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In divorce and DD does not want to come home

(14 Posts)
L0ren Mon 21-Dec-15 14:12:58

Going through a divorce.
DD says to Mum does not want to come home after visiting dad.
Why?

QforCucumber Mon 21-Dec-15 14:13:58

ask her?

L0ren Mon 21-Dec-15 14:19:43

I have asked - she won't say. DD is 3 yo
Asked if sad or angry. Read books - Living with mummy and living with daddy and 2 Homes with her. To encourage communication about feelings. Nothing yet.
When Dad arrives to pick her up. DD races to door and is very excited and happy. Says bye Mum and is off.

usernamesandgingerbreads Mon 21-Dec-15 14:20:06

Many reasons it could be.

Mum is stressed over the whole issue and things are tense at home.
Dad only sees child in weekend and holidays and therefore spoils them in that time with trips out and gifts which Mum cannot do.
There are less rules and boundaries at Dads and therefore they can stay up till late or do more what they want and less or no chores.
Child gets on with Dad better.

usernamesandgingerbreads Mon 21-Dec-15 14:21:31

Sorry x post that she is three. Some of my list still applies.

L0ren Mon 21-Dec-15 14:24:53

Thanks - probably right. Give more gifts and trips out than Dad though.

Fourormore Mon 21-Dec-15 14:27:48

She'll still be adjusting most likely. Both my DC have gone through phases of preferring one parent, the other or neither at various times. Karen Woodall has some stories on her blog, search google for Karen Woodall Dandlebear.

Arfarfanarf Mon 21-Dec-15 14:29:20

Its probably because she sees him less.
If she lived with dad she'd likely say she wanted to live with mum.
She's only 3. She doesnt have the ability to fully understand and articulate her feelings.
Unless you have real reason to believe the father is saying things to her?

Goingtobeawesome Mon 21-Dec-15 14:30:12

To me it is obvious. She is three. She lives in the moment and doesn't want to leave daddy as she knows she won't see him until the next visit - I assume isn't the next day, every day. Whereas she sees mummy probably most days.

L0ren Mon 21-Dec-15 14:31:53

Thank you

VocationalGoat Mon 21-Dec-15 14:35:08

Three is so young and you can't really pass comment on a situation based on a three year old's observation... within reason.

I had this in the early days with DS1. He saw all of my tears, angst, anxiety, troubles, alongside our every day happiness and love inside our home we built together. But of course dad was fun, Disney on two legs! DS1 wasn't exposed to dad's troubles. Dad could compartmentalize his upset in a way I could not because DS1 wasn't with dad very much. So he got the best of dad. Also dad wasn't facing the instability of single parenthood. So in between visits with DS1, dad enjoyed his new life, his new relationship, unhindered by every day parental responsibility. Single parenthood is hard and in divorce, inevitably one parent feels like it's suddenly all on them, this enormous responsibility, this love and concern for a little person once equally shared under one roof by two parents, is a bitter pill to swallow. We don't have children to knowingly end up single parenting them. But this is a far better option than being on a lousy team.

This is very normal for little ones to almost 'choose a side'. And never negate the truth that parents give children 'food for thought'. Dad is not sitting back saying nothing. I am certain he is steering child's wishes to be with him in his favour. Not only is it human behaviour for the non-resident parent to try and win over the DC, it's almost a knee jerk response to the situation... parents become possessive over children, particularly the non-resident parent. But ultimately, as threatening as this approach appears to be, it is not. Don't be shaken.

Kids, over time, grow up and get the bigger picture. DS1's dad was always a w*nker. I didn't tell him this. I never needed to. Time did it for me.
The truth always outs.

usernamesandgingerbreads Mon 21-Dec-15 14:40:39

Agree with vocational massively.

usernamesandgingerbreads Mon 21-Dec-15 14:41:33

Although tbh with a three year old it might just be that Dad has chocolate chip ice cream and Mum doesn't...

FireflyGirl Mon 21-Dec-15 22:28:55

It could be because she (quite rightly) takes you for granted.

Daddy has left her, but if she goes to live with him/he lets her stay, then it will mean he still loves her. It likely hasn't even entered her head that living with him would mean not seeing you as much.

And he will buy in her favourite foods, and let her stay up late, and eat inappropriate things for breakfast.

I'd liken it to the stage many babies go through when they suddenly seem clingy for the parent who goes out to work, and ignore the main caregiver.

flowers for you going through this.

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