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One year check - feeling demoralised

(42 Posts)
Withgraceinmyheart Wed 09-Dec-15 14:48:41

Hi everyone, I'm looking for a bit of reassurance as a ftm, unless im totally wrong in which case obviously let me know!

My dd is one tomorrow and we had her one year check today with the health visitor. She said she was bang on for development and had a lovely mother child bond, which was nice, but strongly criticised some of my (carefully considered) parenting choices:

1. Dd has 2 naps a day. Hv said she 'really should' be on one nap by now. I've tried her on a one nap day and she isn't ready. I understood it was fairly common to be on two naps at this age, am I wrong?

2. I'm still breastfeeding. Apparently I should stop, because dd won't eat enough food. I explained several times that she eats loads. she has 3 breast feeds a day.

3. Dd doesn't sleep through the night yet, wakes once sometimes twice. Again I thought this was fairly common. She offered to refer me to a sleep expert, who would show me how to do control crying. I don't want to do control crying sad

Basically, is it ok for me to ignore this health visitor and carry on as we are?

Sammysquiz Wed 09-Dec-15 14:52:58

Ignore! Neither of mine were down to 1 nap a day until they were around 16 months, and it's none of her business when you stop breastfeeding. We did see a sleep expert who did help us get our DS to sleep through without using CC, but again it's totally up to you what approach you use at night.

Domino777 Wed 09-Dec-15 14:53:33

Totally ignore the HV. All that advice sounds so 1950's.

na5ima Wed 09-Dec-15 14:56:33

Im a ftm and my DS is only 6month.

It I compare this to my mates then she only started to sleep thru the night and she's 2 years old..

If your going back to work then it's good to get in to a routine but if your not and okay with what you're doing then carry on. Just ask others who are in a similar situation and get their advice if you feel like comparing

All the bests smile

Jibberjabberjooo Wed 09-Dec-15 14:57:35

Oh what a load of rubbish. Your DD will change her nap habit when she wants to. My 1 year old has one long nap a day but sometimes he has two short ones, who cares?

He also still wakes overnight, I wish he wouldn't but never mind. Ignore about the breastfeeding, do whatever suits you. All sounds like you were told a load of rubbish, you're DD sounds fine.

UtterlyClueless Wed 09-Dec-15 14:58:03

HV's are generally bell ends.

Every child is different and if your child is developing well and there's no real issues I'd ignore her and carry on sounds like you're doing a fabulous job!

Domino777 Wed 09-Dec-15 14:58:16

1) you know how many sleeps your DD needs each day. You could always try letting her nap once one day just to see if it improves the nighttime sleeping. However you know what your DD needs. Every child is different.

2) the WHO recommend breast feeding till 2 years. As a nation we have very low rates of extended breast feeding and that's a real shame.

HeteronormativeHaybales Wed 09-Dec-15 14:58:33

1. Ignore.

2. Ignore.

3. Ignore.

HTH smile

Can't remember re the naps, but I bf my older two for 4.5 and 3 years respectively, and one/two wakings was a good night at that age. They're 10 and 8 now and completely fine. Only 2 months in with no. 3, but I will be doing, again, what works for us.

ScarletBegonia1234 Wed 09-Dec-15 15:00:08

Ignore ignore ignore!sounds like you are doin brilliantly. I expect to hear exactly the same thing at my 1 year check with the extra bad mark for co sleeping grin I personally would feel annoyed rather than disillusioned your hv is clearly a nob.

adognamedboo Wed 09-Dec-15 15:00:16

Smile and nod and ignore everything she said. If baby is happy that is all that matters.

Cel982 Wed 09-Dec-15 15:00:53

Oh God, ignore ignore ignore! And please consider putting in a complaint to this person's manager. It's terrifying to think that a less clued-in FTM might accept this terrible advice as gospel.

Iwonderwhy123 Wed 09-Dec-15 15:07:05

Ignore the daft cow!
Sounds like she hasn't a clue about the fact babies are individual little people, you know what works best for your baby.
My 17 month old usyalky has 2 naps per day or sometimes one long one, still breastfeeds in morning and evening and wakes couple times at night. Amongst my friends and family with 1-2 year olds that all sounds totally normal!
I'd also consider talking to the HV line manager - sounds like she needs 'training'

moggle Wed 09-Dec-15 15:27:11

Yeah that is all insane and if you are up to it I'd really consider discussing with her manager.
The nap thing is hilarious... she must think you are somehow forcing her against her will to have that second nap?! how does she think you are managing that!!

