Positive parenting - What could I have done differently here?(11 Posts)
I started reading about some positive parenting techniques when my second (6 month DD) was born and it's been really successful so far with DS (2.3). The main thing I try and do is connect with him first when he's upset/angry/frustrated and name the feeling, then calmly explain what's going to happen next. It has hugely reduced his tantrums.
Yesterday, we were at soft play and I had the baby in a sling. I gave DS a warning that we would be heading home after he'd had one more slide - we could watch Aladdin when we got home (side question: does this count as a bribe?!!)
He was totally happy with that and we made our way back to our wellies/coats. Then he just legged it up the stairs, looking at me all the while. I firmly told him it was time to go, he ignored me. I couldn't think of an immediate consequence at that minute so I said we wouldn't be watching any television when we got home. I didn't go on about it but couldn't chase around after him either because of DD. He ran around (and around and around) a bit more then eventually came back.
We got home and he asked for Aladdin. I calmly said "remember when we were at soft play I told you it was time to go home and you ran away? Because of that, we can't watch any television." He had a small hissy fit and I offered him a couple of alternatives and he sat stickering at the table while I cooked.
Could I have handled that any better? I felt like because I'd already said he could no longer watch TV, he thought he had nothing to lose so carried on running. Should I have said "come down now or you won't watch TV" instead? What if he didn't? Obviously he wouldn't have been able to watch anything, but do I just ignore the running off?
Thanks for any insight!
I found that threats of no TV when we get home didn't work until DS was 3+ as before then he didn't understand the connection. If I have no alternative at all then I say something like "I'm counting to three and if I get to three I'm going to get really cross.." Then count really slowly, reminding at every number and stopping as soon as he starts to do as I asked (not when completed like dh!) - the objective for me is to get ds to do whatever it is, and not have to get cross. If I do get to three and have to get cross (hopefully rare) then it usually shocks ds into behaving!
Doesn't always work, not sure anything does 100% of the time with toddlers
If he didn't trash the house at being told "No Aladdin" then you did great. (bitter emoticon here)
You did fantastic! I think it was a good consequence as had been looking forward to it. I love it that you gave him other options too and he did sticking. Running back in isn't a huge deal but it is not listening so I think you did the right thing. Personally I don't think threats work very well so I wouldn't bother with the whole 'if you don't come back X will happen'. He'd already ran off so that's the consequence. Well done
Thanks for the reassurance! They're bloody hard work aren't they?!
lljkk mine's definitely upended a few tables and chairs in his time
You stuck to what you said and that's great! I think lots of mums (no judgement of course) threaten no tv for example and then give in anyway which I imagine will lead to the child not taking future threats seriously. I think it's important to stick to your word in those situations.
My LO is only 1 but I like readings these posts for future tips!
What you did worked so well done!
I am a MASSIVE fan of the 123magic technique. If you were following this you would have asked your DS to come back when he ran off. He ignored you so you would have said 'that's 1" (no emotion in your voice, no explanations or threats either). He continued to ignore you "that's 2". He stayed away "that's 3". Then when you got him back he would have had to sit down for 2 mins with no interaction from you. Time up, you hug and it's all over.
It sounds like it won't work but obviously once it is learnt by all the family it is a real calming down technique. Your DS is unable to link events together due to his age so threats and delayed punishments make no sense. The author (not me!) explains all the science/psychology behind it.
My strong willed DD1 who is 5 can still be stopped in her tracks with a "that's 1." Although we have strayed into bad Italian accents with "that's-a-one, that's-a-two..."
sounds good to me ,op. If he does it again you cd set up a reward chart , so if he meets the goal e.g. leaves when asked, he gets a star and when he has 3 stars he chooses a small prize . No removing stars for failures- just don't get that one. I'm a huge fan of ignoring what i do not want to reinforce by giving attention. Altho not always possible for safety reasons.
The 123 thing sounds like it's a pointless exercise.
Ha ha, maybe I didn't explain the 1,2,3 thing properly. It DOES work!
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