How to Talk - practical example

[ComeTalkToMe]

I've been having some issues with my 4 year old daughter's behaviour. I've read the book 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' and I'm trying to apply some of the techniques. Some of them work but I'm not sure what to do in this specific example and I hope anyone who's read it may be able to give me some tips:

When playing with her friends she's not sharing well, and if she doesn't get her own way she's shouting and grabbing. When I try to intervene she tends to go sky high and I can't calm her down. Any tips?

[UniversalTruth]

I haven't got the book to hand and it's a while since I read it so this might not be faithful it but I would talk to DD prior to next friend's visit saying you know it can be hard to share special toys sometimes (acknowledge emotion) but it is no fun if she doesn't share so which toys does she think are OK for sharing? If it still happens, I think the book advises saying you know it's not possible for everyone to play with the same toy so that's a problem but you're sure the friends can work it out by themselves, and then leave them to it.

Might this work?

[jessplussomeonenew]

Can't help from practical experience as DS is younger but I thought this was interesting advice for toddlers and it may be applicable for a 4yo: www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/social-intelligence/toddlers

It talks about not trying to push sharing as this can actually delay sharing, but to teach them about turn taking instead. I think part of the problem with "sharing" is that we use it for things that you do get back (sharing toys) and things that you don't (sharing food) which is potentially confusing. The other tips on grabbing etc seem interesting.

[RandomMess]

I think at 4 you go for "taking turns" rather than sharing, it's still a little abstract at that age what is "fair"

[UniversalTruth]

I hadn't heard this ^ about "sharing" being a confusing word - it makes sense though and I will use it, thanks.

[TheKitchenWitch]

A good tip I read on here years ago was to actually put away the most favourite and precious toys and decide together with the child which ones should be left out for everyone to play with.

[ComeTalkToMe]

Thanks guys, got a friend coming over tomorrow so I'll try this!

[weeblueberry]

This has been really helpful for me too. Thank you!!

[acattocatchat]

Agree with TheKitchenWitch - talk about it ahead of time, when she's calm. Get her to agree which are her special toys, that will get put away, and which are the ones she's happy to share with friends.

And always talk in the positive - rather than "you made so and so unhappy because you didn't take turns" go for "look how happy you made so and so when you gave her a turn!"

[YouMakeMyDreams]

I agree with the tackling it before hand and choosing special ones to put away. It's been a long time since I read the book but that is something I've always done with my 3. It has usually been fairly successful and they feel a bit morning control.

[Wigeon]

I quite like that book's emphasis on acknowledging feelings, even if they are unreasonable. Also, giving names to the child's feelings. So in this case you might say 'I can see you are getting really cross', 'you'd really like to play with this toy at the moment', 'you're feeling really angry because X is playing with your toy'. Even if those feelings might be unfair, unreasonable etc. I've had some success doing that because it can take the heat out of the situation and not create an argument about the child's reaction, so you can focus on what the problem is actually about.

And trying to involve the child in the problem solving (obviously in a different way for a 4 year old than an older child!). So maybe saying "you'd really like to play with X. Friend would really like to play with X". Shall we put X away for now and find another toy, or will Friend play with X for 5 mins and then you can?'

Now, if you can tell me what to do when my 7 yr old flies off the handle about nothing in particular...!