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Ignoring bad attitude in 10 yr old DD

(4 Posts)
peppajay Sat 19-Mar-16 17:47:02

Is ignoring bad attitude in a 10 yr old ok or is it just crap parenting? My DD is 10 and she is definitely hormonal she is always moaning and always whinging about something- her friends do seem to do alot and they all seem to have extended families with plenty of aunts uncles and gp's to spoil them. We dont have a big family apart from me her dad and her brother there is only my mum and dad and although they do their bit they don' t give her everything or take her everywhere so I can see compared to her friends at school who are always doing something exciting with relatives she doesn't have a fantastic life but realistically we cant afford to go ice skating, to see a London musical, nail bar or restaurant every weekend . She feels hard done by and wants to do what her friends do we try to give her what we can which is quality time with us. Her brother is autistic and my DH finds him really hard work and reacts by walking away so sometimes I understand life isn't easy for her. The way she speaks to us sometimes is shocking 'zip your mouth' 'make me' and 'no way' are her most used sayings at the moment and I have worked out she uses them because she knows she will get a reaction especially from my husband. They will argue for up to 2 hours and wham bam she has him exactly where she wants she wants attention and by using words and phrases like this to her dad she has got it good and proper. His pet hate is slamming doors and he tells her this every time so she storms off and slams a door he then gets even more wound up at the disrespect and the arguing starts again. If she says something rude he will shout at her about the fact she cannot speak to him like that , she has no respect, how dare you, think about how you treat me etc etc. She has an answer for everything !!! When she was about 2 she had huge tantrums and would scream and cry until we gave in to her demands we never gave in but DH would try naughty step constantly and she would run away we would praise the good things she did but to no avail so in the end I just ignored the screams were piercing and she would often make herself sick but they would be over and done with within 30 mins rather than 2 hours of back and forth when trying to disipline. This phase is exactly like the terrible twos just the terrible tens and I have taken to ignoring the rudeness and it works she shouts and screams at me and is very disrespectful I carry on doing what I am doing without rising to it and yes the shouting gets louder and louder and she then usually storms upstairs still shouting and screaming but comes down 10 mins later as if nothing has happened and she has realised just like when she was 2 that I will not react so there is no point in doing it. But 'other people' mainly DH and GP's are telling me she has to be punished for the way she speaks ie no ipod for a week, no pocket money, no tv but it honestly does not work. She doesn't 'like' anything too much she has no particular hobbies or anything so if you take something away or ban something it doesn't bother her because she just moves onto something else. My DH would like her in her room without tea till morning until she understands and where she keeps coming out he will put her back in last night again it went on for over 2 hours just like the putting on and off the naughty step but he refuses to just ignore as I am letting her get away with it and I am copping out on getting her to respect us. Any advice as what I should do. Ignoring is working but am I letting her get away with it but it is the only thing IMO that does work. The attitude is 100 times worse when DH is home because she knows he will react.

Dragongirl10 Sat 19-Mar-16 21:58:13

Poor you that sounds really tough.

It sounds like you have nailed the initial response by ignoring her and shortening the episode. Once she is calm can you discuss how her behavior affects all around her? and get her to imagine someone...a sibling/ friend....shouting and screaming those sorts of things to her ...often?How would that feel etc.

My Dd is 9 and l find asking her to imagine effects of behavior..hers and others on their family really makes her more aware and kinder...l really believe kids have to be thoroughly tought compassion and empathy. Find Tv programmes which show underpriviledged families from other cultures, poorer cultures and show her the wider picture, rather than feeling you have to give her what she perceives her friends have. Throw away any guilt if you have any, she has a loving family and a roof over her head, that is all she needs and keep reminding her.

Take her to an age appropriate homeless shelter/ soup kitchen or childrens home and let her see just how lucky she is!

All the above is fairly easy but getting your DH to change his reaction is harder, you have to find a foulproof way of getting him to adopt the same technique as you EVERY time. Perhaps he would agree to that for say a month with the talks about effects of behavior etc and see what changes happen, then you could implement punishments if still necessary.

Good luck op

CabbagesOnFire Tue 22-Mar-16 18:39:08

That feels like a really difficult situation for you, and I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, but I've been thinking about your thread all day, and it resonates with me. I know nothing about how to correct bad behaviour, I don't have any DCs yet, but it just sounds to me like she's desperately unhappy, and sort of acting out her feelings because she doesn't feel she can express them. I may be totally wrong, but it reminds me very much of my own behaviour at 12-14.
Which of you is closest to her - I'm wondering whether that one could spend some extra time just with her? Not to force her to change or address her behaviour, just to give her a bit of the attention she seems to be craving?
I'm afraid I disagree with the last respondent - not that I have experience of childrearing yet - but I think that to take her to soup kitchens to show her how grateful she ought to be feeling, might make her feel even more like you're not paying attention to how she feels. She might feel like you only care about her behaviour, not about how she actually feels. When she expresses angry or frustrated feelings, do you accept and listen to them, or tell her she shouldn't feel like that? I'm purely speculating, but could she have been told that she shouldn't show certain feelings towards her brother, or that she ought to feel a certain way about him, so that now she thinks she can't tell you how she actually feels because you'll just tell her she's wrong?
I feel terrible saying that, I'm sure your situation is hard enough, I don't mean to criticise, so please feel free to throw out my opinion if it doesn't mean anything to you.
Is there anyone outside the immediate family who she could perhaps open up to?
Even a professional?

CabbagesOnFire Tue 22-Mar-16 18:54:23

An afterthought: I don't think the ice skating/ musicals is really the issue. However, the underlying stuff might take a while to resolve, she may not even be able to articulate what's wrong, or be comfortable talking about it. In the meantime, it seems sensible to me - not that I know anything - to ignore the yelling and door slamming, and then later quietly just try to get her to tell you what's on her mind.

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