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DH & I disagree on what shoud be done re DS1 looking at porn

(10 Posts)
JumpandScore Thu 10-Dec-15 20:53:51

He's 14yo and DH seems to be taking a "what do you expect" kind of view.

I agree it's not surprising he's curious but I also worry about the damage it does to future relationship/expectations if this is where he gets his sex education. I feel "something" needs to be done to ensure he understands how important love/respect etc is to healthy relationships and good sex.

But what /how? And I can't believe it's going to be down to me

It's on his phone. The phone that's not allowed in his bedroom and that he rarely remembers to take with him when he leaves the house, so it seems likely he's been looking at it whilst sat next to me on the sofa!

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 10-Dec-15 20:58:17

I would just address it all with the following points

(1) we understand you are curious and will look around online
(2) there will be things that you see that will shock you or you wont like
(3) real life isnt like that
(4) sometimes the women in these videos are there because they need to be - for money, for drugs, whatever. Watching porn fuels that, so just think about that
(5) please do not look at stuff like that in public areas of the house. If it was a magazine like your dad used to look at when he was a teen he would have ot hidden under his pillow. Respect please.

I am a bit surprised that you dont allow him to ever have his phone in his room. I can understand not overnight but at all??

Wolfiefan Thu 10-Dec-15 20:59:28

Control the wifi?
I understand curiosity but if he's looking at hardcore porn at 14 I would be very concerned.

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 10-Dec-15 20:59:50

And if this is where he is getting his sex ed then imo you have failed in an area of your parenting.

At 14, he should know about sex, contraception, puberty, urges. That should come mainly from his parents.

flanjabelle Thu 10-Dec-15 21:00:40

I think there needs to be a conversation about how it is not real life, it is not a real sexual relationship. I would explain clearly the lack of respect and tenderness that should be present in a sexual relationship.

I would be clear that many real women would very much disagree with being treated in the way women are in porn videos. I would not be judgemental about it, but make sure he knows never to treat a woman in a disrespectful manner just because he saw it in a porn vid.

I would also make it clear that you are there to answer any questions that it might bring up. Explain that porn is meant for entertainment (apparently) not for learning about sex. The actors are just that, actors, and the pleasure is not usually real.

Hassled Thu 10-Dec-15 21:02:32

I went through similar with older DSs - I gave them the spiel about how some women are fine about it, others think that it objectifies women and demeans them, that the women are very unlikely to want to be doing it, that it's not really what sex in a loving relationship is like. I did talk about respecting women, a lot. I did try to be balanced - I said "this is what I think but other people are OK about it", but then I know they do sort of respect my opinions.

JumpandScore Thu 10-Dec-15 21:05:11

Yes, thanks Penny. Of course he "knows" all that but I have sat him down and talked about how sex feels or what good sex is.

In what world is it helpful to tell someone asking for help that they've failed? I'm kind of feeling that already.

Thank you to everyone else. That's what I think should be said and I will do it, but I was kind of hoping this might be one area of parenting his father had covered.

museumum Thu 10-Dec-15 21:08:58

You're both right. Your dh is right in that it's to be expected and you can't stop him really. But you are also right in that he needs education and context. He needs to know about healthy relationships, the porn industry and also Internet security (never ever give card details to a site).

FriendofBill Thu 10-Dec-15 21:10:32

Just block adult content on the wifi?

Your house, your rules.

PrimeDirective Thu 10-Dec-15 21:22:55

Trying to block his access to it won't actually work.
Blocks and filters are fairly rubbish - he'll easily find a way round it.

You can't stop him from looking, all you can do is talk to him about what he sees, the reality behind it, the damage it can cause and the addictive nature of it.

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