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Nanny wants LO overnight but I'm not ready

(35 Posts)
HMF2016 Thu 21-Jan-16 13:58:23

I am in a same sex relationship, I only mention this so it makes sense when I refer to my OH as 'her' but that I carried our baby.

We were blessed last October with our first and likely only child after 4years of trying via IVF. My MIL has been too involved for me right from the moment we found out we were pregnant. In the early days of pregnancy we asked everyone to not buy anything without checking with us first as we had specific things we wanted and only a small flat, but this didn't stop her and many of the larger bits ended up forced on us.

When LO was born MIL was away on holiday so we got a few days to appreciate our son in peace but as soon as she returned she wanted to come round every 2-3 days, would invite herself and stay for hours. Even when politely asked to leave she would argue the case to stay and my OH was too polite to push which left me having to fight the case and be bad cop.

She doesn't come around ours unless invited now but my OH now feels an obligation to go to hers at least weekly (she only 20min up road). This is largely because she doesn't see her other grandkids as often as she used to and it feels like we are expected to fill the gap. MIL has even phoned OH complaining she hasn't seen LO in 'ages' - (a week) - then I get a call from OH at work asking if i can go round so MIL can see LO. When we / I go around MIL is very overbearing and hovering to have holds or wants to do all the nappy changes and be the one to get him to sleep.

Nanny is now asking OH when she can have LO overnight. He is only 3months old and the excuse so far has been down to me breastfeeding but we are weaning over to formula and OH has said possibly when he on formula 100%. But I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want LO away from us unless a necessity until he is much older (2or even 3 years) and talking. On top of this my MIL shares 3 bed house with two other family members and their partners so there is no room for us to stay with him and on top of that all 5 of them smoke but don't see this as an issue as the other grandkids used to stay all the time as babies.

Big rant but my main problems are these:
-- Nanny seems to think she has a right to have our son overnight, especially as she had her other grandchildren overnight when they were babies.
-- My OH sides more with her mum and thinks I'm being a neurotic mother and have a problem with her mum - but I wouldn't want him staying at my mums either right now without me.
-- All of my OH family live in the same city as us and I feel ganged up on when I try to put my point across, all my family are at least an hour away. It's clear my OH isn't prepared to stand up for my point of view. I do have a good relationship with my MIL, mostly down to my own patience, so how do I get my point across without appearing rude?
-- am I being unreasonable by insisting baby does not do overnights elsewhere?

Hedgehogsdontbite Thu 21-Jan-16 14:10:39

Nope you're not being unreasonable and you don't need a reason or to justify your decision. You are not ready to be separated from your baby overnight. End of discussion.

My DS is almost 3 and he hasn't been away from me overnight yet. Both grandmothers are perfectly capable but I just don't want it, so it doesn't happen.

BarbarianMum Thu 21-Jan-16 14:12:49

Your MiL has no right to have your lo overnight (or in fact at all).

Personally, I wasn't ready for my children to sleep away from home until they were 6 and 8 years old. We live close to all grandparents so no real need to and they didn't ask to until that age (they could have gone from 3/4+ if they'd wanted to). At 3mo? Under no circumstances except the hospitalisation of me and my husband both.

I think at 3mo (and for the forseeable future) your OH needs to respect your right to be "neurotic". And the 2 of you need to be on the same page wrt to what a good relationship with grandparents looks like (frequency of visits etc).

VimFuego101 Thu 21-Jan-16 14:17:21

The smokers would make it an immediate no from me, regardless of anything else. It is a genuine health risk. Can you ask your HV to discuss it with your partner and explain the risks to her?

bittapitta Thu 21-Jan-16 14:20:52

I've never heard of little babies staying with grandparents overnight except on Mumsnet! It's normal to leave it until toddlerhood imo. And then only when you need babysitting. Why does nanny want to? Would you and your partner appreciate the night off?

XingXingFox Thu 21-Jan-16 14:21:28

My MIL is pushing for this and I've refused and my daughter is 3 YEARS old! I spend weekends there as a compromise and have agreed to a family holiday with her and SIL and BIL so they were have treasured memories but I just don't see why it's necessary for her to stay overnight alone until she's at least school age. Not only that, my daughter would hate it. Unless both parents agree it's a no-go I say!

