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Daughter refusing to go to school

(13 Posts)
RitaOra2 Wed 06-Jan-16 08:25:44

My 11 yr old DD is refusing to go to school today. She started at high school in September, with few friends. She reckons that in class no-one will sit next to her or talk to her and she is on her own the whole time. I know she has some friends that she meets at lunch but that is all. She is very shy and believes that no-one likes her because she is boring, ugly etc. However I know she speaks very quietly and does not smile or look people in the eye, so even though she is really nice, its not coming across and is getting worse. I don't know what to do, she didn't sleep last night for worrying and now says she is too tired to cope and refuses to go in today. Also, home life is unsettled which doesnt help at all. Do you think I should just say she is sick, or be honest with the school, or make her go in? Thanks

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 06-Jan-16 08:27:59

Be honest, say about the other kids.
See if she can move class.

BigginsforPope Wed 06-Jan-16 08:31:32

Talk to the school - be honest with them. We have had similar problems with our DD when she started year 7 last year. The school have been brilliant at helping DD cope with the transition as she went with no one from her primary. Even now in yr 8 she still has wobbles but the school have worked really hard to help her settle.

BigginsforPope Wed 06-Jan-16 08:33:32

Also as hard as it seems I would not be phoning in sick for her or letting her have time off unless she is ill. It is like putting off the inevitable and made it worse for our dd as she then got really anxious about returning to class but again school really helped.

VulcanWoman Wed 06-Jan-16 08:33:55

I'd let her have the day off, then make plans with her and then the school if needed on how to move forward. Best wishes.

PennyHasNoSurname Wed 06-Jan-16 08:41:41

I absoloutley wouldnt allow her the day off. She is legally bound to attend school or homeschool so that would be point one. Similarly id be saying that if I didnt get on with my work colleagues I couldnt just take the day off.

She isnt going to be liked by everyone. Sheisnt going to like everyone. The sharper she accepts that the easier her life will be.

I think an appointment with the school is in order. Id also look to expanding her extra curricular activities if she doesnt already do anything. Whatever interest her really - crafts, a sport, book club, anything. This will widen her pool of potential friends and hopefully encourage her out of her shell more.

LumpyMattress Wed 06-Jan-16 09:04:45

Your poor dd. my heart really goes out to you both. Is she at school op?
I think penny is a bit harsh- your dd isn't expecting to be liked by all, just not to feel alone.

Probably too late for today but in this scenario I would be a) contacting the school to try to get a buddy/ pastoral support set up immediately
B) empathising with dd but explaining that things just get harder to face if we don't face them immediately. Could you offer a little outing eg hot choc in a cafe after school as something to look forward to after school and a proper chat then?
C) I suggest looking on line for resources / ideas to support self esteem and do some practical role play etc to help dd rehearse for those tricky moments eg what to say/ do when no one is sitting next to her. (Lots on amazon )

RitaOra2 Wed 06-Jan-16 14:52:01

Thank you for the advice which is all really helpful. I spent time talking to her this morning, tried to teach her a few 'couldn't give a toss' strategies and managed to get her to go in for the afternoon. I have also left a message for the teacher to call me, so hopefully I will deal with this!!!xx

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 08-Jan-16 16:30:01

Any joy with school?

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 08-Jan-16 16:40:34

I know it's hard for kids (it was for me, certainly), but the message about school should really be "you can't NOT go in because you don't have someone to socialise with - you go there to learn". I realise that sounds hard line, but it's not a social event that she can skip when she doesn't feel like it.

You're absolutely doing the right thing to discuss this with the teacher. I hope she can make some friends soon.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 08-Jan-16 16:57:24

Children don't Learn anything when they're unhappy!!

TheLesserSpottedBee Fri 08-Jan-16 17:58:05

Well Sally I must be the exception to that rule because I hated every minute of secondary school and went on to get a degree grin That was a long time ago, when teachers could call you names and make fun of you and it was just accepted.

Yes it is awful when your child is unhappy. Letting school know was the best thing you could do as well as sending her in.

We had a direct phone line and email to Ds1's year 7 head of year who also oversaw transition. The contact was mainly because Ds1 has gone to a school that only 1 other child from his primary went to. We were worried about friendships not academic ability.

He is now in year 8 and thriving with a nice group of friends. Any issues were sorted immediately and Ds1 was talked to afterwards by staff to make sure he was happy with what had taken place.

Hopefully your daughter will also have a positive outcome.

You may want to post in secondary education too where that board is more specifically about issues in secondary.

LumpyMattress Fri 08-Jan-16 19:14:32

how is your dd now, rita? been thinking of you smile

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