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Do you regret making a "rod for your own back" with your DC?

(65 Posts)
Hootthatnanny Tue 05-Jan-16 08:04:11

Most people on here seem to dismiss the idea but then when I read a thread about things you'd do differently with your 2nd dc a lot of posters said they would not feed to sleep the second time round.

I'm a ftm with an 8 week old, I currently co sleep and breastfeed to sleep, i also pretty much get my boob out whenever she's upset and i can't seem to comfort her with cuddles despite knowing she's not hungry. I tend to pick her up the minute she starts grumbling too.

Just wondering if there is any truth in the rod & back thing? I'm pretty much happy to go with the flow but at the same time would love to have more than 4 hours uninterrupted sleep at some point!

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Tue 05-Jan-16 08:10:31

My DD is only a year but I fed to sleep, rocked to sleep, picked her up when she cried etc
I still have to do all those things but I am happy with our arrangement and she's a happy smiling little thing.
I am a sahm and so if we have a bad nights sleep I get into bed with her (there is a double bed in her room) and I don't have to worry about getting up for work.
Btw I'd say if at 8 weeks you're getting 4hr blocks of sleep then that's pretty good!

SweetAdeline Tue 05-Jan-16 08:19:39

I was the opposite with my first I tried to avoid feeding to sleep, never coslept, own room at 6 weeks, all naps in cot, cc at 6 months. She is still not a very good sleeper at nearly 4.

With dc2 I thought fuck it I'll just do what works at this moment in time and not worry about it. He slept on my chest until he was 3 months, all naps he was rocked to sleep in his pushchair, fed to sleep at bedtimes, coslept when he wouldn't settle and slept in the same room as us at all times until 6 months except for the odd five mins here and there.
He is nearly 2 and for well over a year has slept 7pm-8.30am with no waking.

I regret worrying so much about bad habits with Dc1 when it clearly made no difference.

jimijack Tue 05-Jan-16 08:30:19

Yeah, truth be told I do regret doing lots of stuff with both of my kids.

Ds 1 I was a slave to his strict routine, it was detrimental to my own mh and contributed (I think) to my pnd.

I strongly believed in a nap/sleep routine ,despite this I averaged 2~3 hour's sleep a night and worked. He did not sleep a full night through until he was 5 & at school, I was literally a walking corpse.
We HAD to home for 11am for his nap in his cot, bedtime routine was set in stone, so we/I never ever went out .....not good.
Strict with his diet/fluids, tv time, social activities.
He is 12 now, whatever we did back then has made fuck all difference to anything, so it was all literally for nothing.

Ds2 very different, very very relaxed. No real routine, better but kinda wish i had some structure, for example I am still breast feeding him & he will be 3 in a couple of weeks. No need to rush, no reason to stop. He isn't potty trained yet (not ready to be fair) ds 1 was trained by 2, strict regime again.
Eats more rubbish than ds 1 ever did.

Sigh, I never learn I suppose, but I am 100% happier this time, no ad`s no pnd, enjoying my son, getting marginally more sleep (about 5hours a night) another non sleeper unfortunately, but I've changed job & can cope better with the lack of sleep.

Meh, you never get it right, no matter what you do I find.

Eminybob Tue 05-Jan-16 08:33:36

I believe in do what works. I fed and rocked DS to sleep, I sometimes still rock him to sleep for his nap (he's 18 months blush) and I even still give him a bottle at night.

He's a wonderful sleeper, very happy and content and I've enjoyed it too. I don't get the rod for your own back thing as long as it's not causing you any problems.

RNBrie Tue 05-Jan-16 08:35:09

We definitely did with Dc1. We rocked her to sleep as a baby but then as she got older (and bigger) it took longer and longer and she was getting really heavy! By 6 months it took 45 mins and if she woke up whilst being put down, it was another 45 mins. She woke regularly during the night, so 45 mins again. It was back breaking. Weaning her off the rocking was hell.

We didn't make the same mistake with dc2!

wigglybeezer Tue 05-Jan-16 08:36:28

I regret not being stricter about tidiness, I wanted to be more laid back than my overly house proud DM.

My house is very rarely tidy with three teens in the house and this makes cleaning and organisation harder.

ginmakesitallok Tue 05-Jan-16 08:37:50

Nope, I fed to sleep, co-slept occasionally, fed on demand, picked up and cuddled my babies when they cried, and basically "spoiled" them (according to mil). They both got into their own routines and slept through, now 6 and 12 and are fabulous girls.

Bertieboo1 Tue 05-Jan-16 08:41:36

I think you can try 'forcing' strict regimes but tbh I think this adds a lot of stress to an already stressful and tiring period of your life. I am also co sleeping and bfeeding DS2 and loving the cuddles. We got DS1 into his own bed at 5 months and he sleeps well now - just do what feels right!

SolsburyHell Tue 05-Jan-16 08:50:24

Dc1 was a Velcro baby, completely unputdownable and I bfed him to sleep and reluctantly co slept but we did some sleep training around 8 months and he's a great sleeper now.