PotOfYoghurt Thu 21-Jan-16 14:24:11

Nothing useful to add except that before I opened the thread I was expecting it be your employed nanny wanting the baby overnight.

I was all ready for a bizarre-o thread. You've spoilt it.

LemonBreeland Thu 21-Jan-16 14:30:46

You are not being the unreasonable one. It is perfectly legitimate as a parent to want to spend time with your own baby. A caring Granny would offer to have the baby if you ever needed a night out/off. Not demnad to care for the baby when you have no need/wish for it to happen.

The smokers would be an absolute no for me though.

Laquila Thu 21-Jan-16 14:31:47

Hah that's what I expected, Pot!

OP, you aren't being unreasonable and as others have said, you don't need to justify yourself to your MIL, or indeed to anyone!!

As it happened, I EBF my son and was very very attached to him. I had my first night without him when he was around 8 months (he was with my husband) and I think he then had his first night apart from the two of us, with my mother, when he was about 20 months-ish, and that was because we had a wedding to attend. He's now 2.4yrs and has still only had about four nights at my mum's without us, and none at my MIL's! He'd be fine with my MIL, I'm sites but the point is that I don't particularly want him to stay there - there's plenty of time for that and I don't have to justify that to anyone either smile

I think your OH needs to try and understand and support you a bit more - It's horrible being bad cop with your in-laws, I hate doing it.

Jenijena Thu 21-Jan-16 14:39:51

YANBU. My son had a night away from us for the first time last summer, he was 3, and it was because we were involved in a volunteering activity (Scout camp) - my in laws picked him up from camp, and he slept in his own bed with ILs there.

I didn't have a night away from him til he was nearly 2 - and that was a work trip.

I'm not a neurotic mother. I went back to work full time when he was six months old, so its not a separation thing, its a 'the best place for my child is in his own house with his own parents' thing.

And my neighbours - who adore DS - have a house that reeks of smoke with very little ventilation. I don't like him spending an hour there, never mind overnight.

ivykaty44 Thu 21-Jan-16 14:47:58

The smoking would be a no from me. The problem with smoking is it is a poisonous chemical distributed on soft furnishings and clothes. So even if no smoking happens when baby is in the house it's still lingering around the baby.

If smoking is happening around babies they take more of the pollutants into their tiny bodies as they breath twice as fast as adults so it is more harmful.

MimsyBorogroves Thu 21-Jan-16 14:49:58

YANBU. I always think people who "need" to have other people's children (even if they are related to them!) without the child's parents being there are a bit weird. Makes me suspicious about what they're going to do (blatantly go against the parents own ways, in my mind). My parents are always happy to help if it's needed, but have never demanded.

MrsJayy Thu 21-Jan-16 14:54:43

Your son is only little he doesnt need to be away overnight however your Mil is excited about her grandbaby and likes to see him and if she is feeling unwelcome in your home then thats maybe why she wants him invite her up for dinner or whatever say no he isnt staying

MrsJayy Thu 21-Jan-16 14:56:24

Your partner does need to tell her mum to calm down though

MoreGilmoreGirls Thu 21-Jan-16 15:01:34

My DS is two and has never stayed anywhere overnight without me and yes the smoking would be a definite NO. You are not being unreasonable but I think the main problem here is your OH. She really needs to be taking your side. You are the parents your MIL has been the parent and now she needs to take a back seat and let you get on with it. I wonder why she does not see her other grandchildren??

Lweji Thu 21-Jan-16 15:03:52

I wouldn't have left my baby overnight with a grandparent just for the sake of it.
And grandparents who want the hassle of having a baby overnight are just plain mad, in my opinion.

But, I might welcome having a relaxed night with my partner when the baby is older. See how you feel, then, and make no promises.

Lweji Thu 21-Jan-16 15:04:35

Ups, missed the smoking.
That would be a no until DS was 18, then.

CultureSucksDownWords Thu 21-Jan-16 18:28:56

I agree with everyone else that the smoking would make it a straight no for that reason alone. Also, your baby needs you at night, not your MIL. Your MIL is putting her wants above the needs of your baby, which is not on. I also wouldn't appreciate the "neurotic" comments from your OH! It's normal, not neurotic.

strawberrybubblegum Thu 21-Jan-16 20:53:10

DD is 3 years old and hasn't yet spent a night away from me. My MIL has offered to have DD 'when we're ready' and I know she would love to have DD, but she's never pushed it. MIL is amazing, perfectly capable of looking after DD, and importantly DD adores her - but it just hasn't felt right yet.

