Lost it - struggle to get DS to go out

[ApproachingATunnel]

Feeling very low. My DS comes as obese when i calculate his BMI so i try every weekend to get us out for a walk to the park and it is a struggle. I just spent some 20 min offerring all neighbouring parks (lakes, playgrounds, animal farms) to be told he is borred of them all. He then says lets go somewhere new. Ok, so i go online to google what else is out there and there's places where i will be spending ~£25 just to get in. Which i cant really justify at the moment. So i go back to trying to persuade him to go out somewhere free. No luck. And i just lost it then. Shouted at him that as far as im concerned he can spend whole day in front if tv to which i was told 'i dont care'. Sent him up to his room to which he went calling me 'stupid mum'

Had a go at DP. He suffers with hayfever so doesnt want to go but quite frankly he is not a sporty type so it feels like a handy excuse. People have hayfever and still manage to go out with kids, right?..

I feel like im banging my head against the wall. DS is constantly asking for food which i try to limit to then find out that DH gave him a milkshake/toast after he already had loads. I feel like im fucking alone in this trying to manage his weight! So i slammed the door and left - DS in his room and upset DH as he feels im acting like it's all his fault.

I dont know how to manage this. How do i make DS exercie more?... I feel shit and guilty because my child is overweight despite my best efforts. He's acting like a spoilt brat, im sure lots of kids would be excited to go to places while he just doesnt want to and all is 'boring'.

He is 6.5 btw...:((
Maybe i should just stop pushing with going out and just let him stay home with tv/computer... :((
Any words of wisdom?...

[pollyblack]

Ban the tv and computer for a while, he'll find things to do. Can you get a friend to come with kids then they can all run about together? When you go out don't use the bus or car, just walk to the place. Also it kind of sounds like you are asking him if he wants to go out, whereas I'd just say that you are going out and that's it. Is there a sports/activity club he could go to? What about swimming or cycling? Do you have space for a trampoline in your garden? Tell your DH to take a hayfever tablet or look in to other remedies, of course it's not just your responsibility.

[Fyaral]

He is 6. Why are you asking him where he wants to go? Just get him in car and go. Also sign him up for some extra curricular sports. Maybe judo or something so he is not competing in running against smaller children.

The biggest issue is diet however. Exercise will not cure obesity. You need to strictly manage his diet without making this obvious to him. No snacks or sweets. Dp MUST be on side with this. Take Dp to the gp with you so he can have consequences spelled out. This is so so important for your son's wellbeing.

Do not let your 6 yo rule your home and ruin his own health for life.

[Fyaral]

Yes to banning or severely restricting screen time. He can only watch stuff or play games in your communal sitting room. Take away any other devices and on no account should he have a tv in his room.

He should not get any personal devices until he is at least 10 imo. So many children are welded to their games on phones and cannot just do nothing which is a valuable skill and gives thinking/moving time.

[feelingmiffed]

Do you have a trampoline park nearby? They're abit expensive ( £10 an hour at our one) but a great, fun, workout

[canyou]

Lost a long post
Lucky you
I get hayfever tell him take a tablet and eat local honey it cures the worst of it. If it is really bad go to the Dr they have miracle cures.
Is your DC actually hungry I would assume bored or thirsty
Dont ask get him ready and go out to where you choose he will enjoy it when he gets there. Can you offer to take some of his friends or neighbours he plays with to the park as well?

[canyou]

Oh and I use large side plates even for myself to serve meals on as I found the bigger the plste the bigger the portion and tbh even I find it is enough to fill me and I was getting fat We have ground rules re portions only 2 biscuits per person, I make small fairy cakes not large cup cakes. Smoothies are 50% veg and only a small glass max 3 pieces of fruit a day crisps and sweets no more the 3 times a week

[ApproachingATunnel]

Thank you all. I came back home and turned off tv and computer. After a bit of whinge he went to the kitchen to help dh prepare dinner. Whilst i sat and read a book (first time in ages). He's been playing with his cars for quite a bit now and seems pretty happy. I feel less shitty too...
I think that part of the problem is that yes, i ask his opinion on whether/where he wants to go (probably due to being unsure myself) too much. You're right, he's 6 and should just tell him we're going and that's that.

Re food intake i need to yet again go over everything with dp as he tends to be lax and gives in (and likes junky food himself so not a splendid role model)...

[AllChangeLife]

You can still ask him... But give him options between 2. "Which do you prefer, park or swimming" that way there is no choice to say no?

But food is 90% it... watch portion sizes and amounts of high/double carb dinners (ie spaghetti hoops with potato, rather than either with veg!) Also give dp a shake. The food habits now are creating your son's food habits for his lifetime!

Good luck....

[LeaLeander]

Six years old! I assumed he was 16! You need to take charge and stop negotiating. How did he get to be so disobedient?

Pull the plug on all electronics. Do some research into how they affect developing brains and the addiction/pleasure centers of the brain. There is no reason a child should be be on screens as the default pastime.

Sounds like marital counseling in order too if your husband constantly undermines you. Why do you receive so little respect in your own household?

[SurroMummy13]

TELL him he's going for a walk with you guys. TELL your OH that he can have allergy tablets and go with you.

