Hi There, single dad here in desperate need of help. My 12 year old DD, who has previously had a boyfriend, has suddenly announced that she is pansexual and in love with a 15 year old girl who dresses as a boy, calls herself a boy and describes herself as transgender and planning to have a female to male sex change as soon as she is old enough ! I've tried discussing this with DD, warning her of the problems she will create for herself at school and in life etc if she goes down this route, but I just can't get through to her.
I couldn't help but feel that she is being manipulated by the older girl taking advantage of a confused tween, and then I found out that she is hanging around with four other girls who call themselves pansexual and one lesbian who are all two to three years older than her. They claim that they only mean a pansexual relationship which is closer than friends, but doesn't include sex. When I probed further, my DD said that she had the same feelings for the transgender girl that she had for her old boyfriend, and that she may want to kiss her.What can I do ? Should I ban her from hanging around with this crowd to give her time and space to make up her own mind about what her sexuality is without peer pressure from these existing friends. Is this sort of thing common with tweens? Has anyone else been in a similar position and dealt with it successfully. Please help me because I feel I'm losing my daughter who is all I have in the world.
To me there is a huge difference between a 12yo and a 15yo, that would be the issue I'd tackle and let the rest take care of itself.
A 15yo is possibly looking at a full sexual relationship. A 12yo is barely starting puberty. I'd make it very clear to your DD that you wouldn't be allowing her on dates with someone that old for her own safety, and ignore the fact it's a transgender girl right now, because either a) your daughter will genuinely want to date a transgender girl in later life which IMO is fine as an adult who knows their own mind, and you don't want her to hide this side of herself from you, or b) it's part of growing up and won't last, again totally normal, or c) it's just to shock you, so best not to rise to it.
I agree with the pp - you need to focus on your DD's age, not on her preferences. Emotionally speaking the age gap between a 12yo and a 15yo is pretty damn big and so this is not a relationship that's appropriate - but you can't ban it without making things worse. Focus on the safety aspect of it.
FWIW I have 2 DDs - they are 13 and 15. My older DD is asexual, my younger is bi and is in a platonic but loving relationship with a girl the same age. This is fine. I would not be happy for her to have a relationship with someone 3 years older.
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