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Step Parenting Problems

(4 Posts)
Wigger5353 Sat 19-Mar-16 23:27:45

I'm sure there are lots of posts on her regarding step children but ive only just joined.
Im sitting here nearly in tears, I love my man but not his daughter who is 3 1/2.
Ive known her since she was just after her 1st birthday.
Problem is my kids are 12 and 8 and basically self sufficient. I find her very hard work. I work long hours and struggle to find the patience to put up with her at weekends. I know my behaviour changes and when she is here I try to work lots to not be around her.
I think its her age, combined with the fact she looks and sounds like her mother who has given us huge problems without any reason. (she cheated on my partner, anyway)
My partner must know sad problem is an ex of mine was not very nice to my kids as they were not his so ive been on the other end and know its horrible I just cannot help it. I don't kiss or hug her, I kind of ignore her let her dad take care of her.
Inconvenience id rather not have!!! my kids go to there dads every 2 weeks for the weekend but we have her every weekend. Her mother works full time and it pisses me off she never see's her or looks after her properly.
Please don't hate me more than I already do, I want to get past this for her and my sake, im not sure how much longer I can last without being honest with my partner, if I do it will probably game over, and I love him dearly.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 20-Mar-16 08:05:51

Firstly you need to stop insulting her mum. That will only breed more contempt an bitterness. Her working is nothing to do with you. She's supporting her child.
It's fine that you leave Dsd and her dad to spend time together. That's what she's visiting for anyway. For him to take care of her. If that's happening in what way does it inconvenience you?
Have you tried playing a game with her for a short period or reading her a book? Just something each time to get to know her. These things take time. How long have you been with her Dad?

OTheHugeManatee Sun 20-Mar-16 08:12:24

You have to get over your resentment at her resemblance to her mother. Well done for acknowledging it - this is the root of the problem - seeing a constant reminder of your partner's previous relationship.

But the girl will sense it from you soon if she hasn't already and it's incredibly damaging. Look at the 'support for stepchildren' thread and you'll see numerous examples of stepchildren who were pushed out of their father's life by a jealous partner. The heartbreak never ends.

As I said, well done for acknowledging your jealousy and resentment of the little girl. You sound like a kind person who is trying their best to do the right thing. The hard part is getting over that and making space for her in your life. But please try, for the sake of an innocent little girl.

NNalreadyinuse Sun 20-Mar-16 08:23:27

I guess it is hard to go back to the younger stage of child care, when yours are past that stage and it involves looking after a child that isn't yours. The bond we have with our own dc means that we are more willing to go through the hard work that child raising entails. When that bond doesn't exist, all you get is the work.

You are going to have to get over this if you want this relationship to last. You should stop avoiding her and start treating her the way you would want your own dc to be treated. Everytime you feel resentment, imagine how sad you would feel for your own babies if your dp felt that way about them.

Blending families is hard and if you don't have it in you to be kind and caring to someone else's child then you really have no business in dating a man with a child. That child didn't choose any of this and deserves better.

I am surprised that her mum is happy for her dad to have her every weekend, unless the mum is not at work during the week and so has an equivalent 'weekend'. Wonder how that will pan out when she starts school.

I think you do need some time alone as a couple and if you are not getting that ever, then I can see why things feel difficult. Does she have a gp who will babysit sometimes so you get some grown up time with your dp.

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