Not sure how to cope with my 12 year old

[havealittlepatience]

I'm really struggling with DS3 who is 12. I've name changed because I'm so embarrassed that I'm struggling.

He can be defiant, rude and loses his temper easily but can also be sweet and loving. He as DS2 (16) fight all the time and are rude to each other and wind each other up.

People used to comment on how well behaved the boys were but now over the last couple of days a number of people have mentioned how badly behaved DS3 is being.

I'm not sure whether his behaviour has deteriorated over time or when it started to get really bad but I'm struggling to remain calm.

Yesterday I lost my patience and old them both I could not cope with their fighting and told DS3 that I loved him but his behaviour was making me miserable and spoiling my life. I'm sure hormones are not helping the situation but it's more than that. He is a very anxious child and over the last few years we have had problems at home which I don't know if I've used as an excuse for his poor behaviour and let it get out of hand or if it has actually contributed. I now feel like the worst mum in the world as we have not parented him effectively, I've tried my best but have spent a lot of time working over the last few years as DH was out of work and I kept us afloat.

Apologies for the mega post but if anyone has any tips on how I can handle him better or we can work together to improve his behaviour or my parenting it would be much appreciated.

[sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Other than the bickering with his brother - what else is he doing?

Rude a cheeky to you? Then say no to the next 3 things he asks for - rude when asking for something - say No

Demanding something - again it's a no -

He will soon realise that he gets treated the way he treats people and life doesn't work in his favour if he's rude

[SpaceDinosaur]

You say "problems" but without any idea what these are its hard to work out if the issues are related.
Problems can be anything from struggling to pay the bills to a divorce, moving to another area, deaths in the family, fighting... The list is endless.

Have you also spoken with your 16yr old about how he interacts with his brother or just your 12yr old?

[havealittlepatience]

Not rude hen asking for things but in the way he speaks to me. It's not all the time, he can speak lovingly too. He gave me a hug last night and told me he loved me but yesterday morning he hated me and "I wish I could kill myself". Yesterday morning we were at a practice for a hobby they both do and amongst other hinge he hit out at DS2 for no reason and then they spent 5 minutes trading insults. He lost his temper and threw a shoe at his brother. I had a chat with him yesterday afternoon when we had both calmed down and explained I found his behaviour upsetting and that this hobby seems to be a trigger point for his bad behaviour so I'm thinking that maybe he should stop going until he can show me he can behave.

He does lose Xbox or iPad time if he is naughty and I won't give in if he is rude but nothing seems to change. Maybe I just need to carry on with consistent punishments and hope it improves?

[havealittlepatience]

Sorry cross post space dinosaur. In the last 2/3 years we have had serious ill health (me) unemployment (DH) serious financial worries and the sudden death of his grandmother in her sixties. He has also been diagnosed with dyslexia and had anxiety problems/low self esteem which required intervention as he was school refusing and talking about wanting to die.

A lady worked with him at school for a couple of months and it really seemed to help. She also met with me weekly and seemed to think I was doing a good job/parenting well. This was 3 years ago and I'm not sure she'd say the same thing now!