Dc2, I swore I wasn't going to make the same mistakes and tried successfully to avoid a feed to sleep association. It's made absolutely zero difference, she's still a crap sleeper and although she was in her own bed up until 8 months, separation anxiety kicked in and she started waking every few minutes repeatedly for weeks until I caved and brought her in with us. She still co sleeps from about 10pm every night now (12 months) much to my dismay. Problem is, it's much harder to do sleep training with dc2 when dc1 is in the next door bedroom.

uhoh2016 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:00:56

I don't think it's that you consciously decide not to do it that way round with the 2nd baby it's Just with a toddler running round it's not practical and sometimes dc2 gets left to cry hopefully self settle as you see to Dc1.
Don't worry about making a rod for your own back each baby is different there's no right or wrong way it's just whatever works for you and your baby. Unfortunately this newborn time flies and doesn't last forever enjoy your newborn baby cuddles

Wigeon Tue 05-Jan-16 09:06:38

I was the opposite - with DD2 I coslept/ cuddled to sleep more than with DD1 because I just needed as much sleep as I could get, and tormented myself trying to get DD1 to sleep in her own Moses / cot. And DD2 slept through about the same point as DD1, so I don't feel I made a rod for my back at all. And I saved myself the angst / effort / lack if sleep / general frustration! They are now both perfectly good sleepers.

meringue33 Tue 05-Jan-16 09:10:44

Feeding to sleep is what mammals do. Just look at a pic of sleepy nursing puppies or kittens.

When you are ready to stop bf, you will find another way to help baby sleep. S/he will adapt.

I would recommend at that stage however that you try to encourage baby to fall asleep in cot. We did end up with a 2 year old who still had to be rocked to sleep in a chair, that was madness and definitely a rod for our own backs!

timelytess Tue 05-Jan-16 09:31:34

Just wondering if there is any truth in the rod & back thing?
No. Its the same pile of crap it was in June 1982 when the maternity ward staff tried it on me. They followed it by "You'll be back in here in a few weeks, over-tired, without your baby." No, you fucking bastards, I wasn't.

I did what you do now, OP, fed whenever needed. It helped to think that for a baby, breastfeeding is more akin to breathing than to having a meal. You're alive, its what you do.

I'll tell you how good your way is. Breastfed till four, my dd grew up intelligent, capable and independent. And when she had a baby she had no problems breastfeeding, exclusively, on demand, and is still feeding her own beautiful four year old. I knew I was right (read 'The Continuum Concept') and I've had time to see it played out in the next generations.

No, you aren't making a rod for your own back. The people who are doing that are those who are making their children feel second best by not putting their needs first. You aren't doing that.

SirBoobAlot Tue 05-Jan-16 09:37:07

I breastfed, co slept, BLW, no real routine until he started playschool - I'd do exactly the same thing again.

The rod for your own back thing is bollocks. She's eight weeks old - four hours sleep at a time is pretty average, and it will get longer at some point, regardless of what you're doing.

JasperDamerel Tue 05-Jan-16 09:46:50

I have no regrets over feeding to sleep, but I do think that an earlier routine of chores and a bit more enforcement of good manners when they were very little might have been handy, but looking back I had other priorities at the time and I would probably do the same thing over again.

catkind Tue 05-Jan-16 09:48:55

What I regretted with DS was not cosleeping and feeding to sleep sooner. We only started around 1. Despite my best efforts at doing everything by the book he wasn't sleeping in 4 hr chunks even then in a cot. Could have saved so many battles and got so much more sleep. I try not to read too much into it, but DD who coslept from birth is a much happier and more laid back child.

5madthings Tue 05-Jan-16 09:55:09

Nope if anything I regret that with ds1 I spent too long trying to get him to have a routine and sleep in his cot. With the next four I didn't bother just fed on demand, Co slept etc.

They are 16, 13, 11, 7 and 5 now and believe me they grow up so quickly.

I am 27 wks preg with bonus no 6 and looking forward to sleepy snuggles, and even.bfeeding etc again, don't get me wrong I also know it will be knackering at times though I will have the advantage of being able to nap with baby whilst big ones are at school but despite the hard work it is lovely as well.

BertrandRussell Tue 05-Jan-16 09:58:50

I don't know anyone who regrets cuddling and co sleeping!

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Jan-16 10:38:22

At 8 weeks I regret doing nothing that worked at the time.

With ds2 I wish we'd got him sleeping on his own and sleeping through (the 2 were connected) a lot sooner. 4 years of disturbed sleep were tough.

Hootthatnanny Tue 05-Jan-16 10:38:30

This is all very reassuring thanks everyone! I guess I'll just keep doing what hat feels right.

It's easy to second guess what you're doing when people love to give their opinions all the time!

slugseatlettuce Tue 05-Jan-16 10:44:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chrysanthemum5 Tue 05-Jan-16 10:47:06

I think what you do doesn't matter as long as you're prepared to do it for as long as your child wants (wants not needs). Problems arise when things that were ok with a baby or toddler don't seem ok with an older child - often because the parents feel embarrassed by their child not sleeping etc. so they try to make drastic changes to what they do and it's just not fair on the child.

My advice is to do what you want but make sure you don't complain (because that lets people offer 'advice') and commit to carrying on with it as long as required. Equally if you're someone who needs sleep or craves a routine then that's also finesmile

Moving15 Tue 05-Jan-16 10:53:16

Do whatever you like, whatever works for you and your baby. My mum had five and she says she cared for us all the same way as babies, some slept, some stayed attached to her until they were 2! I think this is broadly speaking true and we should waste energy obsessing about routines and structure.
My first was a clockwork baby, fed every 4 hours, gurgled himself to sleep in his cot from the beginning. I thought I was such a brilliant mum. Then number two arrived and only slept on us, attached to the boob for 23 hours a day. Moved out of our bed age 3.5, out of our bedroom age 4. Reality check for me!! Each baby needs different things and fulfilling those needs is the most important thing.

Moving15 Tue 05-Jan-16 10:54:12

Oops! *shouldn't waste time obsessing!

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