Grandparents getting too much!(16 Posts)
I'm really close to my parents, in the sense we live quite close and we've always been there for eachother. After a lot of thought my DH and I decided to spend our son's first birthday with just us 3. My parents are kicking off about this and throwing all sorts at me (they helped a lot in the past year which i'm very grateful for, I'm always telling them that too). It feels like because they aren't getting their way they're emotionally blackmailling me so they can make us do what they want. My DH has booked the day off and my DS and I don't see him much as it is.
They're now ignoring me and showing off because they can't come round midday...it's tiring having to explain that my DH and I want that day to take our DS out. We have offered a later time in the day but they won't have it. They don't seem to understand he's our DS and it's up to us. Any tips on how to deal with this?
Stick to your guns and go out for the day. I've been where you are and have learnt over the years that you can't please everyone and when you look back on your children's birthdays you will regret not going to the farm or swimming or whatever they love to do. It is a fair compromise to say come over after 5 for example. It is your dc birthday not your parents. I've lost so many birthdays and Christmas' trying to make extended family happy and missing out on my children!they grow up so fast!
Oh and I've found the only way that works is just to firmly say we are going out and will be home at 5, you are welcome to come over then and watch dc have his cake. Don't budge from this!
I agree with previous poster, do what you/your LO wants to do on their birthday. You can not please everyone and it's clearly very important for the 3 of you to spend this rare time together.
If I were you I'd tell GPs you are having a birthday tea at 5pm at home and LO would love them to join you if they don't have plans. Simple sarnies and cake and a few balloons will make it feel special for everyone.
Hmmm... I don't see why you can't just have them round? It's a small thing that will mean a lot to them, families are about compromise. I don't see why you are insisting they don't come.
Um...because her dh has booked the day off work so they can go out as a family for the day!
Families are about compromising but the only compromising going on in your scenario would be by the OP!
Thanks everyone for your help, I feel like I can't win but as you've said I don't want to look back and have missed all of the important times, the first year has gone so quick already!
tkdnv, I've told them they're welcome to come round at a later time but they're saying "I might be busy then". They both have the day off as well so they're deliberately being awkward
My family used to do this-I see now it was emotional blackmail although I'm sure they didn't mean it that way. I would feel guilty so would give in. I'm 10years into being a mum now and find it easier to put the children and their enjoyment first on their birthdays. Respond to them saying they might be busy by saying ok well that will be a shame, but we are busy in the day. we are free the next day if that's better for you? Your ds is so young, it will get harder as he gets older and he wants to do things on his birthday with his friends. Enjoy his birthday (guilt free!)
I just think they like things done their own way as parents, but I don't think it's hit them that I don't need their help parenting my child as well. They're grandparemts to him, not his mum and dad. I'll offer them another time as well, I just know it will do no good. I'm going to stick to my guns though, we're his parents at the end of the day.
Thanks for your advice MissLanaBanana, it's very much appreciated!
Be very careful. You must stick to your guns over this. BIL and SIL live next door to PIL and since having DC their lives have become completely intertwined. Granted, the free on tap help has been great over the years, but as my nephews approach early teens things are definitely becoming more strained as the grandparents continue to insist on encroaching every single school, sporting or social event, and the boys, let alone the parents, don't always want them there.
SIL has commented more than once that they've never had that 'special' grandparental role, as they have been like second parents and over-involved from the start.
One small thing now can build and build. Make your offer, don't compromise and if they don't come then maybe they're not as 'close' as you think.
That's what i'm afraid of, my parents helped a lot in the beginning due to me suffering from the post natal 'blues' and DH obviously had work to go back to. I'm not changing our plans now, they wouldn't if it was them. It's just because they can't have what they want, I don't want a second set of parents for DS. This is all unnecessary on their part.
We spent my son's first birthday just the three of us and I might have upset some family, but we threw a party for everyone seperately. You could try spinning it that you'd like to celebrate wth all the family (in laws etc) and have a quiet day.
My take was that my son had had a difficult labour, time in nicu and I had struggled during his first year. I worried that his first birthday would bring it all back and I didn't want I hostess anyone on that day. I didn't really want anyone other than me to cuddle him!!
Your parents are being quite unreasonable here I feel and I say that as a new grandparent myself having a dear Gd of 4 months old. It is important that you and Dh have time as a family with your ds especially on his first landmark birthday. Ever since our Gd was born we have tried to strike a balance between offering help and support and taking an interest in her growing up as they change so much in the first year but also respecting my dd and sil need to have family time with their new baby on their own plus my sil parents. Luckily we all live nearby. I think it is important grandparents remember they have had their turn as parents and enjoy a different sort of role with their grandchildren. Set ground rules now and suggest a few times for them to come over for presents and cake but on your terms. They will soon get over this. After all presumably they want to see their gs. It is especially important for you to enjoy this as you suffered pnd so hope this doesn't spoil it for you.
Your parents are being unreasonable and I am speaking as a DGM too Be firm and happy birthday to your LO and I hope you enjoy your birthday celebrations go as planned
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.