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Help! How do I deal with possessive family?

(2 Posts)
Sades1986 Wed 30-Mar-16 17:41:31

Right, I'll try keep this short. But basically I feel very overwhelmed by other half family.

My DD is the first grandchild on their side. OH has one sister who has tried for a baby for nearly 10 years and has had 1 miscarriage. So after the insane jealousy and severe depression that she sunk into whilst I was pregnant and not speaking to either of us for the last 6 months of my pregnancy, she's now obsessed with my DD, who is now 6 months. As is mil.

when she was born SIL showed up uninvited to hospital, we weren't even expecting her but it was s surprise for both of us. and then started saying how she wanted to steal my DD and asking me to save her a shitty nappy for her to change....kept saying how she can't wait to take her out in her pram and feed her etc. She was hyper as hell about the whole thing and it was really, really odd. She completely changed her tune when she was born and the depression, well it disappeared hmm. She speaks to her mum daily and during the first few weeks mil would tell her that SIL has been calling HER twice a day to see what WE were doing with OUR baby, wanting to know all the details. Wtf?!

At Christmas I wanted to go and buy her a cute Christmas dress, but SIL called it in October and bought one she liked.

She's already started talking about what she's buying her for her birthday. Texting us already with stuff she's buying. She's getting the biggest and best presents a 1 year old could wish for, she goes very overboard at Christmases and stuff so I know what I'm in for now. But why call it on presents at this stage? Shouldn't she be letting us go and buy some closer to the time?

She's kitted mil out with toys for her house as she will be looking after DD for a day a week when I go back to work. Posting every toy on Facebook to say what she's bought for 'grandmas house'. Now mil has decorated a room for my DD and has EVERYTHING there that we do here.

Mil calls her 'my baby' 'you're my baby you are, all grandmas'. So possessive I feel!!!

Now she keeps tagging us on Facebook of pictures of birthday outfits and Christmas clothes already. They try to do everything before me, I don't get a chance.

In laws are talking about what Wendy houses they're getting for outside and what paddling pools. They already have bikes and stuff.

There's so much more that they do but I did try and keep it short but that's gone out the window.

We have a holiday with them soon for 10 days. It was booked my mil and she paid for the whole thing so it's free, but I never wanted to go. But all I got is well it's free so what's te problem. They are so overwhelming. So on holiday. Doubt very nigh I will get to spend much time with my own child. She isn't clingy yet and I doubt she will be, she'll happily go to anyone so I won't get a look in.

strawberrybubblegum Wed 30-Mar-16 19:58:51

Ah, it's tough. There are definitely things you want to enjoy yourself with your first child, but your daughter is an important new addition to the wider family too.

You have ultimate control, but also you have gained so much in having your lovely daughter. I think you need to try to have compassion towards your SIL and be generous. Involuntary childlessness is really tough, and it could very easily have gone the other way, with her cutting off contact with you completely. She and your daughter will both benefit from having a loving relationship.

I think you do need to set some boundaries, and tell them about which things it's important to you that you should buy. If they override your wishes, then just buy it anyway and use your own. Like I said, it's you who has control! With Christmas outfits, could you use their outfit for part of the day, or on boxing day?

I think that because babies are such blank slates, people can project their hopes onto them too easily. But believe me, in a few years time that will no longer be the case. Your daughter is yours, and you are her parents. Neither she nor anyone else will be in any doubt about that. But if you have managed the balancing act and she also has a strong relationship with her wider family, then you will all gain from that.

My ILs are a big clan, with lots of aunts, uncles and much older cousins. DD (3) was the first new baby for 15 years, and has been doted on by all since birth. When I visit my ILs, I barely see her all weekend. In fact, she tells me to go away because she is having too much fun! Which is absolutely great grin I get a wonderfully restful time, and she has an amazing time with family who adore her. I consider us both very, very lucky.

Sometimes towards the end of the weekend she starts missing mummy, and seeks me out. Either way, all is back to normal as soon as we get home. I never doubt for a second that I hold a unique place in her loyal, loving little heart.

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