Am I the only mother who needs a break?(14 Posts)
Hi, I'm new here so hello everyone
I am currently a stay at home mum to my gorgeous 20 months old little boy. I have been enjoying staying with DS ever since he was born. Just recently I have been feeling like being at home all days with a toddler is getting a little bit too much for me. I have never had PND and I was always coping very well. Tired, recently diagnosed with anemia, but coping.
Lately I'm just feeling terrible because I need desperately a break but I don't have any relatives here, DH works a lot and there is no one I can leave DS with. I don't mean to leave him for 2-3 hours once in a while but to have regular breaks, for example 1 or 2 days a week every week! I don't miss work in particular but I'd rather go back to work part time just to have a mental break (I hope that makes sense?). I love my little boy so much! I'm not saying I'm fed up of him or I'm fed up of being a mother. I absolutely love being a mother! I just really need time for myself, a bit of freedom when I can enjoy just being on my own! Just so I don't need to think about cooking or cleaning the same pan again! Is that a normal feeling and do other mothers feel the same?
Or is it something wrong with me that I feel this way?
I hope returning to work part-time will allow me to take a break from being a stay at home mum. I believe happy, well-rested and relaxed mum is better for a child than mentally tired mum.
I feel sorry I will be leaving DS at childcare, but I hope once or twice a week won't hurt him? I'm thinking to stay with him for another few months until he is 2 and then arrange a childminder for him. Does that sound reasonable? Will this not be too stressful for him at this very young age? I read a lot about the negative impact of leaving little children under 3 at nurseries as they don't need socialising with other kids and all they need is a one to one contact with their loving mums and dads? Sorry, this is my first and at the moment only child and I have never been through the childcare with him yet so I'm very new to the whole childcare idea.
I'm trying to convince myself it's the right decision. DH doesn't mind me doing this as long as I'm going to pay for DS's childcare from my part-time salary! So my all salary will go for this childcare but I think I'm happy with this as long as this new arrangements would allow me to get some break.
All advice is very welcomed! Sorry for a bit long post
Hi! What you feel is normal. I have friends with toddlers who got part time jobs for the same reason and they are very loving parents. I'm still a stay at home mum but I always planned to go back to work knowing I'm definitely going to feel this way.
The older they get the harder it is to get them used to nursery. My daughter is quite happy with other people. I left her for half hour with carer at nursery while I've been shown around. It felt weird for me but when I got back to her she was all smiles. It will be hard but you will both adjust. X
Agree - very normal to want to spend time with other adults and use your brain in a different way.
Do you have a particular career path you are trained for or are you just hoping to find something local / new / not too intense ?
Dh should be paying for half the childcare costs!
Your life sounds like my idea of hell
I don't know how you've survived home alone for 20 months without going crazy!
Social play is extremely important for toddlers and it sounds like yours is missing out.
By 18 months I think toddlers really need some nursery time so they learn crucial social skills.
Definitely normal. Do it. But your DH should not be seeing childcare as just your financial responsibility
A few things.
Firstly, perfectly normal that you feel you want to go back to work. Presumably it's what you did for years before you had your son? Some people are fine being a SAHP. Other people aren't. Both are normal.
Secondly, don't feel bad about childcare. If you find a place your DC is happy with, then it will be great for them. Socialising, a change of scenery, lots of different games and toys and tasks that you can't do at home. It's fun, and pretty much all kids will see it as fun, rather than "being dumped in childcare".
Thirdly, do you think many men wonder about this when they don't stay at home with their kids? Nope.
And fourthly, but most importantly, you should not be paying childcare costs out of your salary. If you DH has any respect for you as a person, rather than just as the mother of his child, then he should respect that fact that you need to go back to work for yourself. Childcare is not your responsibility, so you should pay for childcare if you want to work. It's a family cost.
I think what you say is normal.
In fact, I think some of what you say is rather insensitive to the millions of other mothers who regularly leave their children with others - do you really think they are 'hurting' their children doing that? Of course not. As you say, you have to be happy and relaxed to make your child happy and relaxed.
insensitive to the millions of other mothers who regularly leave their children with others - do you really think they are 'hurting' their children doing that?
That's not fair. The OP is in her own situation with her own particular child. She has no obligation to be sensitive to the feelings of others especially when to do so insists that she keeps her concerns silent.
It's unsurprising the the OP might have a wobble over childcare given that there is a non stop discourse in the media of the benefits and disadvantages of SAHM vs WOHM where in every situation the mother is in the wrong. Of course it's going to be tricky to navigate your own individual way through that discourse especially where there is an element of choice.
OP - it will work out fine. For all the reasons you have stated. Your little one will enjoy the change in scene and pace and so will you.
Childcare is a joint cost not one that only you pay.
Why don't you have a day off each week? Dh can look after the child.
You need to be much more assertive with your husband. This weekend, he will look after child in Saturday you are going out etc.
That's bollocks about kids and nursery. Mine loved it. Spending all day with a 'loving mum' is Groundhog Day for all concerned we all need a change and adult company.
It's perhaps a different type of 'guilt' when considering using childcare out of desire rather than necessity, but I agree with PP that it is a good thing for toddlers to get that social interaction and change of scene, so no guilt necessary! You would be doing a good thing for your DC.
Agree your DH should help with costs though. If he doesn't agree to that, it's a bit like you are trapped, and that's awful.
Maybe just make some enquiries, go and visit a couple of nurseries and have another talk with him once you know rough costs.
Good luck! Your are normal for feeling like this, and part-time work sounds like a great solution!
'Spending all day with a 'loving mum' is Groundhog Day for all concerned'
I definitely feel this way! I planned to get a part time job but got pregnant so I am stuck at home for a while yet. I have just signed my DS up for playgroup two mornings a week, I feel guilty about needing time away from him but hopefully he will benefit from spending time with other children as well.
Thanks very much to everyone for your comments!
It's very reassuring that DS will be just fine spending some time at childcare while mummy will be doing part-time job. He will be 2 so he won't be a baby anymore.
We have found a lovely childminder who works with an assistant and have few kids to look after and it seems like that would suit us so our little boy would have opportunity to spend time with other kids. Without mummy.
We go regularly to toddler playgroups and physical play. There are days when he enjoys them and days when he is a bit clingy... but in general I see him sociable.
DH will be helping with childcare vouchers and he doesn't mind to start work late in the days when I would be working so to drop DS to childminder around the afternoon. We can't afford childcare really so only the additional income from my part-time job could help! Plus childcare vouchers which we hope would cover at least half of the costs?
DH is not against me working. He even offered to stay at home so I could go back to full time work but that's not what I want .
All I want is to still spend the majority of time with my little man and get a bit 'me' time on regular basis. I hope all will work well
Oh and I just wanted to add that I totally didn't mean to sound insensitive when it comes to millions of parents sending their little kids to nurseries! I never judge other people's circumstances. All decisions are very individual. Sorry if anyone felt hurt
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