Just want to do things for myself(17 Posts)
I'm 19 and a single mum to a one year old little boy, I'm also studying for my English degree full time. I still live at home with my parents. My mum is a housewife and my dad works full time, I also have 3 younger brothers (4-16)
I'm so grateful for how easy I've got it In comparison to other mums, but is it bad to wish I had a bit more responsibility? My mum does or offers to do everything for me and she won't take a penny off of me in rent. I have made offers to her in the past and she tells me to save what I would give to her for mine and babies future. I do buy his nappies and milk though. She does everything from washing our clothing, to changing our bedding to making our dinner. For example I will come home some days and I will automatically have fresh bedding and a hoovered room. If I tell her I'm about to change my sheets she will tell me not to bother and that she will do it tomorrow. I have my own washing basket which I put mine and babies clothes in. Before it's even half full she will empty it and wash the lot, dry and iron it and put it away. She will make us every meal from breakfast lunch and dinner. She will always have something ready for when me and baby wake up as we get up around 8 and she's up at half 6. Usually porridge for him and boiled eggs for me, she will then offer to feed him whilst I eat mine. If I'm at uni that day she will pack me a lunch even if I say I am not hungry. For dinner she will make me food (different to what she makes the rest of the family as I'm a fussy eater) she has a list of everything I eat as well as my own freezer and fridge draw. If I text her saying I'm eating out she will get upset and say she had a nice dinner planed for me. She always offers to feed my son his dinner and every Sunday she spends the day in the kitchen making him food food to freeze as she tells me the jars I've brought aren't good enough.
I'm not being ungrateful as truley appreciate everything she does and how much easier my life is. Can't help wishing I have some responsibility though. I feel like a child and I don't want to feel like that when I've got my own child, I want to feel like a mother and like he is dependant on me. Is this unreasonable to feel this way? I've talked about moving out. Every time I do so she gets upset and says I don't realise how easy I've got it here, I do! The thing is I would just like it a little less easy. I don't want to always have it like this because one day I will not have it like this and the transition may be too hard, I would rather do it now!
Im sorry I don't know whether you should move out or not. I dont think housework is that important a part of parenting a baby at this age. (Though i can understand why its important to you). don't underestimate how much you have achieved. You have bonded with your child and you are studying full-time. It sounds like you are doing the bulk of the childcare when you are not at college? A lot of single mums don't manage to work or study even part-time while their child is small so do give yourself credit. All the best for your families future.
Can understand why you want responsibility but housework isint all its cracked up to be. Plenty of time in the future to hoover the floors. Id kill for that kind of help
You are doing well to study and look after your son. Take any help that is offered! I would love to be in your situation. If you wanted to do more maybe suggest you will cook your own meals?
Do you feel that she is unintentionally infantilising you? It's probably habit more than anything. Could you insist on cooking for everyone one day a week or something? It does sound as if she is trying to be supportive, but I think I would find that stifling too.
I would find that irritating to and I think you would be much happier in your own place, but I would hang on until you finish your degree.
Your mum sounds lovely, she just doesn't realise that too much help isn't actually helpful.
Can I move in?
Seriously though, until you have to do all of those things plus look after baby plus balance work (or uni in your case) you won't realise what a pain in the arse it can be.
Maybe just let her do it for you and try to enjoy it whilst you can, you've got plenty of time to do your own washing and make your own beds yet. Use your free time that you aren't spending on chores to enjoy your DS whilst he's still tiny
Is she caring for your child while you are at uni? I think if you moved out you'd realise just how much she is doing and how lucky you are. You may well find it very tricky both financially and time wise to do everything.
I can understand it must be claustrophobic though.
When you use you ring saying you're staying out for drinks/dinner does that mean mum is left with your child?
Just get the best bloody degree you can and thank her that way. Sorry but you are amazingly fortunate even if you'd Like a different set up.
Are you putting the money away for a house deposit?
Your mum is doing what she knows best for you. She wants you to get a good education so one day you can stand on your own two feet and provide for your little boy.
Yes it's annoying and yes you want your independence. But I would accept it for now and be grateful in the future when she has done her best by you.
I imagine being a struggling young single mum isn't a picnic. The less time you spend cleaning = more time with your baby. Enjoy it.
I can see where you're coming from OP, but being practical you must know that your long term prospects are much better if you spend this time studying, saving and spending with your DS than trying to do all that plus run a home?
Also it seems your mum has a routine to her week and it's probably much easier to slot you into that, than to have two sets of washing going on/ two people cooking dinners etc. So in a weird way you are helping, sort of
But if you want to do more can't you just crack on? I mean - instead of telling her you intend to change your sheets, can't you just get on and do it? Turn down the offers to feed DS? Tell her in advance that you will be cooking dinner for the family on Friday night and how it's really, really important to you that she let you do it?
But your son is relying on you. He is relying on you getting an education and saving for your future. Focus your energies on providing him with a stable future.
If you don't want your mum doing as much for you, then beat her to it. Put a wash on before she empties the basket. Strip and change the bed when you want, rather than waiting for her. Hoover your room before she does. Controversial, but I agree with your mum re home cooked meals for your son. If you don't want her to do it though, tell her!
I would just be grateful for her help.
To do a degree would be hell if you were juggling a house, childcare, lack of money.
There's no perfect balance, it sounds a bit overbearing but it really is so much better than the alternative.
Agree with*Monica*. I think your mum is probably just trying to give you and your child a good start by letting you focus on your degree and giving you he chance to save up for the future.
I think I'd reframe it a little... I totally get how you want to do more, and the expecting you to always be home for dinner is maybe ott, but he's only got mummy and it's you. Sounds daft but it took me a while to realise it, it kind of doesn't matter how many supportive things other people do, you're not replaceable. This situation will only last so long,sounds like your mum is enjoying helping.
Im in a similar position where I have all my family members to help me out. But sometimes I get a bit irritated when my mum offers to do simple things that I tell her I'm going to do/I can manage to do... but I know she's just trying to help and that I'll miss it when I move out next month!
Where you want to do the best for your baby, your mum has exactly the same feelings. You may be grown up, but she is still looking at her baby girl, doing all she can for you. Maybe talk to her mum to mum. Tell her you see she's doing what she can but that to prepare yourself for independence one day you'd really like her to help you learn her skills. If you can already cook, humour her a little and ask her to show you a favourite recipe. You get to spend time together, do something for the household, she'll enjoy showing you, then so if you can make it next time. Don't try to take all the mothering from her, she might well feel she's lost her purpose. Just suggest you cook on a Tuesday, for example. Let her help you to transition into responsibilities so it isn't just you pushing her efforts away. Good luck.
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