I feel the urge to tidy up DD's (14) room next time she's on camp... is that an invasion of privacy?

(35 Posts)
MrsBigD Sun 31-Jan-16 01:54:34

OK so here's the thing... DD (14) loves her cave of a room. At weekends we hardly see her unless for food and when we make her. I'm not house goddess but her room does my head in. Ok we can see the floor, which according to other parents with teens say is fantastic. However, DD just declared she's buying a new calculator tomorrow as she can't find hers and she needs it for school... I went 'on no you don't, have a look for it properly first'... q... I've looked where it normally would be (please overlay stroppy teenage tone). To this I replied well then it's probably amongst the stacks of other things stacked over there, and there, and there and... she was not amused. I progressed to opening her cupboard door to demonstrate that it could even be in there and she nearly bit my head off! The cupboard looks like a hoarders dream! (no offense to anyone on here who struggles with that condition).

Now I have the urge to go into her room on my day off when she's sequestered at school and blitz it... I know she would love the outcome, but also hate my intrusion as she's a very private person - probably having to do with being a developing 14 year old.

So your take on this please dear mumsnetters... is this an invasion of her privacy, psychologically damaging, the mum thing to do, etc?

On a side, I'm one of these horrible parents who has rules, sets boundaries, occasionally interferes but also spoils kids rotten at times and will always support them (if they actually come to me with their problems) and defend them with tooth and nail if anybody tries to hurt them...

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 31-Jan-16 02:00:47

I'd be more inclined to get her to do it herself. Arm her with bin bags for stuff to get rid of, some nice storage boxes for things she does want, and dusters, wipes and polish to complete the job. No harm to offer a reward for completion. Set a time frame, eg 2 hours.
Make sure she knows that the alternative is that you'll do it, and that you'll be utterly ruthless with chucking stuff out.

Out2pasture Sun 31-Jan-16 02:02:32

i'd give her 24 hours notice and a bucket (laundry basket) tell her anything private needs to go in the bucket and the room will be cleaned and organized. it's your home.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 31-Jan-16 02:37:47

My parents did this to me once and I was MORTIFIED. Don't do it, or at least give her fair (and multiple) warnings.

*still embarrassed at memory twenty years later*

MyNewBearTotoro Sun 31-Jan-16 03:17:47

Give her a warning with plenty of time for her to do it herself first. Also I would say area not in sight (eg: in cupboards, drawers etc) should be left alone to respect her privacy.

MrsBigD Sun 31-Jan-16 03:47:27

thanks MN'rs... she's had plenty of warning. Thanks for the laugh by suggesting she's got 2 hours... last time it took her 4 weeks to get her room 'presentable' with allowance being made not to look into her cupboards. If she had done it all in one go I think it would still have taken her the better part of 2 days. That was a month ago and now it looks like argh again. Saying that she just found her calculator by moving things from stack A to stack B, then she couldn't find her hair brush... [is there a hangs and shakes her head in defeated manner emoticon?]

She has lots of storage areas, i.e. shelving, a new desk with lots of drawers and a massive built in wardrobe with a chest of drawers in there. Still she manages to pile up stuff everywhere. We all have dust mite issues to some degree in our family and DD gets ill quite often and I've tried to explain that messy room is the perfect 'breeding ground', but somehow that doesn't seem to sink in.

Ah well... I shall do the right thing and give her 2 weeks to sort through things again. Maybe her reward should be that I won't cancel the trip I've booked to take her to a paleontological excavation site to observe mid-February which happens to be in another State (we're in Australia)... does that make me ogre mum? ;)

uhoh2016 Sun 31-Jan-16 20:06:16

Maybe suggest that you want it doing so if she doesn't want you in her room she does it herself if she doesn't then you'll be in doing it for her
If she really didn't want you in there then she'll do it herself at least you've given her the opportunity before you go in yourself
I understand you respect her privacy but realistically what can she have in there at 14 that you want / or she wouldn't want you to see??? As long as you don't read her diary if she has one what else could there be?

briss Sun 31-Jan-16 20:28:04

I always tidy my dds rooms when they are away (13 and 16). They like it.

scrivette Sun 31-Jan-16 20:30:31

I would have been horrified at 14, but 'if you don't have it tidy within two weeks or I will do it' would have motivated me!