DH is going to take DD to his parents for the weekend without me soon (a first!) and I imagine we might leave DD with them overnight in 6 months or so. I'm not saying I think it's necessary to wait until they are 3.5, but I don't think it's weird or neurotic!

Oh, and I totally get what you mean about the nappy changes too. I always wanted to do all the nappy changes when DD was tiny. Not really sure why - I just felt a really strong need to do the caring tasks for her. Even when she was older and we employed a nanny to care for her whilst I was at work, if her nappy needed to be changed before I left I always wanted to do it rather than ask her nanny to. I know not everyone feels that way though so perhaps I'm just a little weird/neurotic grin

ceeveebee Thu 21-Jan-16 20:59:27

I wouldn't even go round to her house if 5 people smoke there, never mind staying!

My twins are 4 and haven't yet had a night at their GPs without me there. They have had one overnight at their friends house when DH and I were going to a family wedding. 3 months old is far too young IMO

magpie17 Thu 21-Jan-16 21:26:23

I don't understand this leaving babies overnight for the sake of it thing. My DS has stayed at his grandparents when we went away overnight once but I wouldn't leave him there and then stay at home, what would be the point? My MIL also wants to have DS all the time but only when I'm not there, she also demands to change his nappy every time we are there whether it needs it or not and then carries him round with no clothes on. It's all very weird and I don't like it but I don't really know how to say so.

Sorry for the ramble but YANBU at all. I think some grandparents get a bit carried away and your DW needs to stand the ground for both of you. My DH does say stuff to his mum when he's there, but quite often he isn't and I never can find my voice to object.

HMF2016 Thu 21-Jan-16 21:27:39

Thank you all for your input. As a first time mum and not having my OH 100% on side I just needed some reassurance that my views were not unreasonable. I will continue to stand my ground.
Following the advice on here I have had further discussion with OH who seems to be a bit more understanding even if not completely there yet. But the short term result at least is LO will not be staying anywhere without at least one of us at this stage.

Kent1982 Thu 21-Jan-16 21:58:28

I have exactly the same, it hacks me right off but unfortunately it's not going to happen. My boy is now 10 month and I don't want him to stay away, I don't see why he needs to if I'm not desperately needing to be elsewhere. Anyway I evaded this and will continue to for a good while I just say "I don't really want to go anywhere" frankly she can bollocks. I'm not sure what she is planning on doing with the bambino, dressing him up maybe, showing off to her mates I just don't get it but the answer in still no. My oh would leave him in a heart beat.

I do let all the grand parents see him though every week 1 is a hassle as I spend quite a bit of travel time but I don't want them to miss out so I'm keeping it up

I'm back at work now and considering going out 1 night in the near future and I have in mind the appropriate granny I want for baby sitting and I will have them stay here. I want him to sleep here and be here when I get home and know where he is when he wakes up in the night.

kiki22 Sun 24-Jan-16 14:31:31

The smoking would be a no and you don't need to agree to anything. I've never had a problem with grandparents taking DS out or over night they just love him so much and want him all to themselves to spoil. I know they do all the things they shouldn't with him like give him sweets and let him rule the roost but what happens at nannas stays at nannas.

Maybe a compromise could be you let mil have DS for a while during the day little things like saying you need to pop for a food shop could she have him for an hour, it will make her feel needed and trusted. My mum always says her grandchildren just feel like extensions of us so I can understand why grandparents want to be involved so much.

It is up to you in the end

Gillian1980 Sun 24-Jan-16 20:12:20

You have no reason to justify your feelings or feel bad about them.

The smoking would make it a definite no for me. My DD is 6 months and has never been to my dads house even though he only lives 5 mins away, because he smokes like a chimney. He comes to us instead and always showers and changes clothes immediately before visiting so he's smoke free.

DD has never been away from us overnight and I've no intention of it happening anytime soon... I want to be with her. Its no reflection on the care she would receive from relatives but just that I don't want to leave her. We've had 2 evenings out in 6 months and I found that hard enough!

Stick to your guns and don't feel bad about it.

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