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How do I be a mum?

(17 Posts)
UselessMammaa Tue 05-Apr-16 23:45:11

I'm always reading conflicting advice to the point where I'm confused as to what the hell to do.
I feel completely useless.Dc is 1.
Please help me with how to parent properly..
What should I be teaching my baby?
What should I be doing day to day with her?
What's the right way of parenting eg what should I make sure I don't do?
What should I praise/not praise?
And any other help.
I know people may think I'm being ridiculas but I'm really not I'm genuinely struggling what to do or how to do it
Thanks

Madratlady Tue 05-Apr-16 23:56:55

What feels right to you? That's a good starting point. There is no one right way.

You don't need to teach' babies as such. Just plenty of attention and interaction- singing songs, chatting, peekaboo, read stories, let her watch you do stuff and 'join in' if she wants, like my oldest likes to have a clothebao he can pretend to do dusting when I do.

Go to baby groups if you want, but if you don't want to that's fine too. Babies just like to be with their mum and see what's going on.

I praise lots, , again when it feels like the right thing to do. Today things have included sharing toys, doing a jigsaw all by himself, remembering to say please.

There is so much conflicting advice around, try and find the way that suits you and your baby rather than what someone else tells you.

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Tue 05-Apr-16 23:58:13

My advice would be do less reading. All the books, websites, blogs etc contradict each other and they don't know your child like you do. Take a look at them if you want, but know that they're not always right, or at least they're not always right for you and your child. I think the fact that you're concerned about how you're parenting and giving it so much thought is a big clue that you're actually a great parent.

Trying not to contradict my own advice, I think the most important thing you can do with her at this stage is enjoy your time with her, chat, sing, play, whatever, just be yourself with her.

I don't think you're being ridiculous either - this is stressful shit. The biggest responsibility ever. But you know her better than anyone, so you'll know best what she likes to do best, what she responds to best. Good luck, you sound like you're doing a great job but you need to give yourself credit for it. star

UselessMammaa Wed 06-Apr-16 00:12:48

mad I'm kind of just 'winging' it so to speak... Then I see comments on here or other places and think shit I should/ shouldn't be doing that..
Then all these different types of parents helicopter parents and stuff i so desperately want my dc to have a good start in life I panic that I'm going to damage her by Doig something wrong .
I know how silly I sound .
wellies Thankyou so much for that it's very kind of you to say those things.
Like I said me and dh are kind of just winging it and hoping for the best confused.
We do our absolute best but sometimes I think shit were not doing (struggling to think of example ahhhh) x y z.
Or shit I've just shouted no and not explained what it is dc has done for me to say no so dc won't understand why I've said no ect ect

CodyKing Wed 06-Apr-16 00:37:09

I found my children lead the way - so they will teach you how to parent - when you see they are interested in something go with it - they may love play doh for a few weeks - then tire of it - may always love cars - play that -

It's OK to be full on in short bursts but they do need quiet time to chill and process things -

Stop worrying! Babies need to be clean fed and well rested - the rest will fall into place -

The highly pushy parents often have children who really want to escape!

UselessMammaa Wed 06-Apr-16 00:46:43

Thanks Cody
Should a one year old play independently ? I should I be playing reading ect to them all the time

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Wed 06-Apr-16 00:52:27

We are all just winging it grin Me and all my mummy mates are all different in the ways we parent our kids, some lean towards the attachment stuff, some more towards the cry it out stuff. Some are outdoorsy, some just totally aren't. But none of us are any better than the others, we're just different and so are our kids. I saw a video on the types of mums you meet on FB tonight, it was a jokey thing but I still felt when I was watching 'oh God, I hope that's not me' - I think we all think that!