ShowMeTheWonder Sun 31-Jan-16 20:34:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

briss Sun 31-Jan-16 21:17:51

Wow. I wouldn't think twice about doing it.

KP86 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:26:48

If she's been warned then go for it.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Jan-16 21:28:42

I wouldn't do it. I'd be too scared of what I'd find.

Ameliablue Sun 31-Jan-16 21:29:14

I wouldn't do it without telling her first.

Fluffy24 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:31:52

I would warn her, explain that her bedside drawer will not be opened, but the rest is fair game unless she does it first to an acceptable standard .

staverton Sun 31-Jan-16 21:33:43

Don't do it without giving her notice
I still have a regular anxiety dream, which wakes me up in a horrible panic, of my parents doing this. My dad slept in my bed one night when I was away and read my diary. I still haven't forgiven him ...

DilysPrice Sun 31-Jan-16 21:40:08

I'd offer to do it as a huge favour, ask her for suggestions anything that she particularly wants put in particular places, and give her a cupboard/drawer that's going to be off limits, sealed with "MUM KEEP OUT" masking tape. Anything she doesn't want touched needs to go in the Forbidden Cupboard before she goes.

usual Sun 31-Jan-16 21:47:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 31-Jan-16 21:52:36

I did this when dd then 17 was on a trip abroad. Had asked her a million times. She was going into an exam year and l decided to treat her! I put one drawer aside and flung everything that looked remotely private into it without a glance. It was fab. I thought she would be thrilled. She went mad. I felt bad but still glad it was done. Then after a day or two she started saying hey thanks l can find things to wear. I found enough tights to last her through the whole winter. Before that she said she didn't have one pair. I set her into a sort of routine as made a drawer for everything. I was tempted to label them. It kept her on the straight and narrow for a while but I never did it since. Just at new year she was going away and said l don't mind anymore if you do my room!!! But l didn't dare. It's tricky at 14 so maybe doing it together would work. They get overwhelmed as it has gone too far.

uhoh2016 Sun 31-Jan-16 21:56:22

She's 14 not 24!! I'd be doing it myself if she didn't do it. If she wants the privalige of privacy then she needs to respect your house rules and clean her shit up If she doesn't want you in there.
My mum did a "proper" clean in my room when I was that age I didn't have anything to hide

abbsismyhero Sun 31-Jan-16 21:58:26

i do it for my 15 year old daughter i don't read any notes or paperwork left lying around i do remove dirty plates rubbish dirty pants etc and have a general stack and sort i respect her privacy but i give her fair warning to remove anything i shouldn't see

PlumpFiction Sun 31-Jan-16 22:03:03

I don't think you should do it for her, but I do think a lot of people don't naturally know how to tackle a messy room so could do with some help or guidance.

My mum not only tidied my room up but rearranged my furniture for me one day while I was out. She found some stuff she didn't like (vodka bottles I think, but could've been cigarettes) in the void between the bottom drawers and the floor (great hiding place until someone decides to move the furniture). She tried to have a stern word with me, but I have to say I just laughed it off and said she shouldn't have been messing about with my stuff. I think I would have been about 16 or 17 at the time but she still would have found those things at 14 if she'd looked

southeastastra Sun 31-Jan-16 22:04:57

i do with my ds(14)'s room. i object to the amount of wrappers and crap in there. unless he can show he can keep the room clean and free from dirt, i will then let him have the room to himself.

eyebrowse Sun 31-Jan-16 22:14:20

How about (after warnings) you go in and plonk everything on the floor or out on surfaces in black sacks. Then you can clean it. Then if the black sacks are not sorted after 2 weeks they go in the bin. If you pay the rent/mortgage then I think its justifiable. Also read somewhere about teenagers having poor sleep because of rotting food/ smelly clothes in their rooms

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Sun 31-Jan-16 22:15:47

Just tell her it's happening on X date, unless she does it herself.

She'll do it herself if she has anything to hide. Or if she doesn't, but doesn't want you poking around in there.

I am a very private person and kept my room more or less tidy as a teen, so my mum went through my bin hmm

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