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Always bloody crying or whinging

(23 Posts)
Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:41:40

DS is 17 months (I know still very young). He was (I think) a difficult baby, and from 3 weeks old was 'awake'. We didn't have those joyous months (or even weeks really!) of newborn sleep, it was just, bam, awake, screaming, all day.

He was tired of course, which I realised after a while if desperately googling. This began MONTHS of trying to get him to nap, spending literally hours a day achieving this, unable to leave the house etc.

It wasn't all bad of course, but it was a tough, tough slog.

I think, because it started so young, I really struggled to bond with him, he was just (as dreadful as it sounds), hard to love, as he just screamed all day and the was awake numerous times a night for feeds.

Anyway, all of this is leading to the fact that I really, still, find it extremely difficult to listen to him crying (in the sense that it pisses me off), and he can have whole weeks of just being a chronic pain in the bum. Screaming from he wakes up. And then often for the majority of the day.

I just get so annoyed I can't think straight. He has (and always has had) a huge, guttural cry that just makes me want to punch myself repeatedly in the face.

Comforting him gets nowhere, he just gets in a tizzy and won't snap out of it.

I can't go on like this. I'm with him all day everyday and I'm 5.5 months pregnant with another one. I cannot actually bear the thought of having another one like him, I won't cope. It's hard enough with him most days.

We go out to groups every day, we play etc, there are no medical issues. Verbally, he's not great, although he has about 10-15 words, but his understanding is excellent so I do appreciate there is a degree of frustration.

I'm just exhausted. We have no fault nearby, and they're, frankly, useless when they do come. DH works very long hours and often doesn't see DS some days.

Out of desperation, he will be starring nursery 2 mornings a week after Easter (thank fuck)

Sorry for the essay, but what do I do?!

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:43:05

Err family not fault...

biddy53 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:49:38

You sound at your wit's end OP - I think you should consider talking to your GP or HV to get some extra support.

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:53:52

Yes you're probably right. I just feel stupid asking etc to do about a crying baby! Duh! That's what they do...! But I don't think everyone's baby does?!

biddy53 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:58:39

I had a difficult baby (she's nearly 20 now --and still has her moments--) but I do think they pick up on your stress and then you're in a vicious circle.

Do you get much support from your DP

DrAmandaBentley Sat 26-Mar-16 10:01:37

I don't have much good advice I'm afraid, other than to reassure you that it will pass! I actually think the nursery is a very good idea and it will definitely help.

My first child was calm and relaxed, second was clingy and cried all the time even my own mother refused to look after him (I also put him into a nursery), and my third (nearly 2 year old), has spent pretty much the last 6-7 months just crying and whinging non stop. NON STOP. Whinging is pretty much her default mood and she's quiet in between. grin

It has at times most days driven me to the brink of insanity, but I think it is often caused by them having feelings and ideas that they are not able to carry out or express fully. I've found in the meantime that short episodes of distraction can help - putting on back to back episodes of her favourite children's programme, allowing her to use the children's YouTube app on the iPad, or taking her to the Children's Centre/Playground etc when I am able to. It will pass I promise you, they do get better over time.

cherrybloom Sat 26-Mar-16 10:02:14

I had 2 happy contented babies...but then the 3rd appeared and she is like your lo..She constantly craves attention whinging and crying since she was born she is also 17 months and it has got a bit easier the last few weeks she seemed to calm down a bit!!it came as a shock after the other 2..She loves water so that calms her down most of the time I just fill a pan of water with a little water and put some toys in!keeps her quiet and busy for awhile..come dinner time tho she is like a banshee most days

Hope it gets better for you soon it's really hard work flowers

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 10:12:38

Thank you so much! I think I just needed to hear there are other pain in the bum babies and it does get better.

To be fair, he is adorable lots of the time (can you tell he has stopped crying??!) and he is a strong willed little so and so (like his wonderful mother...)

Yes my parents and in laws have commented how difficult he is so I know it's not just me!

He did lure me into a false sense of security recently and we had about 2 weeks of glorious baby, he has reverted again recently.

He's exceptionally independent, so I can't even say it's a need for me to be there that causes it. He's just a bloody whinge.

Cooking dinner time is usually Armageddon time, despite my efforts at placating (I'm also a stubborn cow so I just let him at it after a while).

DH is great, but there's such a limited amount he can do really.

Thank you again! I suppose I should be thankful I had him first and never experienced the bliss of a contented baby so cherry I feel for you!

cherrybloom Sat 26-Mar-16 10:33:16

That's where I think she gets frustrated the most like your lo she is so independent she just wants to run out the door and be free to do what she wants..She watches her older siblings being able to go outside and make there own food sometimes she hurts wants to be like them

Believe me I feel sorry for me too..was a shock to the system when she arrived smile

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 10:46:26

We have the same baby! Can you imagine them together... It would be bedlam!

