DD(4) and feeling so sad that she's not going to get as much attention, and thinking about how much I enjoy spending time with her now - 4's turning out to be such a nice age in her. I was chatting to her at bedtime the other night and got all tearful at the thought that this might have to stop because there'll be a screaming hungry newborn to manage as well.

Maybe it's the not being a 'baby' person that's worrying too. With hindsight I can see that I didn't really get into the swing of it and really, really enjoy being with DD until she was about 3

[thescruffiestgiantintown]

I started a thread about this very recently... We are one month in now.

I am still finding it very hard emotionally. I found an old thread on here and one poster wrote a sentence that just keeps reverberating in my mind: "and no, my relationship with my first child never did recover that sweet intensity".

I don't light up the way I feel I should when DD is loving and adorable with DS. I keep thinking about what DD and I have lost - that 'sweet intensity'. I adore DS, and truly appreciate him, but there is still this unavoidable sadness about what I've done to DD's world.

I don't think it helps that I'm not particularly close with my own brother so I don't have this 'but siblings are the best thing ever!' frame of reference.

I don't know... I trust it will get better. Hugs.

[Jenijena]

Thurlow, what you wrote really resonates with me. DS2 is now four weeks old, DS1 nearly 4. Adored grandparents (ILs) did bath (shower) time tiday, but as I'd come to the end of a feed, I went up to help. Despite the fact I had to turn on wicked mummy act (he was jumping in the shower), in the middle of the sobs I had 'mummy do stories'. So I did, and there were lots and lots of cuddles. I do miss that sweet intensity but I appreciate my alone time with him even more. Also he does love his baby brother and we talk a lot about who loves who, which helps.

What doesn't help is DS1's still decidedly dodgy sleeping, which makes me even more irritable with him. He can't get back to sleep if he wakes up after about 5, and is then monstrous during the day, and it's very hard to deal with that + sleep deprivation...

[CakeAndChocolate]

I'm pregnant with DC2 and I am really really worried about this, in fact it is already making me sad. I love the life and relationship that me and DS have and if I am truly honest we've only gone for DC2 because DH really wanted DS to have a sibling. I am an only child and always quite happy that way so I don't really understand the "it's so great to have a sibling" thing, I would have been happy sticking with 1. I'm just so worried that DC2 will have a negative impact on DS's life. I want only good and happy things for him.

It's really interesting to read this thread, thank you so much to everyone who has been so honest. I must admit I was kind of hoping that when (if) DC2 arrived safely that everything would click into place and I'd feel a rush of love/like it was definitely the right thing to do, but it's really helpful to know that probably won't be the case and I should be prepared for feeling low for a few days/weeks (and that its ok/normal to feel that way).

[corythatwas]

Looking back at it from the other end of the telescope (one adult, one teen), the one thing that has really made me well up in a good way over the years is watching dc1 and dc2 together and seeing how much joy they get out of each other. Realising that I have given both of them something that will last and be a source of strength to them long after I am gone.

The first few months were tough going (dd was positively murderous at times and I literally had to lock ds away to be able to go to the loo), but it has been so worth it. Life as a family of four has been great fun! And still is. Chats over the dinner table, dd taking ds out and treating him from her wages, the two of them snuggled up on the sofa over facebook pictures.

[mumwhoruns]

Hello

Saucepot things are ok - ds1 is quite offish with me at present which is heartbreaking plus he has turned into a tantruming toddler which has pushed my sleep deprived buttons at times. My dh has had to remind me that he is 2 and I am 36 when I'm about to lose it!
But then he's ok at other times and seems his normal self. He does like ds2 and will kiss him but otherwise doesn't seem overly interested.
I am still finding it hard - I am sure it will get easier and they will like having each other to play with soon though. I miss not having proper time with him as have to deal with ds2. My dh has few weeks pay leave so we are making most of two of us being there and going out and doing fun stuff with him. Friends face brought him little presents too when they visit. However I think perhaps we are trying too hard at times as this is when he pushes us away too.
Bit of a rambly post sorry am so tired! I still feel tearful at times - more now as he's rejecting me. The adjustment stuff to two will list take time I guess. Thank god ds2 seems fairly straightforward at present which is such a bonus. Would be hard with a wailer baby this time round.

[Babytalk2019]

Hi @mumwhoruns
I realise this is an old thread now- but I wondered how things turned out for you?
My second baby (girl) is now 8weeks (first born boy is just over 2yrs)... I feel exactly as you describe!
I was so upset and mourning my relationship with my first child for weeks- from the minute baby 2 popped out - as soon as he walked back in the hospital door it had changed somehow. The feelings came as a great surprise.
My son is quite sweet towards his sister- and certainly never jealous or mean- a little ambivalent at times but can be protective so I feel confident about their relationship.
However- I have never gotten the connection back with my first- and it’s breaking my heart. He’s becoming indifferent to me too, which makes me feel worse- I can’t tell if he’s bothered and upset/hurting or just loosing interest in me. I’m interested in the attachment parenting theories and concerned about this ambivalence as much for him and his development as for myself.
I go to every effort to do as much as I can with him (the two of them)- I take him out most days on an adventure (as we always used to do) or at the least find games and tasks focused on him.
He has started to push me away however and I am finding it so hard- I can’t see the wood for the trees and feel completely overwhelmed. I feel so sad- but don’t want my own self indulgent emotions to get in the way of hearing my firstborns (or second!) needs- and I desperately want to have a close, connected, happy relationship once again.
Do you have any tips?
Did your first born push you away at any point? Maybe I am being too sensitive - it is just so hard.
Thank you in advance for any insights you can share!