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Bad Mother

(11 Posts)
BarleysFiddle Wed 30-Mar-16 11:23:34

I don't really know how to explain this. I feel like I am a really bad mother.

DD is 3y9mo. Most of the time, she is fabulous, chatty and full of her fun. I'm ok when that's going on.

She's really incredibly stubborn. Mornings are a nightmare, no matter how early I get up or how organised I am. I don't mind her having opinions on what she wants to wear but I can't take the whining when whatever she wants to wear is in the wash. We went through all the available dresses this morning before I literally forced her into a t-shirt and leggings in order to get out the door in time. She also refused to wear shoes so I stuck them in her little backpack - which caused another screaming fit. I lost it at this stage - it's not like this hasn't been the routine since the day she started at the crèche. Then (obviously), she was very upset and wouldn't let go of me when I was dropping her at the crèche, which is literally 500 metres from the house.

I'm not proud of how I handled this morning. I am just so exhausted from being the only one she wants to go to - she almost never voluntarily goes to H, even though he's way more patient with her than I am. She has (again) taken to coming into our bed during the night meaning nobody gets any sleep. H hasn't the sense to go to the spare room and if I go she will just follow me. If I get into the shower, she stands outside whinging until I get out.

What do I do now. I've looked into parenting classes locally but either they're on when I'm at work, or they deal with different stages of childhood. The next one that looks like it might be right starts in June so I'm going to sign up to that. I've downloaded How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk and will re-start reading that in the vague hopes that it helps.

What else can I do? I can basically leave H out of it as I may be pissing up a downpipe as asking him for help. I am so frustrated and angry with myself and I wound up crying this morning after I dropped her off. I'm going to wind up scarring her for life if this continues. Please help.

winchester1 Wed 30-Mar-16 11:33:59

Id offer less choice so this or this to wear and if poss decided the night before.
And a reward chart for well - everything else - getting ready on time/brushing teeth etc without whining or moaning. Maybe start with daily rewards for 5 stars with an ability to earn 6, so she has room for a mistake. Then work up to weekly, all the stars, bigger tasks etc.
Tbh I just tell mine no whining as it drives me potty and whining gets no reaction or action other than that. If they want something the need to ask.
The bed swapping, I'd decide with your OH either its ok and you agree he always goes to the spare room or its not ok and get it on the star chart with a glo clock so she knows when she can cone in to you for a bed cuddle in the mornings.

Is there anything else going on like a baby in the way, new nursery , longer hrs etc that is adding to the problems?

BarleysFiddle Wed 30-Mar-16 12:07:25

There have been no changes recently, no. No new babies (ever again - I'm not putting myself through this twice).

winchester1 Wed 30-Mar-16 12:09:13

I'd go with less choice and star chart defiantly then. She is old enough to get that actions have consequences and to.understand simple rules.

winchester1 Wed 30-Mar-16 12:10:25

Oh you're not a bad mum btw. Kids are just like this, pushing boundaries etc. Its hard to.judge what freedoms they can handle and what rules they need sometimes.

BarleysFiddle Wed 30-Mar-16 12:11:18

I really felt this morning that a return to 70s/80s style Irish Mammy was required. (That might just have been my mother though in all fairness.)

wheresthel1ght Wed 30-Mar-16 12:34:08

My 2.5 yo dd is EXACTLY the same! We are potty training and one minute she is begging for knickers and then when you get them out she has the biggest meltdown because she wants a different pair or she wants a nappy on.

I love that she is so independent and isn't a push over but when we are rushing to get ready in the morning.

As the pp says I find limiting her to 2-3 choices helps. I try not to lose my cool but she still doesn't sleep well and then I am sleep deprived so do occasionally more often than I would like lose my cool.

I have found firmly and sternly giving her an "I am counting to 3" and then counting slowly but sternly has worked wonders. She knows now that failure to cooperate results in the naughty step or an occasional tap on her hand if she is being very naughty. She mostly now does what I ask by 2 and by 1 is getting slowly more common.

Good luck and remember you are hot a bad mummy!!

kiki22 Wed 30-Mar-16 15:13:34

Your not a bad mum at all. Do you go over how your morning is going to go? I find children need what's going to happen and the rules for doing it explained to them before th event. So in the morning I say to ds you can watch tv when you get your breakfast, then I need you to get dressed (I come back to prompt him) after that you can do what you want until I come to get you for teeth and shoes, then we can take your scooter to nursery if you've been good. This way he knows exactly what is going to happen and how I want things to go. He still needs prompting and some reminders to behave or the consequence is xyz but in general he goes along with what I have said.

Always follow through with the consequence and never get into an agruement about it, if you have already explained things once you should not need to again.

ImogenTubbs Wed 30-Mar-16 21:49:43

You are not a bad mum! DD can be a right little threenager. I've found that repeating myself a lot about what is going to happen and what I expect from her does seem to help. She doesn't always do it, but when I then threaten a consequence if she doesn't do as I ask, she somehow seems to take it on board more easily than if I just spring it on her. I also tell her several times what I expect and then say, 'I'm going to count to three and I want you to do [x] or [y] will happen (take toy away, or other suitable simple consequence).

Every kid is different so may not work for you, but I notice a big difference when DD is not surprised by things. Her biggest meltdowns are when we just try to make something happen without notice or explanations.

Getyercoat Wed 30-Mar-16 21:54:10

You're not a bad mum! They can be bloody hard work, especially at that age.

JolieMadame Wed 30-Mar-16 21:56:17

I've got one of these. Dump at nursery and thank fuck I work full time.

No one is doing any better than you. That's just what it's like sometimes....

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