KittyCatKittyCat Sat 26-Mar-16 11:04:39

Another one here with demon baby followed by saintly baby. I didn't realise how hard work she was until the second one came along, and all of those unhelpful comments from other parents made sense, because they obviously had easy babies and couldn't comprehend a non stop whinger. She's nearly 2 and still a big PITA, I really try to never show my frustration and I'm glad you said it makes it harder to love them, I'm guilty of feeling that too and it's not her fault at all. She's just very high maintenance! She's starting nursery soon too, I fond I'm much better with her when I've had some space from her non-stop-ness. She's healthy now, did have colic and reflux (again, I thought it was normal until second non vomiting baby showed me how much of a vomiter she was), but you're right in that those first difficult months colour your feelings beyond the time it occurred in.

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 11:08:48

Thanks Kitty it's a horrible thing to admit because he is lovely. Just with all the turmoil of a newborn I think I'd have coped better if he'd been 'easier'.

I struggle to fill our days too. What do you do with your DD?

Casper27 Sat 26-Mar-16 11:21:32

I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes when ds is having a particular bad day I just lose my s**t, and have to walk away. I always feels terrible afterwards but he presses all my buttons and my patience runs out. I honestly feel I could self combust.
What works for us is getting out the house. Trolley whiz round tesco, a walk in the fresh air somewhere local -I just bung him in the backpack, local soft play place, and mum toddler groups too. If nothing else it lifts my mood and we get away from the monotonous whinging and hanging off my leg at home. It's exhausting. So pleased it's not just me!

KittyCatKittyCat Sat 26-Mar-16 11:24:09

She's very physical so anywhere she can run us a winner, even if it's along a placement round the block (23m now and fairly reliable at not needing carrying). Soft play, playgrounds, parks. Inside, the lounge is babyproofed for her to run all over the sofas etc, which is GREAT on rainy days. She gets a lot from messy play (paint, dough) and would love to play with water when I give her the chance to. Messy stuff is tricker with DC2 in tow but it can work some days. She is so funny and lovely, and my favourite thing she says is 'dank mummy' and 'coggle' (thank you, cuddle) so I try to hold on to those tiny miniscule moments amidst the madness.

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 11:38:59

See I do all (ok except messy play, I just can't be arsed with the hassle, but I am awaiting delivery of an oilcloth tablecloth so we can try some sort of mess soon...) of these things already! I suppose it's the fact that they only last a short period of time (groups are 2 hours etc) we then have a whole afternoon to fill. I'm exhausted constantly running around trying to find new things to do to appease him (and take my mind off throttling myself!).

He's been walking for 6 months now, but is supremely lazy, so we have a paddy about 5 minutes after going out for a 'lovely' walk, as he wants to be carried.

I'm so, so, so glad to hear from others though! It has cheered me up (even though I've just cried for15 mins)

KittyCatKittyCat Sat 26-Mar-16 14:49:25

It's a relief to hear some kids are more tricky, and hard work. I like to think she'll be a ruthless and successful adult in some career I'd never be good at myself one day! Like you we do those things, plus a lot of Peppa Pig, twirlywoos etc. There are times I have to clean up, so she 'helps' fairly well (use method cleaners, non toxic so she can wipe cupboard doors randomly). There are times too where she just has to sort herself out as I'm with DC2 or have just invested a lot of attention on her, she does get whingey then and she just has to get on with it for a bit. She can get very physical with climbing, pushing, pulling and hitting and I HATE those times, she's nervous about getting my attention and it comes out wrong,I get grumpy and want to play with her less as she's being so rough. It is quickly a vicious circle but I hope she'll (and I'll) grow out of it. When she's lovely it's amazing, but today she just cried for 30m after her nap for no discernable reason! Eventually she came round but it was a fuss for no reason. Agghhhh, one day she'll be a successful career type! And we can enjoy nice lunches together... I hold on to that!

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 14:59:19

Sounds exactly like DS! He's very physical too, hitting deliberately, head butting etc. What I have noticed though is he hates seeing me crying and when I do, he comes and cuddles me! And he gives lovely kisses.

I agree with you Kitty, there is a large element of my reaction too. I try, then get pissed off and flip which is completely counterproductive.

Are there seriously people who keep cool all the time in the face of this?!

