Talk

Flip

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

HELP!!!!!

10 replies

Mummy2Four87 · 25/02/2016 20:33

This is hard for me to write but after feeling I've tried everything else this is my last hope.
As you can guess my username I have 4 children 2 girls 2 boys and I'm having serious trouble with my oldest boy who's 9 he's the second child.
Let me throw some light on our background before I tell the problems I want you to have the full story.
My oldest child is my daughter let's call her SJ, she's had no contact ever with her biological father at all during her 11 years of life, C is my second (1st boy) child 9, J my third (2nd boy) 7 & S my youngest (2nd girl) 2. C & J are full siblings and I was with their father for 7 years before we split.
When I split from their dad in 2011 things were violent and hostile and after moving house in the are 3 times and moving the kids schools I decided it was better to move away. We move 100 miles across country in 2012 and shortly after moving my now partner moved in. All the kids have always gotten on with my fiancée and in 2013 we had S. (My fiancée is disabled but I don't think that is relevant to my problems.)
The boys dad knew we were moving where we were moving to he had the address the landline phone number and my mobile. He had the boys and SJ for Christmas/New year 2012 and planned to have them again for Feb half term 2013. But the night before I was supposed to drop them off in Feb he text and said he didn't want to see them any more. After making excuses and calling him, texting him and his family for 6 months it was quite clear that they didn't want to know they'd changed their numbers and were ignoring my postal letters. The boys seemed fine.
But now C is out of control. He's always had his "problems" from being around 3 years old, he preferred to play alone, didn't like to be hugged, threw more tantrums others, didn't understand it was wrong to hit and bite. He was kicked out of nursery for hitting and biting they said they couldn't control him. I've always been able to cope with it, left him to play and so did his older sister but over the last 3 years no one can cope.
He now has violent outburst towards both me and SJ he's violently attacked SJ punching her in the face and kicking her in the stomach, he pushed me down the stairs. He's racist (I'm mixed race), he says awful things, he breaks things, he hit J on a daily basis and J is covered in bruises. And just recently he's started to hit S. He's kicked a hole in the bedroom wall and jumped on metal framed bunk beds that much he bent and snapped the bars. He's tried to hang himself from his bed with dressing gown rope, he's always saying he'd rather be dead the list is endless, we've now come to the point where half the time J can't share his bedroom, SJ spends most of her time either out of the house or locked in her bedroom, we can't go out as a family without something happening, we are stuck.
As the behaviour got worse and worse I wondered if it was to do with biological dad and I did get in touch with him again. He spoke to C on the phone twice before deciding to ignore him again.

Before you jump and say why aren't I doing anything C has been seeing a paediatrician for 2 years with no diagnosis. He's seen a therapist about not seeing his dad, we are in contact with the community mental health team, I have weekly meetings with his school and the school nurse, and no one seems to know how to help us.
I don't want to have to be the mum that puts her child into care but I don't know what to do now. I have to think of the welfare of everyone else in the house. He is physically violent to 4 out of the 6 people in our household I can't let this go on yet I don't know how to stop it.
We need help before he seriously hurts someone but we don't know where to go to get it

I'm exhausted now and really don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Report

multiplemadness · 25/02/2016 20:40

I wish I had the advice you needed... My heart goes out to you. Don't give up, keeping fighting for him and I hope soon you will get the help you need.
What's he like if he gets one on one attention with you? (Probably impossible with 4 though!) xx

Report

Purplerainbow2 · 25/02/2016 20:49

I totally totally hear you op. I have 2 boys and my eldest is 9. I divorced their biological dad when ds1 was 3. I knew very early on something wasn't right with him, behaviour, a lot of autistic traits but he was very advanced. Was always told he was just very clever, frustrated, wait until he went to school etc etc but got worse. Got more and more aggressive. Camhs weren't interested due to his age. Had such a battle with them. I forked out and had him privately assessed and was diagnosed with asd, odd and severe anxiety. The anxiety is so extreme it causes his anger and aggression. His dad was very flakey. He was abusive toward me physically and emotionally. Horrible horrible weasel.

My children decided they didn't want to see him, he kept trying to force me to make them, was very aggressive and I refused as I found out he had been a have toward ds1. I only found out 6 months ago and still feel wrecked with guilt I didn't know. Ds1 said he didn't want to tell me as he didn't want to upset me or get me in trouble with ex. He no longer has any contact, he gave up when j remarried last year. Ds1 has bad anger outbursts, gets so anxious and upset about things he has panic attacks and leads to asthma attacks. Camhs have only just agreed to take him on, and that's only because the lovely OT kicked off at them. (He has other issues too).

I appreciate none of that helps you, I just wanted to say I understand. I really do. Do you feel there is something 'wrong' with him? (Had those words but wasn't sure how to word it)

Report

Mummy2Four87 · 25/02/2016 20:56

Thank you both for your comments and Purplerainbow2 yours history with your ex has a similar ringing to mine so it does help to hear from someone else. ODD has been mentioned to me by family members and if I'm honest I'd never heard of it and had to look it. It is something I think my son could have and we are now waiting for our next appointment to mention to there. Thank you again.

OP posts:

Report

Mummy2Four87 · 25/02/2016 20:56

OP posts:

Report

Purplerainbow2 · 25/02/2016 21:11

Keep fighting. Don't give up and believe me I know how hard it is not to. Iv learnt some kids are more sensitive and pick up on things more than others. I have a very diff relationship with my 2, but ds1 is very in tune to me, even when I used to say I'm fine he knew, at a young age that I wasn't. Constant reassurance that I love him and that he's very special to me seems to go a long way with him. I do mean constant though. He's been left with no self esteem and it makes me so sad. There is no support from the nhs with kids mental health due to lack of funding. It isn't fair on them, our kids are the next adults. Please don't give up on him though, are you able to spend any time just him and you? I know how hard that is though.

Report

Mummy2Four87 · 25/02/2016 21:27

I have tried doing some one on one time with him but to be honest he really isn't interested. I've tried taking him out for walks just the two of us and having time at home but all he does when we are together is argue with me or should I say try to start an argument with me as I no longer argue back.

OP posts:

Report

Purplerainbow2 · 25/02/2016 21:32

Do you not feel trying to start an argument is possibly attention seeking? Negative attention being better than no attention? I know that's how my ds is. Once we get passed the 'you can argue all you like as I'm not going to' he tends to get over it. Does he have any hobbies he enjoys you could do with him? Or even just be alongside him with no distractions will probably be a great benefit to you both?

Report

Mummy2Four87 · 26/02/2016 07:04

You could be right maybe the arguments are a way of him seeking attention. He enjoys sketching and that is something we used to talk about but now he doesn't show me his drawings and if I sneak a peak that's guaranteed to start him off.

OP posts:

Report

Purplerainbow2 · 26/02/2016 07:28

Maybe draw with him? Even if you can't draw? Ask his opinion of it or ask him for suggestions? Prob take a bit of time but you may be able to tap into him with that?

Report

Mummy2Four87 · 26/02/2016 13:05

That's what I'm hoping. I thought I was getting somewhere with him around Christmas with minecraft (I even purchased my own console and game so I could play 2 player with him) but it didn't last long. It was although it if is something I can enjoy with him then he no longer enjoys it.