[TheNIghtManagersWife]

Can you make swimming as a family a regular activity? Get bikes for you all to get you out at the weekends? I bought cheap bikes (under £20 each) for me, H and 2 DDs from eBay a few summers back and the kids really got excited by biking. My DD is the same age as your son.

[Helenwiththebigmelons]

I'm deleting this thread, it's getting silly now

[Fyaral]

What?

[ApproachingATunnel]

Bikes for under £20 you say? Wow, i must check out ebay!
I guess it's a bit more complicated because i also have a 1.5 y/o. So going out means more effort esp if i'm alone with them (hence im pissed of with dh and his hayfever).

I am actually very good at TELLING both ds and dh what's going to happen. It's sleep deprivation getting the better of me. In this state i wish he took the lead on portion sizes/exercise but he doesnt. He's not hopeless but a bit lazy i think. Which needs to be addressed.

If we give ds smaller portions/less than others (adults) around the table he gets very upset (it's not fair!) and has a hissy fit... I know it needs to be done i just wish it was eaaier. Why on earth is he eating so much..

[ApproachingATunnel]

Helen- please elaborate? Who rubbed you the wrong way today?

[longdiling]

I wonder if you could stop eating with the kids as a short term solution to the portion issue? I know family meals are generally a good thing but you can still sit at the table and chat. A 6 year old shouldn't really be having the same portion as an adult. Can you give him extras of veg/salad to fill his plate?

[Spandexpants007]

No electronics all day till he's been outside.

Sit down with your DH and agree/write down what food he can have when. Communicate with each other as he eats so you both know what he's had and what he's allowed

Let DS have his hissy fit. It will probably only take a few hissy fits before he accepts the potion change.

You are the adult after all. You are ultimately responsible, not him.

[Squashybanana]

I have 4 kids aged 15 to 5. I very clearly give different portion sizes, eg ds1gets 4 or 5 sausages, dc4 gets 2. They never complain about this because they know that their bodies are different sizes and so they need different amounts of food. Ask him if his sibling aged 1 needs the same amount of food as him at 6. Fair doesn't always mean the same. I say that a lot in my house!

[SavoyCabbage]

It sounds like your ds rules the roost. I wouldn't give a hoot if one of mine said it was unfair that they were getting two fish fingers and I was getting four. I'd just say 'that's because I'm bigger than you are so I need more food'.

[LizzieMacQueen]

Just skim read but I'd advise,

1. a trampoline if you have the garden for it and can afford it
   
2. restricting sugary drinks - will he drink water?
   
3. reduce portion size and encourage fruit and veg
   
   Easier said then done.....and to echo all the PP, YOU are the adult so if you decide you are all walking to the park then you go. Supermarkets all see very cheap own brand anti-histmine.

[ApproachingATunnel]

Thank you again. Just an interesting point, ds usually gets 4 fish fingers (and then nicks another 1 or 2 if im alone and need to atrend to baby despite being told no more food. Sigh). Thats definitely too much then.

Points i will be implementing...

1. No devices until after we've been outside
   
2. Reduce portion sizes
   
3. Make a list of foods he can have - that's for dh
   
4. Give him a drink half an hour before dinner to make him fuller. We dont drink juice/ fizzy drinks here unless on special occassion and he usually is happy to have water (luckily).
   

Also, 3 days a week when i pick him up from school we buy a small chocolate/ smallest bag of crisps on the way home (still some ~130 calories) - i should probably stop doing that too...

Tbh, i think that getting dh to comply with the plan will be more difficult than ds... Another sigh...

[canyou]

We go to the shop on a friday after school for a freddo bar and a multi pack of crisps (cheaper then buying induvidual bags each) and we have a movie night.
you need to deal with taking food from anothers plate it is a no no here. If the eat all on their own plate then they can havd more but no before hand. Your DP really needs to step up and support you, you are doing great but you both need to be on the same page

[Squashybanana]

My almost 6 year old DD gets 2 fish fingers. Her 9 year old brother gets 3. 14 year old DS (5 ft 8) has 5. I read that a protein portion should be approx palm sized (of the person eating it) not sure if anyone else can be more accurate. Also my kids can't Nick extra fish fingers as I count out and cook the exact portions. If they are still hungry they get carrot sticks and hummus, fruit, yoghurt or bread and butter. They have free access to fruit and a box of starchy stuff each week (rice cakes, bread sticks, plain biscuits) but once that is gone it's gone till I next go shopping.

[GasLightShining]

My 17 year old son eats 4 fish fingers. When he was 6 I would serve only 2.

When my DC were younger I could control what food they were eating but DH would often sabotage that. Same policy as Splashy here - when it's gone it's gone although they just go out and but it themselves now!

[ApproachingATunnel]

Oh dear. I dont know how i came to conclusion 4 fish fingers was the right amount. He will so kick off over 2...

I have also been wondering if he's been getting way too much food at lunchtime at school... He gets school dinners. He is also sweet and chatty and i wouldnt be surprised to find out he gets extra food from lunchtime ladies... But i dont really want to go into school with this as nobody ever said anything about his weight and i dont want to draw attention to this. I guess it might help if i start doing packed lunches? Although the range of fruit/veg he eats is quite limited, it's carrots, apple, pear, occassional grape. Broccolli. He loves popatoes but that's carbs so of course he does. Just as he loves bread in any shape and form. Perhaps i need to be creative at serving other veg... Just how?