Hello everyone. It has been a few years since I have posted, and I am back for help.
Long story short: I have a lovely 6yr old dd, and an ex. When we separated I promised that we would be co-parents, and I believe that it is important that she has a great relationship with us both. That has translated into a commitment that we have 50/50 residence. In theory, that was a great idea.
But oh god it is hard. We have tried every single type of schedule and nothing works. She frequently cries not to leave me, whether that is to go to him, or if the handover happens during the school day. Some days she is happy to go but this weekend she begged for an hour to stay with me. It was agonising. I eventually had to promise to visit her that night. She left sobbing but was alright when I went round that evening.
We used to have a 3 days on 3 days off schedule, which she found difficult (frequent handovers) and because that was not working I asked her if she would like to change it. She said she would like to spend one week with me and one with her daddy. But that means I do not see her for a week and I cannot bear it. The first two days that she is with her dad I spend crying. She seems to be fine and happy once she has left. It is possible that she cries when she leaves because she can sense how upset I am (I am not showing it on purpose). She says she does not want to change the schedule, but it becomes a different matter on hand-over day. Am I upsetting her, or is my gut instinct right that a week apart from me is damaging to her?
Who here has managed to co-parent well, and how did you do it, please?
Or who was co-parented in a way that I can learn from?
Or who has great advice for me?
I really cannot stand much more of this agonising separation from her, but I cannot think of the right path forward.
Thank you so much. Hello to anyone who recognises me :)
For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.
Parenting
Co-parenting nightmare. Please help.
blinder · 21/02/2016 21:16
Yes I think I will suggest that meal / bedtime thing. The other complication is that I'm self employed and teach, and evening work is keeping me afloat.
Two evenings a week at his would be perfect for me. And maybe every other weekend. The maths would be almost 50/50 
Ah poor you and poor dd 
it must be so hard.
She's so young. I would try and do as much together with ex as possible so midweek meal sounds good.
I don't agree with 50:50 contact when so young as it's confusing. I think I would personally let her go every Saturday only until she's settled down
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
When I separated from ExH after the initial shock, we went to a 50/50 arrangement - one week on, one week off.
It did NOT agree with my children who, admittedly, were younger than your DD but expressed the exact same feelings. DS was too young to know different really (only just 1 when we split) but DD was 4 when the arrangement came in and every single week would tell me how she wished she could be with me, then say the exact same thing to her Dad and then do the whole 'can't we all live together' thing. ExH being a twat decided it meant she hated living with me, would be better off not seeing me and we ended up in court to get things sorted. For what it's worth, my solicitor said she thought 50/50 with young children was just wrong and benefitted no one.
We now have totally different setup (they only spend 5 nights a month with ExH) for other reasons than the week on/week off but regardless, we both agreed in mediation that the 50/50 was just too confusing - just as they got settled, off they went.
If anything, I think we've gone too far the other way BUT both my DC are so much happier now. . So so much! DD in particular is happier (she had counselling to cope with all the original changes) and they both know when they're where if that makes sense.
Like you, I was heartbroken on the weeks they were away - although two days of crying does seem awful (have you sought any help for you? I know I had to as my moods were effecting my DC no matter how hard I tried to hide it). It is hard and I remember thinking 'I didn't have my DC so they could spend half their life away from me' but at the same time, if your Ex is a good father, I imagine he thinks exactly this.
I wish you nothing but luck and i hope you can work with your ex to get a pattern of care which works. It is just so hard to know what is best - but what is best for your DD may not be best for you, only you know on this of course!
After that massive waffle - not sure if there's anything helpful at all.. Just wanted to let you know I've been there and provided you can still talk with your ex, you'll get there
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.