I've heard about HVs who have expressed concern about babies who aren't walking at 12m. WTAF?!

FWIW my daughter is 13mo and she still breastfeeds once a day (until last week was twice), she still wakes once most nights, she still has two solid naps which are very much needed. I think all these things got mentioned at our check, but the HV who saw us didn't comment on any of it. She did ask if I wanted any advice about the waking at night but I said no it was fine and she moved on to the next thing.

Ughnotagain Wed 09-Dec-15 15:34:53

Wow. Fuck that noise. I know plenty of people still breastfeeding babies and toddlers past a year old so don't worry about that!

The other points too... Pah. Your HV sounds like an idiot.

mupperoon Wed 09-Dec-15 15:50:34

Ha, well just to stick my oar in, my 16mo was still on 2 naps a day until recently, is breastfed twice a day but has a massive appetite, and wakes up at least 3 times before I've managed to get to bed a night. Perhaps I should turn myself in to social services now?

Yep, your HV is an idiot. The HV who did my 1yr review was well-informed, supportive and all round lovely, but it's obvious that even in the same area many HVs state their own opinions as fact, contradict each other wildly and seem ill-informed about eg vaccination schedules. It's so frustrating.

LittleFishBigOcean Wed 09-Dec-15 15:53:28

I was very selective about what I told the health visitor.

Yes, DD sleeps through the night. in my bed.

No, Dd doesn't have a dummy except for bedtime

LottieDoubtie Wed 09-Dec-15 15:59:22

My 15MO still needs 2 naps a day, and 3 days a week he has them at nursery with all the other similarly aged babies at his nursery so I wouldn't worry about that one.

I dont BF, but WHO recommends until 2yo so definitely don't worry about that.

Sometimes DS sleeps through other times he very definitely doesn't. About the same for all the other babies of his age I know... They don't all magically learn it by 12MO, it would be lovely if they did, but beating mothers up over it/forcing people who don't want to do it down the CC route is not the answer so ignore!

Withgraceinmyheart Wed 09-Dec-15 16:02:59

Ah thanks everyone this is exactly what I needed!

Ironically she only had one nap today because of the timing of the apt and she's been an absolute mess poor thing! Defo not ready.

scarlet I thought it best not to mention the cosleeping since we were already getting along so well...

Withgraceinmyheart Wed 09-Dec-15 16:10:12

littlefish bizarrely she was fine about the dummy, which is the thing I was expecting to get told off about.

GreenTomatoJam Wed 09-Dec-15 16:10:32

DS1 was just like that at 1 - he's totally awesome and average. Ignore HV.

DS2 was the same for naps, but not for food (no stopping DS2 once he discovered solids - he weaned entirely himself by 8 months) and sleep (he was sleeping through very early - I didn't know what hit me after non-sleeper DS1)

Kids.. someone forgot to give them their development timetable so they never do anything when you expect.

Mrscog Wed 09-Dec-15 16:10:47

I think 12 months is generally too early for 1 nap. I know friends who have pushed to 1 nap around that time, and then had the toddlers from hell from about 4pm - 6pm because they're just so tired.

Your HV sounds ridiculous, ignore it all.

TheVeryThing Wed 09-Dec-15 16:12:40

I'm a bit further on from the baby stage but all that sounds completely normal to me.
Where do they get these ideas from?
My four year old still wakes for a cuddle during the night, and was co-sleeping at least part-time until quite recently.

Snossidge Wed 09-Dec-15 16:12:47

Ignore. They're all parenting suggestions not health ones.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Wed 09-Dec-15 16:17:50

1. DD1 dropped to one nap at 14 months. She was the first of our NCT group to do so.
2. Ignore. 3 milk feeds a day is completely fine at 1.
3. DD1 started sleeping through thr night at around 20 months. Didn't do any form of sleep training and it was all tears and drama free as she just did it when she was ready. Her nighttime sleep stayed the same when she dropped to one nap.

Rinceoir Wed 09-Dec-15 16:19:52

Mine was down to one nap by 1 year old. But that was child led, I never had any real nap schedule, and she dropped to one nap very young. I'm still breastfeeding my 19 month old. And she started sleeping through the night a month ago, again entirely child led, if she has a bad dream or wakes she has a breastfeed and sleeps with me. None of the health visitors business in fact.

I'm a doctor, and have only once in 10 years advised anyone to stop breastfeeding a child of any age, and that was for essential treatment.

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