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Told DS masturbation isn't normal

(103 Posts)
AtSea1979 Thu 17-Dec-15 17:47:04

It's up there with the worst things you can say isn't it sad
DS is 10, my XH had 'the talk' with him against my wishes as I thought he was still too young. Since then DS has changed, takes ages to get dressed, have a shower etc.
Two weeks ago I caught him playing with himself, I sneaked back out unseen but today I lost my patience and snapped. I burst in to his room and said "for goodness sake DS just get dressed and stop playing with yourself, it's not normal, you are 10 years old, go play with a football not your willy".
I told him I was sorry and tired but haven't broached the subject. Felt awful all day about it but I'm just really not prepared at all for how much it has thrown me and how unsettled I feel when he's taking too long in the bathroom.
Tell me I'm not the only one to find this difficult and how should I handle it better when I need to get out the door.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways Thu 17-Dec-15 17:53:17

I would just say we need to have a chat, whilst it IS totally normal to masturbate, it's not acceptable to do it wheb it totally derails what you are suppose to be doing or when we are pushed for time, such as in the morning when in a rush. Try do it a bit more discretely please.

Then id leave it at that.

Topsy34 Sat 19-Dec-15 16:42:01

I would get a good 'growing up' book and speak with him, let him ask questions and reassure him its normal, but not acceptable at certain times eg getting ready for school.

gamingmum Sun 20-Dec-15 21:08:54

Although you reacted badly it can be fixed however I just don't think a long indepth talk is what's needed. Just an apology for saying what you did and that it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

None of this nonsense about when he can and cannot do it. That's something he will work out. If he can fit in a sneaky quick one chances are he will, be it before school, in the shower or bored doing homework.

You have to remember what it was like as a kid with raging hormones and sometimes you just wanted to explore how things felt and it's totally natural. Ten isn't too young to start feeling these things and he's growing up.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 20-Dec-15 21:23:29

Do you think he has started masturbating since your XH gave him the talk? Do yoI realise how silly that sounds? And I'm shocked that you think 10 is too young! Sounds like you have some issues of your own that you need to address.

memememum Mon 21-Dec-15 19:29:50

After you have apologised and reassured him it is normal, maybe you could make sure there are clocks in his room/ and give him some reminders of what time you leave for school/are going out shopping/etc etc.

ReallyTired Mon 21-Dec-15 21:53:29

I think that your ex has done your son a favour. Ten years old is a reasonable age to learn where babies come from. Infact its possible that your son has had sex education at school. Maybe your ex found your son masturbating and decided it was time to have the talk.

Masturbation is normal, but there is a time and place for it. Rather than telling your son not to masturbate tell him that he needs to be dressed by 8.30. Also I think he is getting to the age when you should knock before entering his bedroom.

Wolpertinger Mon 21-Dec-15 22:06:42

10 really isn't too young to have 'the talk' - it's much healthier to have children who are always aware in an age appropriate manner and so never need 'the talk'.By 10 at least some of the girls in his class will have started their periods.

If he didn't know at 10, he would have been one of the last in his class.

Do you have your own worries and anxieties about sex or that he is growing up?

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:27:39

No I don't have any worries. I withdrew him for his class sex education at the end of the last school year as the contents were inappropriate. Due to this his XH had the talk with him, I argued that he was letting the school still dictate the timing of that talk and recently DS behaviour has changed. Probably a coincidence, like others have said he's just growing up but I am finding it frustrating in the mornings, when we need to be somewhere, I do have a short fuse. He has a clock, he has a timetable with times written down, I have a count down timer showing minutes and seconds yet he still goes off. I know a lot is due to SN type stuff. I think I just felt overwhelmed last week. Now it's the hols I feel a bit more in control and less fraught.

Finola1step Mon 21-Dec-15 22:30:26

What was inappropriate in the school sex ed classes?

LaurieFairyCake Mon 21-Dec-15 22:34:38

Were they inappropriate because of his special needs?

Because it wouldn't be otherwise. It's more likely you're struggling with your son preparing to deal with puberty/sex/growing up.

The sex ed in school is done entirely appropriately but they need to differentiate if your child has extra Sen - make sure they do.

ReallyTired Mon 21-Dec-15 22:41:53

Why is your son precious that he could not have coped with sex education at school? It must have been horrible for him to have been pulled out of class. It sounds lik your ex is more level headed than you and understands that he is no longer a little boy.

You do realise that children with severe disabilities have sex education. It's vital that a child with learning difficulties knows what consentual sex is. Children with special needs are at higher risk of sexual abuse.

PenelopePitstops Mon 21-Dec-15 22:44:15

You sound very uptight about the whole thing. Pulling him out of sex Ed classes isn't a good idea. He will get age appropriate information and a chance to discuss what he's learnt.

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:47:34

No actually it wasn't age appropriate as I already said, hence why I pulled him out.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 21-Dec-15 22:48:49

Why wasn't it appropriate? You haven't said confused

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:49:01

I'm not uptight, as I explained I got myself flustered the other day with being late, yelling etc
All is fine now at least until 4th Jan

SquareStarfish Mon 21-Dec-15 22:50:10

I teach year 5. The letter we send home each year specifically states that while the cold may be withdraw from sex ed we cannot stop children talking afterwards in the playground. Each year one parent withdraws their child and I can promise you they wish afterwards they allowed their child to hear the teacher's version rather than their peer's!

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:50:50

Don't want to out myself by saying. Let's just say the contents caused an issue for the school as it wasn't age appropriate regardless of whether 'it's what they've always done'.

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:52:00

Well I don't regret withdrawing. More the parents that didn't wish they had.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 21-Dec-15 22:52:49


How would you have known beforehand it was going to cause an issue?

LaurieFairyCake Mon 21-Dec-15 22:54:36

So you're saying you suspected the school (not a state school then?) would handle it badly?

You withdrew him. And THEN they handled it badly and other parents wished they'd withdrawn their children?

SquareStarfish Mon 21-Dec-15 22:57:45

What on earth could they have shown them? Most schools go from a very small selection of very well checked and researched programmes made entirely for the purpose.

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:57:49

Because we were invited in to school to see contents, only a handful of parents went, the rest trusted the contents would be age appropriate and didn't attend/was working etc. I wasn't going to go as I trusted the school but got an early dart so went, glad I did as inappropriate. Most of other parents thought so too.
Anyway this wasn't about the schools ancient sex ed programme. It was me getting flustered and needing some hand holding at the time.
Thankyou MNers for being there...again grin

PrimeDirective Mon 21-Dec-15 23:04:40

The school sex education is age appropriate and every other child in the class will have seen it - I would be more concerned about the effect that had on him.

He has probably been masturbating a lot longer than you realise. He didn't just start because your ex told him what his penis is for. He didn't suddenly realise that it feels nice to play with because he gained some understanding what it is for.

If he is taking longer in the bathroom to get ready, he might just be being a bit slow - it doesn't mean he is constantly masturbating. If he needs longer, allow for more time in your morning routine - it will take the pressure off rushing him.

AtSea1979 Mon 21-Dec-15 23:13:06

He's already up at 6am and we need to be out at 8am. That's 2 hours.
Thankyou for assuming as its a state school then it will be appropriate hmm
Anyway this isn't the education thread which is probably why you assume the curriculum is a wonder age appropriate tool so let's just leave that bit well alone as its been done to death before grin

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