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Detaching from older children after baby's birth :(

(26 Posts)
BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:03:28

It's so hard, and I feel so guilty. I'm not THE most maternal person anyway but a combination of a four week old baby, a husband who works away or is knackered when he's home, no family that I'm in contact with and the Easter holidays have turned me into a bitchy, snappy control freak.

I just want to cry but can't because I've done my make up. I'm a shit mum atm.

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:04:26

The older three are 7, 4 and 4. One boy with autism and two girls who play together but also argue a lot!

fusspot66 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:09:09

I think it's normal. I alternated between forgetting I had my 3yo DD to being irrationally anxious that she would drown in the paddling pool while DH wasn't looking.
Do you have friends or neighbours who could take the older ones out for an hour here and there? You have a lot on your plate. flowers
Oh and you're not a shit mum !

steppemum Mon 04-Apr-16 10:17:33

you are not a shit mum!

You are coping with little help with 4 kids, one who has SN and one who is a newborn!

Be nice to yourself, it is ok to have a lax easter holiday, the older ones will get over you being snappy.

Very impressed you are up dressed and have make up on!

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:21:14

Thanks fusspot
They do have playdates here and there, and next week they will be back to school and nursery. I also have a "mother's help" for 4 hours a week (sounds posh but she's sort of a family friend). Tbh though she's really irritating me confused

MollyRedskirts Mon 04-Apr-16 10:25:06

It's normal. I did it too, with my eldest who also has autism. He was just far too much effort and I didn't have the brain space for him.

Trust me, when the newborn days are past, the attachment to the elder children does come back. I honestly think it's a survival mechanism. Our brains are telling us we need to focus on the most vulnerable child.

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:27:06

Haha steppe I had to put make up on, we are leaving the house today!

The 4 year old in particular is seriously winding me up. I keep telling her to get out the room or go away or shut up, think I've just given up on being nice. Maybe I equate being nice with being weak? I don't know.

I do know that my mum was awful (which is why I don't speak to her) but it also makes me think if I can go NC with her what's to stop my children doing that with me when they're older? sad

I've taken them out quite a lot this holiday though. Need to make plans for this week.

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:29:40

Thanks molly. I do seem to be very overprotective of the newborn. Maybe it's because of the terrible pregnancy (she was supposed to have a lot of problems but was actually fine). Also I don't like it when I'm feeding her and the older two try to stroke her hair... just find it awkward (I'm breastfeeding)

LittleNelle Mon 04-Apr-16 10:31:37

It's understandable to be irritable and snappy, but you really need to get a handle on speaking to your 4 year old like that. What's she doing to wind you up? When you feel like being nasty to her could you defuse it with a joke or a cuddle?

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:33:59

Just everything, Little, I know it's wrong. Just the way she looks at me sometimes or keeps going on about food or when she's rude or whiney.

Philoslothy Mon 04-Apr-16 10:34:48

The 4 year old in particular is seriously winding me up. I keep telling her to get out the room or go away or shut up, think I've just given up on being nice. Maybe I equate being nice with being weak? I don't know. *

Having a newborn is tough and I want to br supportive but it is wrong to talk to any child like this. Your four year old will be feeling insecure which will make her resort to attention seeking behaviour.

When I have a newborn I try to schedule time each day for your other children. Sometimes I killed two birds with one stone and got them to help me cook. By giving them an hour of time they will give you space

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:34:52

I'm rubbish at cuddling. Really shit at it once they get older. Trust me I hate myself for it!

LittleNelle Mon 04-Apr-16 10:36:57

Gosh, poor little thing. Suddenly not being the baby anymore comes as such a shock to them.

If you are aware you're doing it, could you consciously act differently - even if you're 'faking it', give her a kiss and a cuddle or offer to read her a story while you're breastfeeding.

As for food - could you put the fruit bowl somewhere accessible so they can help themselves?

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:38:07

Phil if I wasn't such a control freak the cooking thing would be a good idea. I don't actually want to spend time with them most days, that's the issue as I said in the thread title. Although I did stay in the eldest child's room for ages the other night helping with Lego, that's unheard of for me, more of a dad thing!

LittleNelle Mon 04-Apr-16 10:38:16

Even if you're rubbish at it, you can still do it. Little children need love and affection. Even if you feel it's forced or fake, still cuddle her.

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:41:51

Will she know if I'm faking it? I wouldn't want her to know that. She loves books so that could work, if I can pull myself together ffs.

The fruit bowl is accessible
It's more her obsession with food that annoys us i.e. constantly asking what's for lunch, what's for tea, when is tea, can we go out for lunch, can we have a picnic etc etc. Ironically I think exactly the same as her re food, I think about it all the time so not sure why I get so frustrated with her

Philoslothy Mon 04-Apr-16 10:43:24

Children don't care what you are thinking, they care about what you do and say. If the affection feels fake don't give up

fusspot66 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:43:33

Write down the 4 'meals' you expect to have and get her to draw pictures of them?

LittleNelle Mon 04-Apr-16 10:43:41

Young children crave affection and physical contact, so I reckon a slightly awkward hug from mum is better than being kept at arm's length and told to go away.

fusspot66 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:44:56

Indoor picnics are good when you're stuck . Kids find them oddly exciting.

Philoslothy Mon 04-Apr-16 10:45:46

I second the indoor picnic.

BeautifulLiar Mon 04-Apr-16 10:58:22

Phil good point, I didn't think of it like that

Little I know, and I have no excuse as I used to be that 4 yo who was constantly pushed away. My mum never kissed or cuddled me, ever.

fusspot DD loves art, but what do you mean exactly?

DH suggested indoor picnics actually! I forgot about that. Maybe not after the cleaner has cleaned though...!!

fusspot66 Mon 04-Apr-16 12:24:44

Oh sorry. Wandered off. I'm assuming a 4 yr old would recognise a word like toast or roll apple etc so do an A4 sheet for breakfast and ask her to do a picture of each item next to it. Another A4 for lunch, An A4 for snack, An A4 for tea. And there you have it. 20 minutes preparation for you, 5 minutes activity for the kid. Dontcha just love being a yummy mummy.

fusspot66 Wed 06-Apr-16 20:24:03

I hope you've had a better day today BeautifulLiar

BeautifulLiar Thu 07-Apr-16 07:41:55

Thank you, fusspot. Things have been much better since I posted. We have went to a play park with animals and had a picnic (in the rain!) and on Monday/Tuesday night while DH was away I spent hours with the DC at bedtime, reading, chatting, playing hairdressers, building Lego...

Of course I've had to tell them off sometimes, and I've raised my voice, but no more personal attacks!!

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