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I'm going to try to be a more positive and less shouty parent. Anyone else?

(165 Posts)
Misty9 Sun 10-Apr-16 12:31:14

I have a problem with controlling my anger. There. I've said it. I blow up too easily and shout too much. I stop short of physical violence. But only just sad I never knew how angry I could feel in response to my children's behaviour.

I am committing to change. Heck, I help other people do this for a living! So I do know better. But practising what I preach is not easy. So I need to try harder.

I'm starting with laura Markham's book and might enrol on her online course. And I need to spend less time on here.... I also need to find better coping strategies when I am stressed other than crying and eating chocolate

Anyone else struggle with anger? What do you do to address it?

Misty9 Sun 10-Apr-16 22:53:54

So today was a good day well, afternoon really as dh took the kids out this morning

I haven't shouted since posting this afternoon and didn't check my phone for a few hours. I also listened to a laura markham podcast and found it very helpful.

Tomorrow it's just me and the kids. The next test begins... starting with getting to sleep at a reasonable hour!

KimmySchmidtsSmile Sun 10-Apr-16 23:01:17

Ooh I'll join you Misty. Have three DC: 13 year old who gives me the rage ( but informs me I should be grateful she doesn't drink, smoke or shaghmm), a 5 year old hell-bent on winding up her brother and the 2 year old who's a bit...bitey. grin
So..puberty vs sibling rivalry vs terrible twos. And all I ever seem to do is holler. How old are yours?

Misty9 Sun 10-Apr-16 23:05:38

Oops, I didn't say - 4.5 and 2 next week. They're generally lovely kids... it's me sad
You've definitely got your hands full! I can't say I'm looking forward to puberty or teenage behaviour...!

Wilberforce2 Sun 10-Apr-16 23:10:34

Misty I could have written your post word for word sad We were away last week and I really struggled being with the kids (2 and 7.5) all day everyday. I know I am too shouty and that I blow up too quickly but o do t know how to control it.

I'm just going to look up that book you mentioned.

SweetieXPie Sun 10-Apr-16 23:15:28

I have literally just posted about my horrendous day where I literally lost it this morning.
I agree having a good nights sleep seems to make you feel instantly better.
I am going to look into that book! I am willing to try anything, I dread that my children will all grow up with memories of this horrible mother shouting all the time sad

Misty9 Sun 10-Apr-16 23:18:46

I know exactly what you mean sweetie . I've always known I have anger issues and when ds was younger and I was a sahp I really struggled. But we had bonding issues anyway and I guess I didn't see the impact immediately. Dd, nearly 2, is soo attached to me and I can see myself wrecking that every time I shout sad

I will change. Slowly..

KimmySchmidtsSmile Mon 11-Apr-16 08:23:16

Oops. Kindergarten-run shouting fail. blush
In fairness to me the 2 year old was trying to breastfeed rather than getting dressed when had been told repeatedly boobs were not on the menu.
Elder sister would not stop singing badly and chuntering.
Neither wanted to brush teeth or hair.
I am now on simmer, will try again later at pick up to be non-shouty as we are off to park this afternoon (the storm after the calmwink).
Good luck shamrock fellow-yellers!

SweetieXPie Mon 11-Apr-16 18:27:30

I have been ok today, children had an inset day so had a trip to a big park with friends and that worked out well as they are now all shattered, I had a few cross moments, when they were not listening etc but generally been a much much better day then yesterday so here's hoping once they are back at school tomorrow, I can sort the house out and gather my thoughts wink

hillyhilly Mon 11-Apr-16 18:31:31

I'm trying too - but my DD (11) in particular really tests my patience.
I try to remember that they will need reminding 100 times whether I shout or not and that's just how it is as they are still kids.
I may be a little better than a couple of weeks ago but I've quite a long way to go yet

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 11-Apr-16 18:34:09

Can I join? I'm about half way through Calm parents happy kids. Been struggling with DS 2.5 who has delayed speech which causes a lot of frustration and tantrums. PG with number 2 so tired all the time and snappy and really want to get things better with my DS before another one arrives in July.

jimijack Mon 11-Apr-16 18:47:42

Oh dear God thank you so much for this..this is me, totally me, I am so angry and flare up SO fast, worrying fast.

95% of my day is calm, adoring my kids, absolutely loving being with them and happy, then 5% I'm enraged at the slamming of the toy car against my glass tv stand stand, or the 5000 time I've told him to stop blowing raspberries and spitting every where. Or the throwing of toys across the fucking room.
Added to the NO sleep every ducking night, I struggle to keep it together.

I try to get him to leave the room but he refuses and screams the street down, but if I try to leave he follows .e screaming, spitting and throwing things.

He is 3 ffs.

bingisthebest Mon 11-Apr-16 21:04:36

I struggle and am so shouty too.
How can I expects children to be respectful if I just yell all the time.
Not all the time but lots. I don't want to be like this.
I have 3dcs 2,5 and 7. I do ok and then just lose it.
Have been looking for books to read this evening.
It makes me so sad sometimes.

poocatcherchampion Mon 11-Apr-16 21:21:53

I'm working on this too but with a twist - trying to be kinder to dh.

3 children at home and I am basically fine with them but I am a bit rolly eyed and snappy with dh. Pass me the nappy bag, "come onnnnn", " not like that, like this " etc etc.