DS is 10 months and I'm constantly pestering DH about 'we should be doing this'! 'DO THIS'! So you sound totally like me! This week it's been 'we need to talk to him more'. I don't think the poor child can get a word in to be honest. But I'm always finding things I should be doing, shouldn't have done etc. However we are all surviving. Do you read The Unmumsy Mum blog? (I know I said read less earlier!) She reminds me that we are all winging it and hoping for the best. Things like that keep me sane when I do stupid things.

whattodoforthebest2 Wed 06-Apr-16 00:55:38

Hi Mammaa, one year old's vary so much in what they want to do. Let her play independently if she's happy doing that, or join in if you want to. You'll find that gradually she'll do more things on her own anyway. Don't worry about getting to certain milestones. Just the fact that you're interested in her wellbeing is enough. Having said that, a bedtime story is a lovely way for you both to settle down in the evening and it encourages an interest in books.

CodyKing Wed 06-Apr-16 00:58:09

That and when she's walking she'll bring you books or toys to play -

You can play for ten minutes and then leave her to play - it's nice sometimes just to watch - sit with a cuppa - she'll let you know when she's bored -

Some parents like to be seen to be doing things - I think in reality they just highlight certain aspects -

UselessMammaa Wed 06-Apr-16 01:04:14

wellies I feel as if you are my people !! You've really really helped. My poor dh constantly gets 'we need to talk to her more' 'we should be doing counting things with her' we need to do crafty things' and 'don't tell her no so much' ect ....
Yes I read it and I love it it's mainly on here I see posts or comments to other users and I'm like fuck I need to get my shit together!!...
And I think the issue maybe I don't have an awful lot of friends and baby groups aren't my thing so I can't compare to anyone
whattodo we love bedtimes stories and do them most nights a few times I've forgotten and felt so guilty a few hours later...she loves playing on her own more than with someone. Then I worry and think poor baby probably playing by herself because she thinks I don't want to play with her !
God there should be a warning of how hard being a mama is!!!

UselessMammaa Wed 06-Apr-16 01:07:19

cody thanks I just feel I'm bring a 'neglectful mum ' when she sits and plays alone but I guess playing alone is ok

momtothree Wed 06-Apr-16 01:24:51

I work in a school and you can tell the difference between children who are independent and those who need constant attention -

You need a balance - and children need to explore on their own -

Atenco Wed 06-Apr-16 04:02:30

It's a very good sign that your baby loves playing on her own, OP.

Ideally you should talk loads to your baby but I was pretty hopeless at that and my dd still learnt how to talk and on time.

What I have learnt from my own dd, who is now a mother, is to avoid saying no to a child under two. So you distract and find all kinds of ways of getting them not to do what you don't want them to do, but try to avoid the word "no". By the time they are two and you give yourself permission to say, you find you just do not say it as much as you would have otherwise.

Sootica Wed 06-Apr-16 04:11:16

1 yr olds are hard work. Do what makes her happy. Teach by example. Don't be too strict. I think it's good to have realistic expectations of what a 1 yr old can and can't do. Eg if you tell them no don't open that kitchen cupboard they will do it again because they are 1and they are not being naughty so distracting is better or securing the cupboard with a lock but they will eventually get older and learn not to open the cupboard door and pull everything out and then you won't need the locks anymore.
Definitely don't worry about her learning enough from you, they learn by just being. Talking to them is good but I find it so boring until the interact back so hardly did it and my kids have all ended up talking just fine. Do what she shows interest in. Playing alone is fine!
Every first time parent is winging it. I would however see parents of other 1 yr olds at groups etc and know when I didn't like a parenting style.

VegasIsBest Wed 06-Apr-16 04:30:17

All parents are winging it. Make sure you enjoy her while she's a baby - lots of cuddles. She'll be a teenager before you know it!!

UselessMammaa Wed 06-Apr-16 08:56:46

Thanks everyone

WelliesTheyAreWonderful Wed 06-Apr-16 11:36:42

Mum friends are sometimes great but sometimes they just make you think 'I'm doing it all wrong, her child is so much more smiley/more advanced/better at eating', so I wouldn't bother if it's not your thing. You sound like a lovely, great mum so I bet she's doing great.

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