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HELP INLAWS :@ :( long ranting post beware!(25 Posts)
I can't be the only one who feels like I don't ever want my child to see my inlaws again? Don't get me wrong I feel lucky he has such a big family who loves him dearly, but mum knows best right? Apparently not in my case, I'm a first time mum to a little boy who is now 9 months old, still breastfeeding, although that's frowned upon by the inlaws, especially if I do it in public :O. Let's start from the beginning before my son was born before I was even pregnant we all had such a good relationship, now I feel as though they're trying to take over on how I choose to parent my son, he still wakes for night feeds no biggy to me, but from 1 month old they were telling me to just give him water at night, even got my partner to start asking me to do that (I never did) being a first time mum everything's scary you listen to your health visitors advice when they say no solids until 6 months because of this that and the other you follow those guidelines, inlaws were trying to push me into letting him have solids (chocolate cake) at 3+1/2 months old, when I said no it was 'oh your going to be one of those mums' I could go on all day. Now a fresh in much mind issue, Christmas Day this year and how do I resolve this situation? On arriving at my mother inlaws we wait for her to get her dogs out of the way before walking in as they jump up wether babs is in my arms or not (German shepherds) so my gran in law says why don't you go in, I said I'm waiting for her to get the dogs back to which she replied, "I meant the porch are you thick or something I hope that poor boy turns out nothing like you." Later on we had a bit of a bust up as she said my son will never look anything like me he's his dad all over. Come on we're his parents of course he's going to look like both of us, in fact he's identical to myself as a baby. My father in law wanted to take him to the car park to meet his aunt from the car, it was cold out its December so I asked him to put his jacket on to which he replied no he's with grandad he's fine and didn't take his jacket, so I asked my partner to take the jacket to him, he told me to chill out and just leave it. Although my son had just gotten over his first cold 2 days previous. After that father in law started feeding babs a 7 tierd chocolate gateaux, I mean I'm not completely strict I didn't mind him having a little taster, but when me and my partner asked him to stop feeding it to him he wouldn't, me and my partner said he's never had anything so rich before and don't want him poorly visiting my family the following day, he carried on still, and when told to stop again we got the whole he's with grandad he's fine, I get to hand him back so I'm not the one cleaning up poo and sick all night. SERIOUSLY.? You'd make your grandson poorly on purpose because it's funny for mum and dad to be up all night? Grrr.. Can I breastfeed for ever so I always have an excuse as to why he can't go off with them without me? lol. Seriously I don't know what to do, partner doesn't stick up for me when I told him what his gran had said hurt me, he said she was only joking around don't take it to heart, joking isn't arguing until your blue in the face that your great grandson will never look like his mum. Any advice? Sorry for the long post just wanted to give some better insight into the gran in law and father in law x
Ps, any one get tierd of the "back in my day" speech when you choose not to feed solids before 6 months or any other issues lol.
They sound dreadful.
3 and a half months is early no matter what age you weaned at. 4 months or 6 months.
certainly I'd he pissed off if anyone attempted to pile a ton of gateaux into my child at the ages they are now let alone as a baby.
and no matter how relaxed you are I don't think a gateaux is suitable food for a baby who's been ill and probably not eaten properly.
they sound weird if I'm honest
It's been said before and it will be said again. Many, many times. Your problem is with your partner. Until he learns to put you first and tell his family to fuck off it will always be like this. They have to be put in their place but it has to come from him. If it comes from you they won't take you seriously. If it comes from him it is a united front.
I'm sorry. In-laws can be bloody awful.
Sort out your husband being a weak father and everything else will get better.
I think you need to stand up to them, politely but firmly. When they do something you disagree with say no and remove the baby, just stay calm. You could alternatively use the tinkly laugh ie 'baby can't eat that, hee hee hee'.
If your MIL is rude ask her to repeat herself and/or you could say something like 'as long as baby is a kind person I will be happy'.
I agree its your husband you need to speak to. Tell him you wont visit unless he steps up pronto.
What awful, awful people.
I would not want to have anything to do with them either. Your FiL was bang out of order, what is wrong with him? Didn't your MiL say anything to him?
I agree with your DH having to step up and support you.
I would not be leaving my LO with ILs for 5 minutes let alone over night
and I am a MiL too
Stay strong and follow your instincts.
Your Inlaws sound unbearable however your cowardly OH is the one to blame. How does he move about freely with the umbilical cord still attached?
Id agree with repeating - `you hope he turns out nothing like me?` .... then turn round and leave.
Your problem is with your partner
But you know this already...
To be honest I've always been a timid person I hate confrontation of any sort, but when it comes to my son I find it hard to hold back, when gran in law said I'm thick and she hopes he turns out nothing like me, I did reply with well better he turns out like me then anyone else in his gene pool. No disrespect to anyone, but his sister is 29 and been on the doll since 16, his brother is 31 still lives with his mum doesn't work and sits in his room on the play station all day smoking weed, all of my family work hard and never do drugs including myself, so why would any one want my son to be like them and not me beats me lol. I've tried talking to the oh, but it's like talking to a brick wall, his and there upbringing was completely different to mine, we've been together ever since we were 16+17, now 24+25, some days I feel like packing up and moving abroad and telling no one just to get away from them, I've often thought about leaving my partner for not sticking up for me with his family as its unbearable but then I remember he would have some custody which means time with them with out me.... My sister in law has a daughter and all they do is slag off her parenting to us, so I'd love to know what's said about me to her.
