Am I too over protective of my baby?

(8 Posts)
sallykins123 Sun 28-Feb-16 09:51:32

I am suffering quite severe anxiety. My in laws have been difficult since LO was born, going on about giving her certain foods that I don't want her to have from as early as 8 weeks. talking about offering her crisps (watsits) and ice cream as that's what they did with their 3 children at 3 months. It got to the point that mil went on about it every single week, for a good 7 weeks, calling me 'naughty mommy, she should let you have this and that' 'just wait til mommy goes back to work you can have some then', 7-8 weeks of this before before my husband said anything to her, then it totally blew up. She admitted she did this to 'get a rise out of me', to this day I still don't know why she wanted that rise. It took a few weeks to get an apology out of her afterwards and when I got it it was shoddy and weak.

Basically that amongst other little things that she does like constantly tell my daughter how she is nannys girl, especially when she's sat on my lap or I am holding her, she will just look at her and say 'nannys Girl you are'', makes me think she is just actually extremely jealous of my bond with my baby. Because is it normal to keep telling your granddaughter that she is 'nannys girl you are' 'when mommy goes to work you will be a nannys girl'????

I don't trust her intentions, I don't like her holding my daughter, I think she will try and wreck my bond. We have to see her once a week and I hate it, I hate 'handing her over' I sit there and my heart is racing, I want to smash her head off her shoulders, I hate her so much. I can't handle it anymore.

Worst thing is after all this she will be having my dd for a few hours a week when I go back to work. I could afford for her to go to nursery but when I suggested it my husband got very upset, because it is mother at the end of the day and it would cause such a divide. But knowing she is having her for this day is making me extremely depressed, my husband knows this but doesn't give two shits, he just doesn't want a divide in the family and thinks a few hours won't hurt. I have to go there today and the way she is with her, nannys girl this, nannys girl that soon as we walk through the door and her constantly in my dd face making noises, funny faces,ntrying to be nan of the year is doing my head in. I hate her.

I feel like she is GOING to destroy my bond, try and take her away from me and make my dd like her better. Everything's a competition with her, even christmas was a joke, she bought that much Christmas decorations, they never go that mad and it was all about 'nanny and gramps decorations'. They even bought her a tree!!! I feel it's ridiculous, but someone said I might have a touch of pnd, but I think this situation would piss anyone off.

scrumptiouscrumpets Sun 28-Feb-16 10:06:33

You are right, this situation would piss anyone off. Your Mil behaves nastily towards you, and I doubt that will make her a good nanny! I wouldn't be happy having to leave my baby with her either.
I think the real issue here is your husband, he needs to consider your feelings. You are going along with his wishes at the moment, but the whole situation sounds like such a strain it will come to a head sooner or later. You really need to talk to him again, as calmly as possible, and tell him you do not want to leave your baby with his mother without supervision. A compromise could be going to see her regularly as you are doing now, but organising childcare for when you go back to work.
It may cause a rift in the family, but the most important family is you, your DH and your baby, it is no longer about DH and his parents. He needs to realise this! He cannot ignore his wife's feelings to spare his mother's!

As for fearing she will ruin the bond you have with your baby - don't worry about that, it's not worth it: you're your DD's mummy and your bond cannot be manipulated from the outside, it is too strong for that. I worried a lot about this too when I went back to work and my mum spent more time with DS than me, but it hasn't done our bond any harm at all.

Frusso Sun 28-Feb-16 10:09:29

Is your dd their 1st grandchild?

Sounds very normal to me. Annoying, but normal.
I've witnessed 12 years of this in dh family. Each new baby is Nana's special pumpkin, until the next one is born, and then it all starts again.

Gillian1980 Sun 28-Feb-16 11:28:40

Sounds horrific!

Your dh needs to back you up more, its not fair on you.

I actually think it will put MORE of a divide if your mil provides childcare as things will get more tense for you. My mil offered to do one day a week childcare for us which i was fine with by my dh wasnt keen. He told her he thought it was better to keep the role of grandma and carer separate and not blur boundaries.

Im lucky that there are no issues with my mil and she accepted this no problem. But I do think its a totally legitimate reason (not that you should have to justify your decision!)

phequer Sun 28-Feb-16 11:33:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 28-Feb-16 11:38:23

You do sound OTT, she can't break your bond, but she can create her own. I think a chat with your gp or hv would be a good idea

Gillian1980 Sun 28-Feb-16 11:44:59

I don't think the bond issue I'd the main problem, its more the lack of respect for the OP.

She deliberately tries to get a rise out of you, refers to you as "naughty mummy" in front of your child and repeatedly undermines your parenting choices by saying she's going to do things you don't want to happen.

I remember your previous posts about food and she really was out of line.

A respectful grandparent would ask the parent what their wishes were and respect their choices. Yes they may well have a different opinion but its not their child so not their place to decide.

BeaufortBelle Sun 28-Feb-16 11:53:14

Three issues really. Introduction of inappropriate foods. Ask the HV for leaflets about weaning and sit MIL down calmly and explain about inappropriate foods and health risks and if you can't trust her to follow the guidance she cannot go to her for childcare. Your DH has to be in on that too.

The purposeful winding up. Sit down and calmly ask why she decided it was necessary or fun at a time when you were vulnerable. Explain it is not the sort of role modelling you expect when your daughter is with her.

Explain carefully the childcare is a trial and if she feeds crap or is purposefully unkind dd will go to nursery.

Nanny's fir and Christmas - I think you ate overreacting a bit but have been wound up. Probably worth being checked out.

Somewhere I have a feeling there's a class issue in here too but not sure if you are in the UK and what the US dynamics are.

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