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wosrt daughter ever??

(18 Posts)
Obo81 Tue 02-Feb-16 13:46:21

I'm expecting my first baby in March and wanted some opinions on grandparent visiting.
My mum lives far away and wants to come down before baby is born and stay until I don't know when!
I've asked her if she can come down after my parter goes back to work as we would have the first two weeks alone together with the baby. We are nervous and want to find our feet before having a guest staying with us.
Needless to say this conversation with mum didn't go well and now both mother and mother to be are upset and not speaking.

Am I being unreasonable making my mum wait a couple of weeks?

Aworldofmyown Tue 02-Feb-16 13:51:03

How far away is she? Could she come and visit for a couple of days when the baby arrives and then come back and stay for longer when your husband goes back to work?

She's just excited and desperate to be involved in her daughters first born, but i understand where your coming from. I lived quite a way from my mum when my first was born.

YAB a little U making her wait a few weeks imo.

Aworldofmyown Tue 02-Feb-16 13:52:36

Could another family member bring her for a quick visit and then take her back?

lostinmiddlemarch Tue 02-Feb-16 13:57:42

It's reasonable of you to want space but also reasonable that she's hurt if she was expecting to be needed. I would offer an overnight in the first week or two (making it clear there would be no entertaining and it's by your rules), then a longer visit after that.

People seem to attach a lot of importance to setting eyes on a baby when it's very new.

Stress you are looking forward to seeing her, looking forward to seeing her with her grandchild, sure she's going to be a great help. If she's determined to sulk after that there's nothing you can do.

Obo81 Tue 02-Feb-16 13:58:10

Unfortunately she lives in north wales so about 250 miles away, 5 hours one way.

Her health isn't great so the journey isn't easy for her. It's unlikely she will be open to do a couple of trips but I'll suggest it.

ImperialBlether Tue 02-Feb-16 14:02:26

It would be best if she could come as soon as the baby's born then go home again, returning when your husband goes back to work. Unless she's super-helpful and super-tactful you could do without her being there all the time at the beginning.

mrsnec Tue 02-Feb-16 14:07:12

Hi there,

My parents live a five hour flight away from me. It depends on your relationship and it depends on your living arrangements.

With my dd they booked their flight for my due date. I had an emcs 2 days before. Dh couldn't take much time off because he has his own business. So essentially my mum was looking after him too. I was a bit shell shocked when she went home!

She helped look after me too and she made tea and cake for all the guests that called round. My dsf was like a spare part though.

My parents have their own room in my house, use of a car and just fend for themselves I can imagine in other families circumstances might be different.

This time though I think I'm going to have ds a couple of weeks before they arrive so I can see things being a little different.

Saying all that, on both occasions they booked 3 weeks and I was ready to go it alone really despite my niggles last time I was craving a bit of normality. I don't think her stay should be open ended really but you might find her useful. But then I might have just needed her because dh was working. It didn't effect us bonding as a family unit though but might have done if we hadn't given each other space when we needed it. My parents have 12 grandchildren between them though but dd was mum's first so she'd been through it all with stepgrandchildren.

Obo81 Tue 02-Feb-16 14:20:59

Due to bad health the journey is very stressful for her, I wish she could come down for a couple of nights at the beginning then come down again later but I can't see her going for that option.

Also due to her health she isn't very mobile and whilst she will be as helpful as she can be she isn't going to be able to go out alone etc...

Tricky situation

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 02-Feb-16 14:26:28

Not trying to thread hijack, but I have a similar problem. I would like it to be just me and my DH for the first 2 weeks, but DH feels it's unreasonable to ask my parents and in-laws to wait that long before meeting baby. What is considered an acceptable length of time without compromising myself too much?

mrsnec Tue 02-Feb-16 14:46:42

Op, if you don't mind me saying it sounds almost as if you're worried more about having to look after her as well then. If that's the case I don't think you're being unreasonable by asking her to wait a bit. I think it worked well with my mum because she'd take herself out or go do the shopping for might have been a whole other story without that.