Your baby your rules, my in laws are exactly the same. I openly admit I'm a bit of a dragon at times but having DS1 made me vulnerable and mil totally exploited that. It's hard but limit contact, if they do anything that makes you uncomfortable and ignore you when you tell them to stop then it's a case of saying 'Silly gran/grandad doesn't understand NO means NO' picking baby up and walking away from the situation.
I'd just like to add when I said I don't mind a little taster of the gateaux, I didn't mean a spoonful I meant a taster on the tip of a finger, i wouldn't dream of giving him any more then that at his age. Not that I got a choice in the matter. I even tried taking my baby from father in laws arms, to which he turned his back on me and put another spoonful in his mouth. 😩
Why didnt you leave? They will slag you off reguardless ... make it worth their while!!!
You need to find your tiger mom!! And start roaring,
Coming from a similar situation with pils the best advice I can give is to take a step back, smile, nod and let things wash over you. I'm terrible at brooding on things but I am trying hard to follow this advice with my own pils. All the unwanted advice etc, smile politely and say 'sure' 'I might give that a go' etc and put it out of your mind. The nasty comments just ignore as best as you can. Try not to think about what they might say to your sil, they sound awful so who cares what they think.
The more serious matter IMO is that you have considered keabvinf the country to get away from your dp! Is he just bad when it comes to sticking up for you against his family or are there other issues?
That what I have been doing up until now, playing nice. Mm I love my partner of course, there are a few issues, probably more in my head then anything, just silly little things for example, he's a great dad you can see how much he loves our son, but I don't do the whole let baby cry thing, nothing against any one that does its just not my thing, tbf little one is such a happy chappy he only cries if he's tierd or hungry, oh will be on the playstation 😒 ds will be crying in his cot in the night for example , I come in from doing dishes whatever give oh a look and he says yeah this rounds almost over I'll check on him in a min. I know it doesn't hurt ds to cry for all of one mine, but he comes before your 'scorestreak' on that silly call of duty game
I apologise for all my typing errors this evening, ranting and auto correct really don't go well together 😂
I wouldn't put up with a quarter of what you have, honestly.
If my instructions weren't being followed, I would simply take him (fast before anyone could stop me!) and say 'Well, he's not with grandad now!' and walk out the door. And call a taxi. That would make the point loud and clear. And again with the coat incident, I would very firmly take him out of the grandparent's arms and say, 'Mummy has decided that he won't be with grandad unless he has a coat on'.
With the chocolate cake incident, I would say very firmly and sternly, 'I said no!' and repeat that immediately when they started to protest.
When the advice was being given, if it was more than I was willing to put up with, I'd say pleasantly, 'You did it your way, now I'm doing it my way. My baby is doing very well, thanks for your concern.'
The only reason this situation happens is because you're not being firm enough. They're doing whatever they want and you're just simmering instead of asserting yourself. If you stand up to them, chances are they won't want a confrontation and will back down.
Unfortunately you clearly can't leave it to your partner because he simply doesn't get it. He goes for the easy life option because he's family but that won't work for you. Unless you draw a line under all this now, it's only going to get worse. You can make your point firmly by showing you're prepared to be friendly and let them have the baby, but are not afraid to have a confrontation if you're challenged.
The situations you would obviously want to avoid are where there is shouting, or where someone else is holding your child and won't give him to you. If you're seriously planning to allow grandparents to have sole charge at times, I would say that this won't be happening if they're not doing as you ask. It doesn't sound like you're being petty; all the examples you gave are genuinely for your child's benefit so I think you're right to make an issue of it.
I strongly disagree with the poster advising you to let it wash over you, given that the examples you describe could leave your child shivering and with a sore tummy I have a six month old DS and hell would freeze over before I'd let someone do that to him.
Thankyou lostinmiddlemarch, I just feel terrible, of course ds comes before any one or anything, I used to have such a good relationship with them now all I find myself doing is resenting them or 'telling them off' I've already told them they won't be having him alone as I trust no one but myself to look after him, and they still continue to do as they please, oh well it's their loss, no alone time with ds for them. Only problem is I'm due back to work in February, let's hope I don't get as desperate as to ask them to mind him for me. That is my biggest fear about returning to work.
I live away from family. You do what you have to do. Nursery, childminder, friend, etc. Your choice.
They do allow time off for illness etc. Remember Mom first employee second.
Can I suggest you start using WE... we arent happy for him to be there/fed/cold etc ... DP will have to pick this up.
Also tell them `We`d feel happier leaving him at yours IF you followed OUR instructions. WE cant trust you at the moment.
I wouldn't use them for childcare - get that sorted asap!
Don't say 'we' unless your partner is on board.
I strongly disagree with the poster advising you to let it wash over you, given that the examples you describe could leave your child shivering and with a sore tummy
I was talking about the nasty digs and unhelpful advice, not the cold or chocolate gateau incident. Although I think neither of those are that big of a deal in terms of causing actual harm to the baby, the bigger issue IMO is the disrespect to the op and disregarding her concerns.
I used to have such a good relationship with them now all I find myself doing is resenting them or 'telling them off'.
That is a shame but they are the ones causing the bad relationship by going against your wishes. That alongside the personal comments about you makes them sound like very unpleasant people really. With work I do think it's important you sort out childcare that doesn't involve them (unless you suddenly become happy with their behaviour or they change which is unlikely!).
Your dp leaving your ds to cry would bother me as well. My dd was the same, only cried when she needed something. I hated leaving her to cry longer than necessary, it felt like it hurt me.
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