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A ten year old son......tell me how to!

(8 Posts)
bramblina Thu 18-Feb-16 22:05:32

I don't know what I want to ask....I think I want to gather in as much information as I can, from others raising children, and get some different views and pointers and some great advice.

Ds (10) is a lovely lad. He is academic, we're lucky there, not so sporty or competitive so a little different to the majority of boys. He has mostly worked with the upper year group and year above so we couldn't wish for better. He's an avid reader, and a clever, inquisitive, kind, helpful lad. He received an award and 50 team points last month for "Always being so kind and helpful". Don't get me wrong, he can fight like cat & dog with his siblings, can be rather cheeky, and lazy, so is most likely to be quite normal! He also has taken a liking to computer games which are controlled as he would probably spend a good 2 hours on them if allowed.

Tonight's issue is that ds (10) is having a tricky time at school with a lad a year older than him. Composite class. Other lad not all that bad, mother took off when he was 3. He takes ds's hat off him and rubs it on his bum. Ds does NOT like this sort of behaviour. Took ds's snack off him and kicked it around. Not in a bullying way, I don't think, I just feel this lad is lacking a few social graces and perhaps a little compassion and respect. Today he pushed ds out of the way, ds fell against a wall and grazed his arm, knocked his knee. Then later he took ds's jacket off him, then something else, then took his lunch from him and kicked it under the table. Ds welling up telling me this tonight. I have phoned the teacher around 3 times in the last few months to tell her of the episodes, she's very understanding, I apologise as don't want to waste her time, she disagrees, wants to know what is going on, spoke to the boys, ds told other lad what he does not like about his behaviour, other lad apologised. But then this tonight. I told ds I can phone, but this is going to continue until you put a stop to it. Me fighting your battles is allowing it to continue. He told a teacher about the pushing/wall incident but then forgot about the lunch issue so I told him to speak to a teacher tomorrow, but he will probably not, and I cannot keep on fighting his battles.

How do I encourage ds to deal with this? The other lad is rather big, and ds is quite small, he is aware of this and this is not helping, either.

The other issue is self-discipline tonight, as he did play on his iPod for about an hour before I had to tell him to turn it off and get a move on with his project which he has had for 3 weeks already, and feels no urgency over it as it is not required to be in until mid-March. This makes me think the teacher is expecting something amazing, but it is only a poster and I'm not sure a poster can contain much that should take 8 weeks to complete...however. So he sat at the table and asked me for "help". He hadn't even taken out his pens! We have discussed this plenty and I have given him my suggestions, but really, I think at his age, that's all I should be giving him. He needs to step up and make the effort. He then faffed on for the next hour and a half and achieved very little. I have said no iPod until it is finished. Otherwise he will just put it off. Again, how do I get him to do this without being led by the hand? I want him to do a great job- he is so capable, but just lacks enthusiasm....what do I do?

I would love to know how you handle your 10 year old!!!

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 18-Feb-16 23:10:45

Aren't they on half term?

LostAtTheFair Thu 18-Feb-16 23:16:29

OP I think that you need to help your son with the bullying behaviour from the other boy. It should not be his battle to fight alone. I would raise this again with the school - unapologetically this time. This isn't an absence of social graces, this is bullying and could get worse. Your son needs to know he is being supported by you. HTH

bramblina Fri 19-Feb-16 10:52:43

JJJ, we are in Scotland and only had MTW off school.

Lost, thank you. It's so vital to gain other opinions. No-one was in the office this morning but I will pop in later and not let it lie this time. I am grateful to you for your time. I did not realise how long my post was!!

anotherbusymum14 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:59:08

Yeah that's not ok. Your son won't know how to handle this other boy and he will probably play up in other areas of his life as he doesn't know how to cope - so his work levels may reduce, and he may act out of character out due to stress/anxiety. Definitely tell the school you want it taken more seriously. I know others here may say he needs to suck it up but I would sit down with the head teacher and tell him/her what's happening and that you want action. The class teacher probably doesn't have time to deal with this. But the school need to know about it. Go to the head teacher, book an appointment, and tell him/her that you are seeing it effect your child now and that the other child's behavior is not social graces. Don't apologise for what's happening to your son. Stick up for your son and get this actioned.

LostAtTheFair Fri 19-Feb-16 11:18:25

You're welcome Bramblina. I would be treating this very seriously with the school. Good luck

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Fri 19-Feb-16 11:29:11

I think he needs guidance with homework at his age. Work with him in terms of content and presentation.

FATEdestiny Fri 19-Feb-16 12:10:42

Helping your son devise ways to manage this other boy himself is vital. This is in addition to talking to the teacher, but I think that developing resilience and ways to manage unpleasant social situations is also important.

By saying this I am not condoning the other boys behaviour. But role-playing or talking through situations with your son can only help. Ways to be assertive in saying he wants something/someone to STOP NOW. Practice the differences in tone of voice and volume.

Talk through ways he could separate himself from this boy. Avoiding contact when he is 'behaving' as well as when not will send a clear message. Ask you son if he wants to spend time with this boy, be his friend. If he does (which is entirely possible), can he explain why? is it peer pressure, is he popular, is it just because being friends is easier than not, or is there some genuine friendship there?

These are all things you can talk through with him - then empower him to manage his own behaviour as a way to control and limit this other boys behavioural impact on him.

Regarding homework - I would start off with asking DS to explain what his plan is, what he plans to produce for this project. Then ask what he will need to start with, what part of the project will he do first? Set him up with what is needed for the first part of the project and leave him too it.

It is not unusual even in adults that when faced with a big project, someone can be overwhelmed with where to start and without help can procrastinate in that first step.

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