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What are the alternatives to punishment?

(18 Posts)
GrouchyKiwi Fri 12-Feb-16 17:58:35

Punishment just doesn't seem to work for DD1 (she's nearly 4) and I'm nearing the end of my tether with her. She can be so sweet and lovely, but there are days I just can't do it. I'm exhausted from trying to get her to do what she's told (usually things like not interfering with or being unkind to her little sister).

So since time outs and confiscating toys doesn't work, what are other things we can try?

winchester1 Fri 12-Feb-16 18:03:22

Ignore the wrongs and lots and lots of positive reinforcement for the rights.

Seeline Fri 12-Feb-16 18:05:00

Praising good behaviour?
Rewards chart/stickers
Picking your battles wink

Fourormore Fri 12-Feb-16 18:07:15

Read "the explosive child". It has a great plan for getting out of the power struggle.

Muskateersmummy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:07:15

I'm a firm believer in whatever strategy you use you have to be consistent. If you say you are going to do something you must follow through.

Mostly I take our dd (3.5yrs) away from the situation, sit and talk to her in a low calm but firm voice as to why what she is doing is not allowed and then we discuss what she can to do make things better. For example she was rude to her GP's the other week, so I took her aside, told her that she mustn't say what she did that it was rude and would upset GP. I then said what could she do to make it better? She said I don't know, so I asked what we did to her when she was sad, she said "give me hug" so I told her to go to grandad give him a hug and say sorry. She asked if she could give grandad a biscuit to make him feel better, so that's what she did. She gave him a biscuit, a cuddle and said sorry.

It's not the quickest solution but it is done calmly, and consistently and hopefully she learns something rather than just gets punished if that makes sense!

GrouchyKiwi Fri 12-Feb-16 18:07:24

Sometimes the wrongs cannot be ignored, though. I can't ignore her hitting her sister.

A sticker chart might work for her.

MrsJayy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:12:37

Consequence is a good reiforcement of behaviour so if she does x y happens say she is cheeky to you tell her it makes you sad or if she breaks something make her clear it up also lots and lots of positive praise dont over do it though say something like Dd you are playing nicely today what you doing ? You can use a naughty chair without it being a naughty chair I used the sofa I would say i think you are being a bit silly have a seat for a minute.

MrsJayy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:13:41

Always always be consistent

Muskateersmummy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:14:51

Agree with mrsjayy

GrouchyKiwi Fri 12-Feb-16 18:24:03

I agree about consistency and have to admit that lately I've not been as strong on this as I could be. I'm pregnant with DC3 and because I'm so tired I might let things slide or give in when otherwise I'd be firmer. I'm sure this doesn't help her.

I've decided to buy Laura Markham's book as well. I doubt I'll agree with everything but there must be strategies in there that will help.

Muskateer I'm really glad you shared that story about your DD being unkind to her grandparents. DD1 can be like this sometimes and it really throws me, so it's kind of good to know it's not unusual. The approach you used there would probably be good for DD1.

DH and I do make sure we praise her good behaviour; I think working on more positives with her would be helpful.


MrsJayy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:52:21

Remember you have a lot going on 2 soon to be 3 little ones its hard, concentrate on things you think are the worst which is hurting her sister have a no hands on rule so its no we dont hit/ hurt people in this house why are you hurting your sister , age is dd2 soon she will retaliate so you can leave them to slug it out grin

Muskateersmummy Fri 12-Feb-16 18:57:26

grouchy I would use the same tactic on her if she hit our dog. (Closest we have to a sibling!) I would stop her, remove her and have the same chat.

If she broke or spilt something she would have to tidy it up.

We are very "positive" in our parenting style with her. We tend to not use "no" often more a "could you do this instead". She still has firm boundaries, just laid down in a quiet patient way. In general since using this style we have had less need to discipline as she has been happier and more willing to do as she is asked

GrouchyKiwi Fri 12-Feb-16 19:35:43

I have created a reward chart for her and she's excited about it. I've chosen three things I want her to work on - bedtime, being kind to her sister, and listening to us - and made different special rewards for when she's earned a set amount of stars. We'll see how that goes.

MrsJayy DD2 is 18 months so she's already begun retaliating - with biting! The joys of toddlers.

Muskateer I would like to end up being more that kind of parent so it's something DH and I will work on.

Muskateersmummy Fri 12-Feb-16 19:46:51

Good luck grouchy reward charts have worked well here too.

There is lots of good info on positive parenting techniques on t'internet. I follow a few on fb too. I hope it helps your family as much as it has ours flowers

MrsJayy Fri 12-Feb-16 20:27:34

Good luck ^grouchy* and mini gouchy sounds like you have a plan what I said was how we parented and mine are adults and turned out fine

MrsJayy Fri 12-Feb-16 20:28:52

Meh grouchy sorry.

MrsJayy Fri 12-Feb-16 20:31:19

I had a stamp chart thing and if we had a nice day they got a stamp dd1 was a demon when her sister came along <sigh>

EElisavetaOfBelsornia Fri 12-Feb-16 20:32:10

Also a fan of reward charts for this age - variations such as stars, stickers, marbles into a jar, tokens, even Smarties. My DCs respond to incentivisation!

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