In tears - feel like I'm failing as a mum

(4 Posts)
coffeeisnectar Fri 22-Jan-16 16:11:04

Dd 2 is 10. Just had a call from her school to say another mum has brought in a letter my dd wrote to her dd that she was worried about.

She read the letter out over the phone and I broke down in tears. It tells of her dad's controlling behaviour, that he wouldn't let us go on holiday, that he isn't allowed to see her now because of a court order. She says she has no friends and would like to be friends with this girl. She says I am going into hospital and I'm going to die.

It's broken my heart. I've tried so hard to be the stability she needs but I've clearly failed. I have reassured her I will be home by weds/thurs next week yet she thinks I'm going to die. I am destroyed that she's so unhappy. I feel like I've failed to get her the help she needs despite constantly trying to get her seen by CAMHS for six years.

She has a referral appt in March. I'm seeing school on Monday before going for surgery. Please tell me what else I can do to help her. She almost definitely is on the spectrum and emotionally behind her years.

mumtosp Fri 22-Jan-16 19:14:25

Hi.. Not sure how helpful I am going to be, but I didn't want to read and run...
Firstly, please stop thinking that you have failed as a mum... You are in a difficult situation, but I am sure you are a lovely mum smile

Is it possible for her to come and see you at the hospital as soon as your surgery is done? That reduces the waiting period for her...

wineflowers

coffeeisnectar Fri 22-Jan-16 22:51:46

Thank you. The hospital is an hour away and with school and swimming commitments, weds is the earliest she can come. I've promised to call her on Tuesday evening after school to talk to her. My surgery is long so likely to be 9pm before I'm in recovery on Monday.

I tried to talk to her about the letter but she's adamant she's not worried about anything. She says she spoke to the teacher who called me but won't say any more.

Saphwoodman Sat 23-Jan-16 23:37:13

sad I can imagine how hard it would be to hear that, it would break my heart too. They are all things that aren't your fault though, you can't help that you're in hospital nor are you able to control her fathers actions. Unfortunately you can't do much apart from be there for her, always listen to her as well as ask her how she is and encourage her to talk. Also ensuring she gets the correct help.

It's not un heard of for children her age to suffer from anxiety depression etc, in pretty sure I did at that age and that was only 9 years ago! I have bipolar but was only diagnosed with that recently, before that and during my pre teen and teen years I suffered from social anxiety and mild depression. I had trouble making friends, I was scared to talk to people, constantly upset and feeling I had no body. I was bullied during middle school (psyical not just mental), I didn't have a mum or a dad as they lived abroad and I was left with my grandparents who where in their 60s, something I was constantly bullied for. I then started a new secondary school and was lucky, I had a lot of friends and was probably even considered "popular", but it made no difference to the way I felt. Always low depressed and nervous. My nan, bless her didn't really know about any of it and felt I couldn't speak to her so it went un seen too until I was 14 and tried to swallow nail polish remover which is when I got proper help! I don't mean to scare you with my story nor say your dd is the same or even similar. The point is I had no one there for me and didn't get help. If you're there for your daughter, she will not feel so alone I know if I had someone who asked me about my feelings at that time, I probably would have eventually told them. Also making sure she does see a doctor is the best thing you can do, it could mean that not only will she feel better now but it will prevent future problems like in my case. There might be nothing wrong, she might just be feelings hopeless because of the stress of you being in hospital, not being able to see her dad and feeling a bit socially out of place. Either way I would let a doctor judge if I was you.

Does she want to see her dad? Is there no way if that is the case, that it could be arranged in a contact centre or something?

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