2 days in he seems happier. But I havent told him why grin

KimmySchmidtsSmile Mon 11-Apr-16 21:23:46

Evening all
Well, my three are now in bed. Went to the park this afternoon. Was a bit hacked off that as soon as we got there dc2 wanted the loo but managed to keep it together: less so when she and her brother started punching each other for no apparent reason. Got back to find dc1 in the bath with a Lush bath bomb glittery green which meant the other two were envy so all three ended up in the tub. brew cake now. Have been trying to pretend a camera/Supernanny is watching but then I am sure I end up like one of those loud listen to my parenting mums people hate on here...wink

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Mon 11-Apr-16 21:28:00

Me too please. I have a 3 and 6 year old who alternately fight and adore each other. I need to be more patient and less shouty, and have better techniques for naughtiness.

Going to google Laura Markham now.

GrouchyKiwi Mon 11-Apr-16 21:31:33

I would like to join too. This is an ongoing battle for me, and whenever I think I'm getting somewhere I end up right back at the beginning.

This morning was awful, the main part of the day ok, and the evening bad again.

I'm reading Laura Markham's book, and have also bought the one about listening so kids talk etc.

My children are 4 and 20 months, and I'm 34 weeks pregnant with DC3.

(I could also do with being nicer to DH, poocatcher.)

glowfrog Mon 11-Apr-16 21:52:54

This thread is for me, too. At home with 4 yr-old DD1 and 1 yr-old DD2. Husband works away from home during the week. In run-up to Xmas he was ill every weekend so no break. No family around to help. DD2 is super clingy. DD1 is super willful. I have had some spectacular blow-outs. sad

I have found Janet Lansbury also excellent.

Misty9 Mon 11-Apr-16 22:55:18

Wow, lots of new joiners! I can't decide if it's reassuring that being an angry mum isn't that uncommon or not....!

Something in that podcast I mentioned has stick with me today:
You can either calm the storm, or make it worse.

I've been trying to do the former...but it's hard! Dd is well and truly into the terrible twos and soooo stubborn can't think where she gets that from... then pulls such a hurt face when I get exasperated with her.

We're all trying to be calmer and that is a brilliant start. The other thing I'm trying to do is point out positives instead of being so bloody critical all the time (definitely applies to dh too!) For example, she was climbing on the kitchen stool and instead of saying 'be careful!' I said "you're good at.balancing aren't you?" (!) And she wandered off saying "I'm good at balancing mummy" and sounding so proud. Now, if that sticks I dread to think how much all the negative sticks equally so. If I'm even making sense...?

Tomorrow is another day smile

jimijack Tue 12-Apr-16 10:31:39

What sort of things make you all angry?

For me it's the destruction of my house and belongings.
This morning ds just left his milk cup on its side so milk poured out all over my sofa, it's a Tommy tippee thing that doesn't work I have discovered. Meant to be leak proof. I asked him to pick it up, of course got a screaming "no" and then raspberry blown spit all over the place.
Plate after plate of untouched food, carp everywhere in every room in the house.
Dents in the walls from toys bashed against them, filthy hand prints everywhere.

Cleaning up is like shoveling fucking snow while it's still snowing.

I'm not so much angry, Just totally worn down by the relentless nature of keeping it together as well as everything else.
Ds 1 is hitting/slapping at the moment too and it hurts, it's unexpected and I don't know wherewithal come from.

It seems to be the same things over and over that gets to me.

MoreGilmoreGirls Tue 12-Apr-16 12:20:20

For me it's the constant kicking and screaming at nappy changes and when getting dressed. This morning it took an hour to get him ready which is just not practical. He is also very strong and does hurt me and I'm worried about him kicking my bump. It's hard not to take it personally and get wound up. sad

Being tired all the time does not help.

Apart from that we've had quite a good morning.

Sammysquiz Tue 12-Apr-16 13:27:36

I'm in! Mine are exactly the same ages as yours Misty - DD is 4.5 and DS turns 2 this week. It makes things so much worse when I shout at them, but yet I still do it when I get wound up. Would love to be a calmer parent. When they're in bed & I look back at the day & reflect, I can see I overreacted in times of stress. I just need to pause & think before I blow-up at them!

TeaandHobnobs Tue 12-Apr-16 13:42:58

I've descended into shouty territory with my DS again (nearly 4), and I've even been a bit abrupt with my 1yo. I'm an idiot for doing it because I know DS' behaviour deteriorates when I do... but I really struggle to maintain my patience. I am tired and stressed about work, which doesn't help with the reserves of patience! DH is barely around either.
Starting tonight, I need to put my phone away as soon as I take over after tea, and not get it out again until they have gone to sleep... Let's see if I can!

glowfrog Tue 12-Apr-16 14:43:58

Jimi yes, it's relentless, isn't it?? Sisyphus had it easy...

The impossibility of getting anything done beyond the basics really wears me down. It's not like I have ambitions of learning Mandarin. But a day when I get on top of laundry and washing up is a good day...

And no wonder. Went on a CBT course recently as I was worried I was heading for depression. Three basic needs: Achievement, Connection and Enjoyment, or ACE. Made me realise how little I get of any of these.

Trying to work out tiny achievements that would be practical at the moment. And also trying to see more people and to make myself find the time to enjoy something.

Ages ago I read on here about getting up BEFORE the kids to give yourself some time. I'd do that in a heartbeat if I wasn't so knackered already!!

GrouchyKiwi Tue 12-Apr-16 14:46:35

For me the worst things are when DD1 will not listen, and the constant fighting between the two of them.

We're having a fairly calm day so far today.

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