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not coping with newborn. please help.

(107 Posts)
vodkaredbull Sun 14-Feb-16 20:57:23

I feel like such a failure and a fraud.

DD born a week ago. Traumatic birth and I didn't bond well.

I'm really not coping so far and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm so sleep deprived. Right now sitting here crying because she won't settle. Had trouble bfing so she's ff but she's not hungry right now. She just wakes up and cries as soon as she gets near her crib.

Dh is so good with her but he's back at work tomorrow. I have a single bed in her room so I do all the night feeds and changes. Every night I just sit here and cry. I haven't slept in so long.

Everyone says she's so lovely. She sleeps all day as long as I'm holding her. When people visit I wish I could leave with them. What kind of person thinks that? I want to walk out the door so badly and I dread the night. I don't know what I'm going to do when dh goes to work in the morning.

I don't know if it's pnd or baby blues or I'm just a terrible person. I've spent every day crying since I came home with her. I just can't do it. I should be happy but I'm so miserable.

anotherdayanothersquabble Sun 14-Feb-16 21:07:08

Talk to your husband. Talk to your midwife. Talk to your friends. Make a plan for tomorrow and see someone so you are not on your own.

Your husband works for presumably 8 hours a day plus travel time. You can split the remaining hours of the day between you so that you can go for a walk and also get some sleep. He can help!

You could bring your baby into your bedroom so you have his support and company and so that he knows how you are doing. Yes, he is working but he can survive on less sleep, just as you have to.

Take care and good luck. Things WILL get better.

FeelToBeFree Sun 14-Feb-16 21:11:37

Sending you massive, massive hugs. Having a baby is a huge shock and I found the sleep deprivation almost unbearable at first. I regularly felt utterly miserable and feared I had ruined my life.

I loved the baby and I my wanted the best for him, but I hated my life as the lonely mother of a non sleeping baby.

So you are not alone.

Everyone will give you the same advice I think - talk to people in RL about how you are feeling (it feels so awful to admit but it is surprisingly common). Most importantly your DH, but also any family or friends who can come and be with you. The HV might be useful if you have a good one.

Be gentle with yourself. It is a huge adjustment at the best of times, and if you had a traumatic birth it will take you a while to recover.

If you are FF then get DH to do night feeds, you have just been through a huge physical ordeal. Sending hugs

ReturnoftheWhack Sun 14-Feb-16 21:11:43

Firstly, you are not a failure, you're just new to this. It's horrendously overwhelming in the early days in the best of circumstances not least after a difficult birth.

Don't think too long term, just think to the next feed. It's perfectly normal to feel anxious about nights, I was having this conversation with my best friend only the other day about her newborn.

I know exactly what it's like to not bond with your baby and it can be hugely upsetting. My DS is nearly 5 but I didn't really feel anything at first for him, was sort of fond of him. My heart could burst with love for him now but you are in the early days and the feelings aren't always immediate. Don't focus on that, just bond with her when you can, and when you feel able. If someone is visiting, and you feel able to ask - have a little sleep, even an hour can really perk you up. I'm afraid they just want to be held at this stage, but that's hard work and relentless. I do know how you feel.

What family support do you have to help you manage this week when your DH goes back? Where in the country are you? Keep talking on here, the nights can be lonely and there's always someone awake. You won't always feels like this, I promise you.

annandale Sun 14-Feb-16 21:14:10

I guarantee to you that about 85% of parents have wanted to walk out on their newborn at some point. So the answer to 'what kind of person does that' is a human, in an extreme situation.

Do you have any parents alive and able to help? Could you go and stay with your mother for a month or so? Could she visit?

If not (or even if you can), please, please ring your health visitor and let her help you.

For tonight, can you go to bed now and get three/four hours, and he can go to bed at midnight/one? Tag teaming may be the only way. Tomorrow maybe you go to bed at 8 and get the sleep until midnight?

doomclaw Sun 14-Feb-16 21:14:17

As anotherday says it will get better. Sleep deprivation is just the worst thing. I know it seems like you will never get proper sleep again but you will. The night dread goes away eventually (for me it was about 6 weeks).

Do you have any friends or family who can hold her for a couple of hours in the day so you can sleep?

My DS is now 13 weeks. He doesn't sleep through but there has been a massive improvement from those first few weeks which are just an absolute slog.

maybebabybee Sun 14-Feb-16 21:15:11

First of all flowers for you.

I think you need to bring baby into your room so your DH can help with nights etc.

Smartiepants79 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:16:39

This is all very normal. Please don't think these thoughts make you a bad person or mother. Having a baby is like being hit with a cricket bat. Nothing can prepare you for the non-stop exhaustion and hormonal craziness.
It took me months to bond properly with my daughter.
Have you spoken to your husband? You need to come up with a better plan for the nights. My husband used to do at least one night feed and change. Especially in the early weeks. I would then go to bed at 9/10 and be able to sleep til about 2/3 before having to get up again.
It really is one day at a time. Many, many babies only sleep when being cuddled.

