has anyone successfully overhauled their parenting?(28 Posts)
There's a lot I hate about my parenting and would like to change but in the past I've tried doing things differently and just slipped back into old habits. Nothing worrying - my 3 DC's are all clean, fed and happy. It's things like I know I shout too much then tell them off for shouting at me, I'm addicted to my phone and find it almost impossible to put it to one side completely (writing this while the kids are in bed). I'm not consistent enough with discipline and I'm seeing it come back to bite me in the arse. There's other things too but you get the gist I hope.
I want to be a better parent but it's become such a big thing in my head I don't know where to start or how to sustain it.
Has anyone managed to overhaul themselves as parents and managed to keep it up?
Not helpful, but I'm a bit shouty and I can't put my phone down either. It annoys me how much I'm glued to it. I do play and take dc out a lot, but my phone seems to appear in my hand before I even realise I've picked it up?!
You have just described me to a T op. I'm interested in advice people have!
Following. I'm the same and really want to change just not sure how
Make 5 rules and pin them to your fridge - I have quite rigid rules that I expect the kids to abide by (eg no screen time until after tea, be polite, always say please / thankyou - usual type of stuff). I have laminated and pinned these to my fridge because its soooo easy to forget such simple things on a day to day basis. The kids often refer to the 'rules' mid-row with each other.
I have 5 similar rules for myself with regards parenting - not laminated and pinned to fridge (or kids would see and laugh) but stuck in my diary so that I regularly see them. It really helps remind me how to behave for my kids - and has led to me shouting less, breathing before having a right rant at them, remembering that what seems daft and silly to me is probably really important / major things for my kids - hence why they sob over some broken lego or screwing up a picture when they've only gone out of the lines a tiny bit.
I think I wrote my 5 rules based on the book 'how to talk so kids will listen' its great, buy it as a new year read, then make 5 rules. I promise you, it does work! Granted I can still have really crap parenting days with my 3 DC , but i just find being reminded regularly does help.
GOod luck & happy new year all mn-ers!!
I think the phone thing is a way to claim even a teeny bit of time to ourselves? I really needed time to myself today as Xmas hols were a bit full on and didn't get it, so was on my tablet more but if I'd had a chance to just have some time to myself I notice I do it less and am more engaged with dc. can you get a bit more childcare- is there some new/old activity you could do, just for yourself? (I know, I know...)
I only go on my kindle during the day when my dd is watching tv, she only gets 30mins, so once it off I turn mine off. I then try to make sure I put it away upstairs otherwise I'd be sneaking back on it.
There's a good blog called Orange rhino about a mum who wanted to stop shouting at her kids. One thing I do is say to myself "would you shout at an adult like that?" It helps to make me stop and think about whether I'm acting with respect.
I used a three point scale:
Small offences, make them apologise.
Medium size, apology and withdrawal of a treat (eg telly for the rest of the day)
Worst things, apology and withdrawal of something they'll miss more, or something smaller for longer.
Decide what you will punish and how, let the rest go.
It makes life so much easier, and helps you to think a bit about it before you react.
DS is only 3 so early days yet. DP and I are fairly close in what we want to achieve parenting-wise but differ in approach sometimes. It's hard agreeing a consistent approach and then sticking to it!
Following as some of this resonates with me. I find myself becoming less patient more often with dd1 (3) and as a result I'm becoming more shouty. I hate it, I'm finding this age really challenging which leads to me getting frustrated.
I do the phone thing too although I've been getting better lately. I agree that it's about trying to squeeze in any 'me time' you can get in amongst the chaos of parenting, running a house and general day to day life.
Liking the idea about writing rules down and keeping them where I'll see them regularly so u might try that.
I used to shout. Then I read Positive Discipline and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. Now I rarely shout and haven't for years because their techniques work. I used to think I was a really rubbish mum (I probably was) and so I just did as Postive Disclipline book told me, just slavishly followed it because my way wasn't working. We have all been so happy and peaceful ever since. Threw the book out years ago. can't even remember much of it because it became ingrained in me to listen o my DC and talk with them not at them, and keep instructions, rules and sanctions to the minimum.
This year we have all agreed to get fit together. DC are tall and skinny but hate sport. I am short and fat but quite like it. So we are getting together to train for a long run later in the year. Climbed Box Hill today which was a start.
Ive heard a lot about the How to Talk book. I think I'll check it out because one of my biggest bug bears is when I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.
In reality I can't be doing too bad a job because when we're out I get compliments on their behaviour but I don't want their memories of me being either glued to my phone or yelling at them.
I think I use my phone as an escape because I don't really want to deal with the kids crap. I do find I'm on it more when they're playing up. I might start leaving it in the bedroom more so the temptation isn't there.
I deleted everything off my phone- even Facebook and mumset! Temptation removed. I leave it on the side in the hallway set to loud so I don't have the excuse of checking it for missed calls or anything. My friend told me she bought 4 clocks for every room in her house to stop her checking the time on her phone!
It helps. As does setting myself the same kind of rules I set for my DC. So for example, after they're in bed I internet for 30 mins and set the timer, same as I do for them!
I definitely feel more productive.
My resolution is to be more present and not rely on the iPad as much. I'm always shattered as we both work full time and don't get home from after school childcare until 6pm. So I shove him on the iPad til bedtime.
Marking place here. Will come back to read when I have time!
I use this site a lot
It's really helped me. I'm still a bit shouty at times and I may go on my phone a little more than I should but I think I'm doing ok generally (fingers crossed!)
I used to like aha parenting until one day I got an email which advised me not to read if I was a single parent. This was because the email went on to say how much better a parent was who was married and co parenting.
How to talk so kids will listen etc, raising Boys/ raising girls/ and toddler taming ( also worked with boss have been very helpful.
Also thinking - now what if I was being filmed? and also trying to pre empt problems - so now I run a kind of benign didtatorship/ democracy and we all know what's expected, the DC are allowed to say their piece and we spend a lot of time talking and helping each other and recognising feelings, emotions and actions.
It absolutely helps that we chat mealtimes, we all know what's going on and what annoys us about each other. I have learnt to listen. I still shout a bit, but I recognise when I'm stressed now and deal with it quickly, before it rages into shouting.
@lavenderhoney 'what if I was being filmed' is a great bit of advice- I used it a LOT in my firstborns first year of life. As a young and inexperienced single mum I didn't really know what I was doing and felt so self conscious. One day my Stepmum said to me 'you always do amazingly when I'm here' and I said it's because I tried my best so she wouldn't think I was rubbish- her reply? Always parent him as if someone is watching.
It did me great!
I wasn't going to make a parenting resolution as I don't really believe in new year's resolutions but today after seeing that my children have made heaps of progress in their swimming over Christmas I have resolved to stop paying other people to do things with my kids that I am perfectly capable at doing - like teaching them to swim.
Wow. Love this thread
and yy OP I completely agree with you
Also think that parenting can be fucking lonely and the phone is company whereas the children can be 'work' and babies certainly don't always give something back.
I'm acutely aware that in a few years I'll give anything to have any kind of conversations like the ones my 7 y/o ds wants to have with me now as I understand he will be become a grunting monosyllabic teen who'll eat me out of house and home but dear god I don't want to talk about sodding mine craft.
Love the imagine someone is watching advice. I might have to try that tomorrow, dp goes back to work tomorrow after time off over Christmas and my God do I struggle when he's not around to help out.
Bloody minecraft i definitely didn't envisage this incessant obsession with something so shite when I was pregnant!
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