NOT explaining to DS that Child can't come play because Other Mum hates me

(14 Posts)
lljkk Fri 26-Feb-16 10:02:42

I think that's it in a nutshell.
Technically I don't know why she hates me.
I could write 3000 words of speculation why she hates me, but problem to focus on is that DS8yo keeps trying to invite X around & I know X's mum will never say yes because she hates me & older DS.
So what do I say to DS8 to get him to stop him asking X to come play? Can someone suggest some white lies that would keep relations peaceful between DS2 & X? I'm open to creative ideas. TIA.

exLtEveDallas Fri 26-Feb-16 10:13:14

I'd be tempted to invite the child, and let the mum say no. That way you can legitimately say to DS that you dont know why his friend can't come round. It takes the 'blame' off you so to speak.

stayathomegardener Fri 26-Feb-16 10:15:47

I think I would say well you can try and ask your friend to come over but I suspect his Mum isn't keen, I'm not sure why.
And then talk to DS about it being pointless and a bit desperate to keep asking and suggest they keep their friendship to school hours.
Perhaps if your DS stopped asking the other boy would miss that and try to talk his Mum round. At present your son is on the back foot so I would try to redress that.

capsium Fri 26-Feb-16 10:16:34

I would invite the child too, as per previous poster. Just give the excuse she gives or if she just doesn't reply say she hasn't replied and say they must be busy. Then say, 'Never mind you can still see each other at school. I had friends I only saw at school, it's normal."

Owllady Fri 26-Feb-16 10:17:31

I love the sneaky inviting for a refusal grin

Quietwhenreading Fri 26-Feb-16 10:18:54

Why not just tell him the truth? He's 8 not 3.

WorraLiberty Fri 26-Feb-16 10:21:31

I'd stop using the word 'hate' as it's over emotive.

You could just invite the child yourself and let his Mum say no (as a PP suggested), or just tell your DS that for some reason unknown to you, his friend's Mum really doesn't like you.

lljkk Fri 26-Feb-16 11:35:25

Thanks for replies. The invite is already out there & some excuse will be forthcoming (following on reasons why X couldn't come to DS's birthday parties). But whatever excuse given, DS will keep asking about another time. I need to tell DS something so he lets it go in future.

In my experience (I know quite a few cases well where this happened) if I tell DS the truth then DS WILL fall out with X, which turns into a long term life long problem of pointless animosity between the 2 lads. I'd rather DS never knew the truth. At least X doesn't seem to know truth, either.

lljkk Fri 26-Feb-16 11:39:04

... I suspect X-mum hates me because her DS1 hates my DS1. So maybe I can give some half truth about that to placate DS2. It has to be something where DS2 doesn't blame anybody at all, though, and doesn't try to fix things. Really very tricky, not sure at all possible to give any explanation that alludes to the bits I do know.

Quietwhenreading Fri 26-Feb-16 11:51:58

Your DS "WILL" fall out with X? Why? If you explain it properly there's no need for that. He's 8 he should understand not everyone gets along with everyone else.

Whether the other Mum us unreasonable may depend on why she doesn't like your DS 1.

My DS isn't allowed to go to play dates because of his friend's big brother's behaviour. I quietly think the mother is an idiot but it's the older boy's behaviour has caused the ban.

Of course I'm sure that this isn't the case in your situation but the other Mother may consider her reasons perfectly sensible.

lljkk Fri 26-Feb-16 12:14:58

Quiet -- X-mum may hate me for the precise same reason you dislike your other Mom. Xmum is 100% reasonable & I am an idiot. Or people reading this are free to suspect even more horrible stuff to explain why she hates me. The reasons don't change my problem.

8yo boys are very loyal to their mothers & they will take (angry, long-term) sides in any perceived dispute. I have seen this happen twice before!!

We live in small town (every stereotype you ever heard about small town relationships applies), & the 2 boys will frequently cross paths forever until one moves away. I'm trying to prevent yrs of pointless animosity.

So, anyway, I have to feed DS a story so that he doesn't resent anybody or try to take sides. If another poster has any other ways to positively spin why another child can't come around, or even bald faced white lies to prevent the boys going sour on each other, that would help a lot. TIA.

Quietwhenreading Fri 26-Feb-16 15:13:19

Now, now llijk I didn't say you were an idiot. I was trying to illustrate that there are two sides to every story.

As it happens I have an eight year old boy. I also live in a small town.

I just really really can't see why you can't say,"X's Mum is a bit funny and we don't get on very well. It's nobodies fault but you can't always get on with everyone. That's grown up stuff and sad but it doesn't stop you two being friends in school. However it does mean that she probably won't be very happy for X to come and play. Who would you like instead?

My kids are told to be nice and polite to everyone even the children they don't like. They know that there's the odd parent I'm not keen on, it doesn't seem to hold back their friendships a jot.

capsium Fri 26-Feb-16 15:47:56

Tbh I would just keep on repeating the excuses the other mother gives and either she will relent eventually or your ds will stop asking. Be patient, it is not your place to make up excuses for anyone. This is how life goes and is a valuable lesson for your ds - as much as you try you cannot force your plans on other people.

ScarletOverkill Fri 26-Feb-16 15:55:55

How old is DS1?
Is DS2 aware of the bad feeling between the elder brothers?
I would be honest and tell him that because the older boys don't get on you think she is cross so his friend came come over.

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