Jellybean2016 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:16:39

You're not alone and your thoughts don't make you a bad mum xxx my little one is 2wks, similar story: v.traumatic birth and he only settles on me, won't go in the crib. Last week I was in tears so often, so tired and wishing it was different. The midwife suggested co-sleeping and it's made all the difference, this week we're like a different mummy and baby, and it's all because I've been able to sleep. Don't be afraid to ask for help, let the midwife, the health visitor and your closest friends and family know you're struggling, they'll be there for you, no-one wants you to go through this alone xxx

honeysucklejasmine Sun 14-Feb-16 21:20:54

Vodka you had a horrific birth. You were so brave throughout and you have come out the other side. It's absolutely fine to be struggling a little bit now. All your feelings are totally normal, honestly.

Please do speak to a professional regarding your feelings. But importantly, appreciate that having them does not make you a failure. At all. flowers

TheBakeryQueen Sun 14-Feb-16 21:21:05

You've had a really tough time of it, you need to be kind to yourself.
A traumatic birth & then sleep deprivation- it's no wonder you're feeling like this. You will get through it though (with support) and it is normal.
You need to work out a plan so that you can cope.
Priorities, feed & change baby & lots of sleepy cuddles together. Forget everything else. You need to catch up on sleep, so sleep when baby sleeps. Tell all your friends & family how you feel & accept all offers of help.
Congratulations by the way, this first bit is hard, but try & see the beauty in it all as you'll never get this back.

Babymamamama Sun 14-Feb-16 21:21:27

Sorry you're having such a hard time. I remember those dreaded sleepless nights. If your little one is bottle fed then at least a few nights a week your dp could do the night duties so you can stick in some earplugs in another room and get some vital sleep. It shouldn't all be on you. Also see if visitors can hold your little one whilst she sleeps in the day. Even being able to grab a bath or shower on your own can be precious respite. Sending you hugs.

ohidoliketobe Sun 14-Feb-16 21:24:56

Oh god been there!
First up, this is totally normal to feel this way and don't let your head tell you otherwise. You're tired and hormonal and still recovering from childbirth physically and mentally.

It sounds like your DH might need to do a bit more in the night, is there a reason why baby isn't in your bedroom? Appreciate he's back to work and needs his rest but you're a team. One individual can't suffer. Sleep deprivation is evil, there's a reason it's used as a form of torture.
For a week or so when DS was going through his fussiest phase (week 2-3 for him) we ended up doing shifts. I'd go to bed at 8pm in a different room and he'd gp to bed a bit later on and do any settling down and feeds with DS until about 1am then we'd switch over. Thay way we both got a solid block each. Once DS was less fussy we went back to being in the same room and took turns settling and feeding.

Please remember this is a tiny baby who just wants comfort and mum and dad. You can't spoil her by letting her snooze on you.

Is there anywhere you go tomorrow? I'll admit to anyone that when DH returned to work I decamped to my Grans straight away. After bad nights I'd head there first thing in my pj's and she'd make me breakfast and send me for a shower and a lie down. She's had 6 children, 15 grandchildren and currently on 4 great grandchildren so nothing phases her and it was a great comfort knowing how I felt was completely normal from someone other than a "professional" giving me a soundbite.
If no family nearby go and see friend, a baby group, anywhere. Just don't stay inside because it feels ten times worse on your own.

Please speak to your midwife or health visitor as well. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. They can give you some more practical advice about what's on offer in your area.
You'll do fab and in a few months you'll look back on these weeks and think jesus I don't know how we did that! My DH and I laugh now about one particular night where the two of us stayed up wringing our hands, both in tears ourselves, peering into a very angry DS' moses basket while he screeched. Everytime we picked him up he settled, but cried whenever we put him down... now we just think if only we'd have taken it I turns to go and sit downstairs for a little bit watching tv nursing him while the other had a decent block of sleep. . .

DartmoorDoughnut Sun 14-Feb-16 21:26:08

Oh vodka I'm not surprised you're struggling a bit bless you, you had a hell of a time of it - was on your original thread. My DS was - and is! - like your DD. He only slept on me, a sling was my saviour, I had a close caboo, happy to lend it to you if it helps??

Be kind to yourself, your DD will be fine with your DH/family, have a long shower/bath and a treat, chocolate, wine, whatever food you wanted when you were pregnant and couldn't!

Try not to be too hard on yourself right now, you properly went through the mill to get her here and emotions/hormones must be high xx

ArmfulOfRoses Sun 14-Feb-16 21:26:20

I had a funny feeling this would be you, I lurked on your last thread but didn't post.

You have had a shit time of it, really shit, so please be kind to yourself.

Get in the big bed with dd and get dh in the single, give up on the cot for now.

Take her through to dh in the night when you need to, unless he's a surgeon or similar.

If she'll sleep all day on you, then go to bed.
Take a drink, snacks, book, ipad, whatever you need.

