daughter wants to know who her dad is(3 Posts)
Nearly 8 years ago I split from my ex partner and father to my eldest child. We were split for 3 months and in that 3 months I met someone else who was rebound I guess and I ended up getting pregnant. I was young and I was stupid and it didn't last but I decided to keep my daughter. When I was 8 weeks pregnant me and my ex partner decided to give it another go. He has since brought her up as his own.
The stress on the relationship was too much and when my youngest daughter reached 1 year old we broke up for good. He has always seen her on alternate weekends along with my eldest and he has always paid for her. I've never kept the fact that he's not her biological daughter a secret because as far as I'm concerned it's not my secret to keep. My daughter deserves to know the truth so I brought my children up knowing they are half sisters and waited for her to ask me the questions and I'd answer them honestly. Me and my ex partner agreed that when that day came we would sit her down and tell her together.
Or so I thought....
My eldest daughter (now 11) came home the other week from her dads and told my that she had overheard her dad in the park telling two people that my youngest wasn't his, and he's told anyone that would listen that she isn't his, he's also gone out of his way to reveal his name to my eldest and he's tried to make out that I was 'putting it about' and he was the Saint that stepped in and saved the day.
I don't think this is fair. I was honest with everyone from the off. My family knew the truth, I've never kept it from my children and I told him the truth. He chose to tell his family when we broke up to make me look bad (resulting is his mother disowning both of my daughters even though my eldest is his).
Now both my girls refusing to go to her dads (they havent been since just after Boxing Day). All my youngest would say is she didn't wanna go because she had belly ache but I actually got a phone call from school telling me she had written on a worry slip 'I worry about going to my dads because he slaps me.' I've told them they absolutely don't have to go if they don't want to. I'm fighting their corner like any mother should but now the school have called in social services. I completely understand that they have a duty of care and I've told my ex and he's basically called my youngest a liar. I know she's telling the truth. Both my girls when spoken to separately have told me the same thing, amongst other things that I wasn't aware of so I understand why they don't want to go.
I thought this was all being dealt with maturely but the second the girls don't want to go to his house he throws his toys out the pram and refuses to pay for them, he told them he is selling their Christmas presents, he called me a slag and my eldest daughter overheard and went mad which has made her even more reluctant to even speak to him, let alone go and stay with him.
Now the real tricky part...my youngest who isn't my Exs biological daughter (even though he's brought her up since I was 8 weeks pregnant, she even has his surname) is asking questions about her real dad. I knew this day would come but her real dad made it clear when he found out I was pregnant that he wasn't interested (he's since gone on to have 3 other children who he's happy to be a father to.)
I'm now at a crossroads. I don't know whether to bite the bullet and contact him and explain that I don't expect anything (he's never ever paid a single penny and as far as I know he hasn't even seen a picture of her) but tell him that this isn't about me and him, I'm not out to cause any trouble but she deserves to know the truth, or do I let sleeping dogs lie and wait until she's old enough to explain everything to properly? When o knew him 8 years ago he was an absolute ass so I'm swaying towards protecting her for as long as possible. I won't gain anything from telling him and her apart from piece of mind that she knows the truth and she knows I have done everything in my power to protect her.
I just feel lost right now so I can't imagine now my daughters feel.
What kind of questions is dd2 asking about her biological father? What is stopping you from answering them in an honest and age appropriate way? There is no need to 'explain everything', just answer the specific questions she asks.
IMO honesty is the best policy. Keeping things secret makes them a much bigger deal than they need to be.
She wants to know everything. Name, why he isn't there, has he got other children, what did she do...she's a really switched on girl. I'm worried what's effect it will all have on her, but that said, my intention was never to lie or hide things so I honestly is definitely the best policy. It's worked for me so far.
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