With regards to other visitors, my inlaws live ten minutes from me and visited me in hospital on the second day and then not at the house until I was ready which was probably a few days later. My mum counted that I had 20 visitors in the first week but I could have done without it. I'm told it doesn't happen as much with the second and I'm delighted about that! Inlaws only ever stay for a cup of tea though.

araminem Wed 03-Feb-16 09:02:49

That is what we did. My mum lives in another country. I asked her to come at 2 weeks point when my DH went back to work. It was great having her there then as I was struggling much more than the blissful first few days. Luckily for me she didn't complain at all (though I am sure she would have liked to be there earlier). Hope you manage what makes you happy!

BarbarianMum Wed 03-Feb-16 13:11:00

<<I would like it to be just me and my DH for the first 2 weeks, but DH feels it's unreasonable to ask my parents and in-laws to wait that long before meeting baby. What is considered an acceptable length of time without compromising myself too much?>>

I think it depends on how far away they are. If they live within a distance that would allow them to pop in for a couple of hours and "meet baby" then I think it would be the height of meaness to make them wait a couple of weeks (am assuming nice or run of the mill annoying parents here). If however they would need/want to stay over (with you or in a hotel) then I think asking them to wait a couple of weeks is fine. Just don't let them book accomodation before your baby is actually born in case it is late.

waterrat Wed 03-Feb-16 14:30:06

I think it is very reasonable to want to have the paternity leave - which is so short and so precious - as family time. Essentially if she was nearby she would pop in and do short visits - but she can't.

I think this is the beginning of being a good mum instead of worrying about being a good daughter.

You need to be happy and calm and your partner will also want to spend lots of time cuddling his baby before having to go back to work.

Honestly I say stick by your guns - just say you are not ready for a long term visitor staying overnight during the first two weeks.

JellyBaby26 Wed 03-Feb-16 14:36:13

We had this with il's. We said we don't want to see anyone for two weeks Etc etc. they live 200 miles away and were visiting at the time. They left our house and were due to go out for dinner. They called DH and said they were going home and they didn't agree with what we wanted to do" and basically had a massive strop. I was furious!! We then gave in and said fine come whenever.

Am pregnant again now and I refuse to tell them the due date and I will insist that we are having time together and basically they can fuck right off.

Don't let her pressure you into doing something YOU don't want to do. It's your baby not hers and you make the decisions.

MrsA2 Wed 03-Feb-16 16:20:40

Just a thought - how flexible are your partner's work? Could he take one week paternity leave, then your mum come down for a week or so and then your partner take another week off once she's gone? I also wanted plenty of time just the three of us when my DD was born but I do think two weeks before your mum can come down is probably a bit long, sorry! Ultimately it is entirely your decision though - don't get railroaded into making a decision that you'll regret.

TheExMotherInLaw Wed 03-Feb-16 19:09:22

I think it's totally reasonable to ask her to wait, especially as she isn't in the best of health. - MrsA2's suggestion is good, too.

Sleepybeanbump Wed 03-Feb-16 19:22:07

I've just been through this with my MIL. She wanted us to let her know when I went into labour so she could get on the next plane!!! In the end we made her wait 5 weeks (she lives a 5 hour flight away, can be quite hard work, offers virtually no practical help and would stay a week minimum). She has been HUGELY huffy and in the end she just booked her flights without consulting us on dates and it's all been a total pain and we've had her here being no help whatsoever during a really busy and inconvenient week.

I'm firmly of the opinion that relatives should just butt out and wait until they're invited. It's a phenomenally hard time and the needs of the mother are paramount.

LongHardStare Wed 03-Feb-16 19:30:09

Do you have any siblings or relatives near you? Ideal scenario is she comes to visit sooner but has another relative she can stay with / be looked after by.

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