Please do talk to your hv, and your dh.
flowers

Stylingwax Sun 14-Feb-16 21:34:30

I second Roses. There was no way either of my babies would sleep in a crib. I actually have absolutely no idea how people get their babies to sleep in a crib, mine wake up! I co slept with DC1 and DC2 (5 weeks) is in a Sleepyhead on the bed so this right next to me but raised a little.
Think about shiftingt DP to spare room, wear something warm on your top half, push the duvet down and snuggle right next to her. And alternate nights with DP, I know he's going back to work but honestly he'd rather be a bit tired, but know you were ok, then worrying about you.
And get people over, give them the baby and go and get an hour's sleep.
It will get better and you are fab smile

middlings Sun 14-Feb-16 21:39:51

Everyone else said the same but again for emphasis:

You are not alone

You will start to feel better again

You are completely and utterly normal.

Get rest when you can - even if it's 20 minutes in the bath.

Talk to anyone who will listen. Your DH might be freaking out. Show him this thread.

I had a 3a tear. DD1 had her hand beside her head when she delivered. I spent over an hour in theatre after she arrived. I was left in the gown in which I delivered, with her on me for four hours, with a pad between my legs and no nappy on DD whilst numb from the waist down for four hours.

On Day Three I told my mother that if someone came and took DD away I wouldn't mind. I meant it. DH found me crying over her Moses basket that I would try to learn to love her.

When she was three weeks old I felt protective towards her. I think I really started to love her at about six.

My DF said to me, parenthood isn't a word. It's a sentence. And it is massively dislocating.

You are normal. You are loved. And you will love. Talk to someone. Talk to us.

Where are you?

middlings Sun 14-Feb-16 21:42:15

Oh and sleep how you can - DD2 and I co-slept for six months (which is why bloody DH says her first 6 months 'wasn't that bad' hmm)

You can figure out a way to do it safely.

This WILL get better. I absolutely promise you.

ifcatscouldtalk Sun 14-Feb-16 21:45:27

Very early days. I cant add much more to other posts here. I felt the same & my dd's birth and early weeks shocked me to the core! I honestly wondered what the hell i'd done. I am now incredibly proud of her, she is my pride and joy. You are not terrible just human. Avoid smug types and get all the support you can. Sleep deprivation plus hormones should never be underestimated.

lemon101 Sun 14-Feb-16 21:45:56

Take it easy on yourself - my ds is 2 months now and I can tell you that I frequently have days where I in all honesty am asking myself what have I done having a baby. I am SO JEALOUS of all those young couples without kids. Just because I miss my old life and the easy selfishness. It is getting easier however, day by day so hang on in there.
I totally agree with the posters above - get your baby in bed with you at night and you will be amazed at the difference. I only did that for 3 weeks and then my son moved to his co-sleeper, but it really is the best way. Your daughter just needs to be close to you.
And as pp's said - speak to your dh and be honest. I find this having a baby business so hard - ridiculously hard and things only improved by getting help from my dh.
Best of luck lovely.

Wanderingwondering Sun 14-Feb-16 21:46:40

Ah you poor thing. I remember feeling exactly the same-looking at all the congratulations cards saying what a wonderful time it was and thinking that either they, or I had got something very wrong!
It does get better and I wouldn't worry about PND at this stage, although keep it in mind if you're still feeling like this in another few weeks.
Sleepe whenever you can. I got to the stage where I would say hi to visitors and then retreat to my bed for an hour or so. They understood.

middlings Sun 14-Feb-16 21:47:09

I just read your last thread.

Jesus Christ.

It will fade. But you need to tell the health visitor/midwife/GP how you're feeling. have it noted. And then when you're feeling better, which you will, and quickly, you can take up a complaint.

Just try to breathe.

vodkaredbull Sun 14-Feb-16 21:48:17

Thank you everyone. Dh took her downstairs for an hour and now she's back with me and Ewan the sodding dream sheep.

The crib and single bed are in the nursery because of space really - no way we'd fit anything in our bedroom. I'll admit I'm jealous of dh sleeping in a real bed. Since we changed to ff he gets up and makes a bottle if I ask but then I do the actual feeds in this horrible room while he goes back to bed. I feel bad asking him to do more because his job is high pressure and tiring.

I don't have close family around. My mom could get here but not easily and she's not in the best of health. In laws are local but they're not really bothered about me, just dd. I'm sure if I told them I was leaving the baby with them forever they'd be pleased.

I don't have a hv yet but I've still got a community midwife. I'll call her tomorrow and tell her I'm really struggling. I know it's common, I just wish I could see light at the end of the tunnel.

Sorry for my incoherent ramblings and thanks everyone for reading and replying. Strangely comforting to know I'm not the only one out there right now.

LittleBearPad Sun 14-Feb-16 21:49:17

Oh lovely. You poor thing.

It's horrible feeling like this. I remember it so well. But I promise it will get better.

Have you been signed off by the midwife yet, at only a week I would assume not. Can you talk to her about how you're feeling?

Talk to your DH, your mum, your friends if you can. Talk here too. You aren't unusual. It will get better and if you don't think it will then go to your GP; they can help you.

vodkaredbull Sun 14-Feb-16 21:51:28

middlings what you said is exactly how I feel.

I'm In Staffordshire.

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