KittyCatKittyCat Sat 26-Mar-16 15:16:16

Gosh I don't know how they do it if so, dugs? I worry because my father was very angry at the slightest thing, and I've noticed my lack of patience when I feel slighted/irritated by someone so I try incredibly hard to add in extra patience on purpose for my DD. Ive read 123 magic which actually has helped me deal with her, and it promotes no emotion and no talking when sealing with obnoxious behaviour from kids, so whilst it doesn't feel great I know I can ignore ignore ignore, and try not to react verbally, and send her to time out (behind a baby gate for 1min, any gate I'm nearest) after counting to 3 (that's 1 that's 2 are the only things you do say when they're being naughty and you want them to stop). My greatest fear is she's going to be like this forever! And the book does have strategies for older kids. I would recommend it. I slip out of it sometimes but remember the book and implement it again and there has been some improvement (it's for 2yrs-12yrs, so I didn't expect her to understand it excellently). She has a few times, stopped being naughty before I've got to 3! Which is something.

KittyCatKittyCat Sat 26-Mar-16 15:17:31

Ignore typos, sorry, on phone!

Luckystar1 Sat 26-Mar-16 15:55:29

Ah ha, yes! My parents are both 'reactors' and I try so hard not to be, but I admit that I am perhaps more volatile than placid in nature...

I have just bought 2 books, I'll see if I can download yours too.

I guess in addition to having headstrong little angels, it's actually almost a need for someone to tell us what to do about it! Coping strategies and just day to day 'dealing' with it!

My lovely DH has taken DS all afternoon to let me try and relax, so I'm feeling slightly better.

Allnamesaretakenffs Sun 27-Mar-16 13:57:12

Oh wow, you sound EXACTLY like me!!! And my DS (he's now almost 3). No family to help nearby, zero friends, husband abroad a lot...sometimes, I would literally scream into the corner of the room whilst I ugly cried. Nothing pleased the kid, everything seemed to piss him off, every second of every day of every fucking month of his life. Toddler groups were too cramped for his energy levels, he was too strong for other children, too screamy, to oloud etc. Loved parks, but hated the getting there part. Never wanted to be left alone (from 4am when he'd wake for the day all the way up until 7pm), and always with the screaming tantrums. He made me so depressed. It only started to help when I put him into nursery for minimum hours once he hit two, and once he started to communicate a bit more his frustrations levels dipped. No body will understand the utter stress such constant frustrated screaming places on a person's psyche, especially when they have NO ONE to help break up the day. It's a work in progress for me, to keep coping with my anger around him, as sometiems I'd be so sleep deprived I would scream back at him whilst looking down at myself thinking "what are you saying??!", if that makes sense, so the whole "count to 10" advice just couldn't even have time to kick in! But I keep trying, and it does get easier as they get older. Consistent discipline helps, not putting him in stressful/boring situations, trying to rotate activites as much as possible. But generally, being outside is his saving grace. I bought him a rain suit from ebay and just put him out in that, give him rocks to paint outside, soapy water and a sponge to wash the windows (he loves that), basically anything I can think of outdoorsy-wise that'll keep him occupied.

Luckystar1 Sun 27-Mar-16 20:42:12

Thank you! That is an excellent idea for washing windows he'd love that!!

I admit (much to my embarrassment) that I have screamed at him before, and I hate myself for it, because I'm not that type of parent (I fundamentally believe in a very ecological type of parenting, but that goes out the window sometimes!!!)

It's just so nice to hear that I'm not alone. That there are more than one of 'us' in this and that the world isn't full of the smug mothers with perfect children that I seem to encounter frequently (usually when DS is pushing them at a playgroup...)

CityDweller Sun 27-Mar-16 22:41:31

Another one who's always struggled with a 'challenging' child. DD is 3 now, but was demanding and 'high needs' as a baby (wouldn't be put down, struggled with naps, etc) and is still so. But we don't even have the option of channeling her into blowing off steam outside - she doesn't really want to do anything other than watch TV/iPad or have books read to her. Tried to get her to go on a walk today and she got 50 feet down the road before melting down and refusing to move. She demands to be carried everywhere (by DH, I can't carry her anymore - too heavy) and melts down if he says no. Refuses to scoot or bike. Whines a lot. Totally contrary (we say up, she'll say down). Increasingly picky eater. Just started withholding poo, so now constipated and hardly eating anything at all. This makes her mood even worse. Point blank refuses to eat or drink anything that might help her constipation get better.

It's so wearing. Our lives seem totally geared around doing things to make her happy/ that she'll enjoy (which I know in itself is a problem, but life is just so miserable if you try to make her do something she doesn't want to do). Sigh. I love her to bits (obviously), and I hate thinking of her as 'difficult' (having been labelled as such myself as a child and it took years for me to get over that), but god am I dreading the teenage years already!

wine for us all.

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