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Really upset by what dd8 has just done

(27 Posts)
Bellenddingdong Tue 12-Jan-16 21:35:26

We were just doing the bed time routine when she called her older sister booby face. Which is nothing unusual for an eight year old to do but when she was called it the other day she had the biggest strop and sulk. I told her tonight that she shouldn't call people names she doesn't like to be called herself. Then she started arguing the toss about name calling.

Then Both dds were getting ready for bed when she then started flicking water at her sister and making this foul noise in her face. DH told her to stop otherwise she would go straight to bed. She didn't stop so DH put her to bed.

She then had a massive tantrum in her bed. Screaming she was hungry thirsty and all the rest. I took her water and just left her to it. She carried on the tantrum but then she started slapping her own face over and over again telling herself she is stupid.

This is what has upset me. The fact she was slapping her face. DH went up at this point told her firmly to stop it, calm down and go to sleep. Which worked.

I am worried and can't work out whether she had just reached an uncontrollable peak or whether she thinks she deserves to slap herself.

For the record she is the most loving, well behaved and polite little girl. We have never called her stupid and never hit her. Her behaviour has been challenging since Christmas and we have dealt with it by sending her to bedroom or reducing iPad time.

Can anyone help please. Her sister is 9 and is also a lovely delightful girl.

Can anyone help please, it was horrid to see and hear her. I so want to go in and hug her all night.

NewLife4Me Tue 12-Jan-16 21:41:28

Ah bless, didn't want to read and run.
I know what it's like to want to go in and hug them all night, but no idea about the slapping, sorry.

Maybe, she was frustrated at herself because she hasn't learned a particular lesson, and it has just dawned on her how silly she has been.

JontyDoggle37 Tue 12-Jan-16 21:44:05

So sorry to hear this is happening. The one thing that stands out to me is 'what happened at Christmas?'. Her behaviour is fairly extreme and if it clearly started after Christmas, I would be looking to the cause.

Psychmumma Tue 12-Jan-16 21:44:16

Hi.
Sounds distressing to have witnessed.
Would suggest that she is going through some emotional shifts. Have you discussed all of the "growing up" type chat with her yet? Strange and overwhelming emotions? Pushing boundaries?
As for the slapping herself and calling herself stupid- sounds like a tantrum - not nice but ultimately a reaction to her internal feelings and an attention grabbing display. Go easy on her but do discuss it.
When you say that she's otherwise lovely; this can be a huge thing for girls- the conflict of having / perhaps naturally being lovely versus internal rage / frustration etc and how they go about expressing and dealing with that.
Lastly, try hard not to take it personally ("we've never hit her or called her stupid") kids most definitely have thoughts / feelings/ behaviours/ influences / relationships outside of the family home that go towards the way that they see themselves and how they perceive that they should be.

Bellenddingdong Tue 12-Jan-16 21:45:14

Thank you for replying. I hope that's how she feels. I am going to chat with her tomorrow. I don't know whether to speak to her about the slapping, I don't want to think that doing it draws attention or do I just ignore it.

Why does being a mum bring so much guilt ?

Caravanoflove Tue 12-Jan-16 21:47:10

Google love bombing, works better than constant punishments

Psychmumma Tue 12-Jan-16 21:48:12

How about something like "it's concerning to see you go at yourself like you did. Did it hurt? What was making you react like that?" In the least judgemental tone you can master?

Bellenddingdong Tue 12-Jan-16 21:52:05

Jonty - nothing happened at Christmas we had a lovely quiet time, she started being cheeky, eye rolling and stomping off. I think I maybe noticed it more because of the time we spent together. All of us together all of the time.

Psych - thank you, that makes sense. Now it's all calm I can see she had a tantrum, was being ignored and was lashing out. Not nice to see but I will chat tomorrow.

Bellenddingdong Tue 12-Jan-16 21:54:12

I will go and research love bombing.

cleaty Tue 12-Jan-16 22:19:59

I remember doing something similar at her age and it totally shocked my mum. From memory, I was overwhelmed with feelings I didn't know how to express.

peppielillyan Tue 12-Jan-16 22:25:20

Dear Mommy, it sounds to me your girl is in the stage of gaining confidence, self-reliance, resilience and responsibilities. You must respect her, acknowledge her feelings, and make her feel heard and understood.

ps: lucky mom you are with 8 or more kids! flowers

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 22:27:12

it sounds a typical tween tantrum to me

so much anger and nowhere to go with it

I wouldn't make a huge thing about it, tbh

christinarossetti Tue 12-Jan-16 22:28:46

When my dd turned 8, it was like Harry Enfield's Kevin the Teenager. Honestly, the clock struck midnight, the eyes rolled, the door slammed, she packed her bag to leave home etc.

