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Detached husband and father

(10 Posts)
Moonchild74 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:05:02

I posted before on relationships about being married to a non-committed man. My husband of 5 years rarely comes home and we have a 3 year old son. We have had a troubled marriage with domestic disputes and he has choose to sleep in his office during the week, to save on gas and time working in another city. I don't think he ever got the chance to develop a real bond with his son since he sees him just on weekends or maybe every other weekend. We have no real relationship, but he says he loves DS and shows him affection. But something happened new year's eve that has me so bothered. We celebrated on a hotel rooftop with our DS and I got so drunk on wine and champagne. I had made DH promise not to let me drive if I drank too much. I have on several occasions left DH somewhere or put him out of the car so DS will not hear us argue. Anyway we were arguing by midnight and after several more drinks, I could not even make it downstairs without help. Then we got to the lobby and he left me and DS there to get the car. He was taking forever so I walked 5 minutes with the stroller and found him standing there with the valet and our car. I was so hammered I started yelling at him and told him to leave after he put DS in car seat. Next thing I knew, he had walked off and strangers were screaming at me that I was too drunk to drive my child home and was opening my car doors and dialing 911. Then I panicked, quickly realizing what was happening and called my husband. He immediately came back to the car and drove us home. I know I am to blame for getting wasted and I could not make a responsible decision under the influence. But I trusted my husband not to let me drive drunk with our child. He was sober and I was not. Strangers saved my child's life. Why did he walk away? How could he claim to love his child and endanger his life at the same time? I am very confused. I need answers. A father is supposed to have a protective instinct toward their child. I know he has not been a real part of his life since he was born, but when he does spend time with him, Disney trips, parks, beach, so many memorable moments, how could he not care?

LizKeen Thu 24-Mar-16 09:15:51

It is not up to any one but you to stop you from driving when drunk. Do you have a drinking problem? It sounds like you do.

As for the dysfunctional marriage. It is no life for any of you and it is a poor example to set for a child. I don't think, from what you have said, that your husband is entirely to blame. You aren't putting your child first either.

Moonchild74 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:45:20

I honestly don't have a drinking problem. I had not drank for a while and decided to have a few cause it was New Years Eve and we were celebrating. Then after we started arguing, I was so upset that the year started off that way, I drank some more. This is first time I got drunk in years.

DelphiniumBlue Thu 24-Mar-16 09:51:35

If you don't have a drinking problem, what made you ask your husband earlier not to let you drink and drive? And how could you get so drunk that you could not stand when you had your baby with you?
With all the major issues mentioned in your post, you are worrying about something that might have happened, but didn't?

LizKeen Thu 24-Mar-16 10:00:17

Well drinking yourself into that state in the presence of your 3 year old is a problem in my eyes. Especially as you still attempted to drive.

You then say why did your husband not have a parental instinct but you didn't have one either. Its really unacceptable actually. You had strangers screaming at you, and you are trying to blame the whole situation on your husband. Take responsibility for your own actions.

Muskateersmummy Thu 24-Mar-16 10:07:24

As far as New Year's Eve is concerned. I agree with pp. celebrate, have a glass of bubbles but I wouldn't ever get that drunk if I had my dd with me. You already knew that dh is not responsible enough to look after your child so you have to be the one to be responsible. Yes he should never have left, but why put your trust in him to be responsible when history tells you he isn't ?

The rest, well it's not a marriage. I would be looking at my options. Do you want to be married to this man? For me the life he is offering wouldn't be enough. I would want more for me and my child.

Moonchild74 Fri 25-Mar-16 09:48:00

I take full responsibility for drinking with my ds and I know it would never happen again. But it happened and I trusted his father to protect him. He is emotionally detached, robotic and has no real ideals about family life. He believes working and providing for us makes him a good husband and father. He has not been around that much and I guess I was really stressed at the end of the year being a single parent, not being able to give our child a normal family life. I have been praying for things to change because the man I knew before we got married was more loving and I don't want to deprive our son of what we both had growing up. But dh's divorces and own emotional baggage has made him unresponsive and distant through the years. Still no excuse to drink that much. But it happened and I know if situations were reversed I would physically remove our son from that car before letting dh drive drunk. I just don't understand why he would not do the same. We have an amazing son who really loves his dad. I feel HORRIBLE for what I did, but I would never intentionally risk anything happening to our child. Why would he?

HeadTilt Fri 25-Mar-16 10:05:26

You have an unhappy marriage which needs to end or change. Talk to your husband and come to a decision.

The drink driving scenario is deflection. Your husband could equally be on here saying "I though my wife loved our son but she got so hammered in front of him and she tried to drive with him in the car. She could have killed him. What's wrong with her?"

The person most at fault that night is you. To be honest, getting wasted in front of your child is a real problem, driving or not. I don't (can't) drink, but my DP would never have more than one drunk when our child us around, and none of my friends, female or male, would get wasted with their kids.

Maybe your husband didn't think you'd actually try to drive.

LizKeen Fri 25-Mar-16 10:09:50

Your husband is detached from your DS. You know this. And you still expected him to step up.

He is showing you exactly who he is and exactly how much he is willing to give. If thats not for you (it wouldn't be for me either) then you can't waste time thinking about what he should be, hoping he will suddenly morph into something else.

Its a half life, a half marriage and you and your DS deserve better.

Do you think that subconsciously you were testing your husband?

Crumbles12 Fri 25-Mar-16 10:20:43

In my opinion it is completely irresponsible for either parent to be that drunk with a child present, what kind of example does that set for the child?

And to expect your DH to 'physically remove' your DS to prevent you endangering his life (not forgetting all the other drivers on the road) reflects more on your drinking problems, why on earth would you even be considering driving in that state let alone with a child in the car. Shocking.

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