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I want to write my daughter a letter. But I'm not sure my motives are correct. help?!

(16 Posts)
berylbainbridge Thu 03-Dec-15 14:47:52

My dd is 10 and it's starting to become apparent that she's suffering from anxiety. She struggles at school socially - a bit on the edge of most of the friendship groups, no 'best friend'. She's quite a quirky little thing, clever but very sensitive. She's got low self esteem and school are trying to help her with this as well. Anyway, I sometimes struggle to be patient with her, I try to be supportive and talk to her about her fears etc - I find it difficult because I'm so worried about her and her future mental health. I've had mental health issues myself in the past and am a bit depressed myself at the moment. I often beat myself up about not being a good enough mum for her or being able to stay patient with her. I blame myself for a lot of her problems.

I would like to write her a letter - something for her to keep - which will be all the things I want to say about how much I love her, Al the wonderful things about her and why she is so special. Something she can have to read when she is struggling but also when I am being grumpy or impatient. (I do tell her I love her in day to day life but I'm not so good at focusing on the positive in general - I'm working on this).

Do you think a letter like this would be a good idea or does it sound like I'm doing it more for myself?

Junoandthepeacock Thu 03-Dec-15 14:56:59

I did something like this for my daughter for Christmas one year. I got a little diary from her as a gift. Every day the next year, I just wrote her a little message telling her how proud I was of her for doing 'abc or whatever' on any given day. That was her Christmas present from me the following year.
A year's worth of the written word of how proud I was of her and how much I loved her each and every day. She adored it.

Maybe get one to start in the new year?

For now, a letter sounds lovely! An admission that you're sorry for being grumpy or impatient is extremely empowering to a little one too. They feel they are on an equal footing with you and can become more confident in speaking up to you, which will extend into her overall life.

You sound like a brilliant mum btw.

Junoandthepeacock Thu 03-Dec-15 14:59:03

Btw - it took 2 minutes each night just to write maybe two lines. On days where nothing significant happened I just wrote 'I love you so much, xxx Mammy'.

lljkk Thu 03-Dec-15 15:00:12

Sounds like it could be emotionally enmeshed, sorry. Though only you know your DD.
I found martial arts was a really good way to boost my girl's confidence.
They learn to handle conflict, as winners or "losers".

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Thu 03-Dec-15 15:05:23

Why not a message turned into a picture? Lots on ebay. DD has one about being unique.

berylbainbridge Thu 03-Dec-15 15:06:48

Juno that's a lovely idea!
lljkk can you explain what emotionally enmeshed means? She does climbing as a hobby which she enjoys. She's not a martial arts kind of girl to be honest! I don't believe in the concept of winners and losers in conflict either tbh!

Djelibeyb Thu 03-Dec-15 15:10:27

I think it's a great idea. I am considering similar myself. I see echoes of me in DD and pray she doesn't suffer like I did. I would have loved and treasured it.

lljkk Thu 03-Dec-15 15:13:52

Sorry I can't articulate it too well. It could be reinforcing the message that she needs you. As opposed to giving her the msg (from lots of directions) that she is fantastic and can conquer the world.

Like I said, you know the child & what she needs.

Junoandthepeacock Thu 03-Dec-15 15:17:29

A child does need their parent! More than just cooking and cleaning.

I feel the more you empower them and make them feel secure in your love, the more likely they are to feel empowered to fly the nest and soar!

berylbainbridge Thu 03-Dec-15 15:17:51

I think that's what I intend the letter to say lljkk - that she is fantastic and can be strong and has many wonderful qualities. I know it won't be an answer to all her issues but just something concrete she can look at sometimes. We're also doing things in day to day life to help her (climbing being one of them).

mouldycheesefan Thu 03-Dec-15 15:19:43

Drama is brilliant for confidence and self esteem.
I think the letter sounds lovely and reassuring but perhaps isn't the answer you are looking for.

berylbainbridge Thu 03-Dec-15 15:21:33

I wish I could persuade her into drama, mouldy. But she has a real fear of being the centre of attention in any way.

lljkk Thu 03-Dec-15 15:31:58

yeah, I was the same, hate being CoA even now. My dad thought it was the most amazing thing ever that I actually had a wedding in a big dress and all. Drama was a waste of time although at least drama types actively celebrate being different. Didn't help that I & everyone else could tell I was extremely bad at drama.

My mom also sent me to (minority team sport no one was good at) which did help with my confidence.

TheSecondOfHerName Thu 03-Dec-15 15:41:57

I bought a joint journal to share with DD called 'Just Between Us'. We take turns filling in pages and then leave it for the other to read. Some pages have things to do, others are blank for letters or drawings.

We did it regularly for the first thirty pages or so, but haven't done it for a while. This thread has inspired me to re-start it.

berylbainbridge Thu 03-Dec-15 16:55:54

The joint journal sounds good. I think my dd would love that .

TheSecondOfHerName Thu 03-Dec-15 17:50:52

It's this one

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