She's ordinarily pretty highly strung, but this was something different. It lasted a few months and settled down. I think it was some sort of move towards independence and thinking about things differently (it is pretty stupid to call someone booby face then have a tantrum, for example, and she knows this in a different way to when she was younger). Also, something a bit hormonal inasmuch that the scale of the tantrums didn't really correspond to the scale of the trigger.

I think psychmumma gentle suggestions sound about right.

BertrandRussell Tue 12-Jan-16 22:32:35

Is she asleep? If not, I would go and get into bed with her for a while.

We used to talk (very ickily, sorry!) of "filling up the cuddle tanks" after a stormy interlude. Both parent and child needed cuddles.........

Bellenddingdong Tue 12-Jan-16 22:34:52

Thank you for all your replies. I will have a chat in the morning. Has anybody tried love bombing ? Does it work?

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jan-16 22:36:02

depends which way you look at it

some would call it "rewarding good behaviour"

I prefer the "ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good" approach myself

Bellenddingdong Tue 12-Jan-16 22:38:01

Bert yes she is asleep. I am gonna give lots of cuddles tomorrow. I have just whispered in her ear how much I love her and hopefully she will hear it on some kind of sub-conscious level!

fidel1ne Tue 12-Jan-16 22:41:53

ps: lucky mom you are with 8 or more kids!

Erm, I think the DD is 8 years old, peppie grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 12-Jan-16 23:29:39

Bellend - DS1 is also 8 and occasionally does similar, in terms of berating himself, although he doesn't tend to hit himself in the face so much. When he does it, it's out of sheer frustration with himself, usually - he is generally a pretty well-behaved little boy, and so when he oversteps the behaviour line and gets told off for it, he gets upset and angry with himself.

He doesn't know why he sometimes can't behave - it's just "stuff" inside that makes him do the wrong thing, he says - but dealing with it rationally isn't really possible for him at this age. We talk about it so he can try and express what he feels in words rather than being so frustrated, but it's not easy for him. And of course I reassure him that we love him, regardless - just not always his behaviour!

Bellenddingdong Wed 13-Jan-16 06:38:30

peppie sorry for the confusion, yes I meant dd is 8 years old, I don't have 8 children!

Just waiting for dd to get up I am dying to give her a cuddle.

differentnameforthis Wed 13-Jan-16 08:56:48

My daughter slaps herself in the face like this. She 7. Has done it for some time.

I have spoken to her teacher about it, and have seen a child health professional about it.

What I have learnt
1] telling her stop won't help
2] asking her stop won't help
3] yelling won't help
4] crying won't help
5] pleading won't help
6] begging her to stop because you are terrified she will mark herself & her teacher will think you did it, won't help

#6 is why I talked to her teacher & why I saw the health professional, so it is logged that she has a habit of doing this, and if she marks herself, people know that she does this sad

She also calls herself stupid. It is, I believe, a control thing.

I don't react to it anymore. I change the subject & stay calm. It usually happens during an outburst. When she is feeling out of control & can't communicate what she wants. Once she has calmed down, she collapses into proper heartbreaking sobs sad saying sorry, over and over.

There is no reason for this, other than being 7 & not being able to control every aspect of her life.

differentnameforthis Wed 13-Jan-16 09:00:44

It is hard to see, in fact, it has me sad just talking about it.

She is very smart, memory like nothing I have known before, beautiful little soul, to see her hurt her self is heartbreaking.

And of course, I worry that self harm might become an issue as she ages. The person I saw say that isn't likely...but you now, that thoughts are always there...

Figwin Wed 13-Jan-16 09:14:28

Like others suggested. Ask her about the slapping in the middle of the chat, I noticed you hit your self and said you were stupid, why did you think that, what were you feeling etc. give her ways to deal with that bubbling frustrating feeling that then turn into a tantrum. Don't worry, either. This is more common than you think.

peppielillyan Wed 13-Jan-16 11:54:53

I remember myself scratching my face with my nails every time i was disappointed and angry at myself.... the cure for that is love and respect.

Bellenddingdong Wed 13-Jan-16 13:28:37

Thank you all for your replies. We had a chat this morning and she said she hit herself because she felt she deserved it. It's hard to hear that.

We have decided one two code words, one which we use when she is being the loveliest 8 year old in the whole world and one when I can see she's over stepping the mark. We had lots of cuddles this morning too.

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